What do NTs find polite that you think is not?
justanotherpersonsomewhere23124
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 26 Sep 2023
Gender: Female
Posts: 60
I think it's terribly rude to lie, which is something that NTs, and maybe autistics too, do all the time for the sake of politeness. Not that I would want someone to go out of their way to say something unpleasant to me, but I would rather someone be blunt than leave me guessing or leave me in the dark about what they think, how they feel, or what they want.
There's a theory that people deserve the truth because that is how they create their understanding of the world, therefore you should offer the truth. I agree with that, at least most of the time.
I don't know that I've specifically confronted someone about this, so I don't know what their reaction would be if I told them that this is how I feel.
There's a theory that people deserve the truth because that is how they create their understanding of the world, therefore you should offer the truth. I agree with that, at least most of the time.
I don't know that I've specifically confronted someone about this, so I don't know what their reaction would be if I told them that this is how I feel.
Ya, lies, especially white ones. Like, I get it that sometimes lying might be necessary, like maybe making up a story about the sick, old pet retiring to a farm instead of telling a child the truth about it getting killed, but in the case of most white lies, there are no excuses.
Not saying I don't ever lie; I do, but in my defense, it's about survival. It'd be way harder to get by in this NT society without playing by their rules at least somewhat... then again, some NTs might think this about their own lies, too, so maybe I'm just a hypocrite?
Keep saying hello, say hello in different ways, take different opportunities to say hello.
If they just say hello or hi, then I'll repeat it. It's very simple.
But questions like "Have you eaten?" And "How was the exam?" That seemed to require some accurate answers made me angry. They didn't want to know the answers at all, and I had to stop what I was doing and answer the questions carefully.I don't know how NT can give a quick answer, does this ability share the same brain area as lying?
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I think that NTs simply learn a few basic one to two or three word answers to questions like that that they can use without much thinking and without actually caring if they end up giving an accurate answer (like, they could say the exam was hard even though it was easy 'cause they don't want to appear too prideful, or say it was easy 'cause they don't wanna appear too stupid), while someone on the spectrum might need to go through the thinking process of "how was it indeed? in how much detail do I want to go to? how much detail does this person want to hear? does this person really want to hear in the first place?" NTs might be able to see the full picture quickly, while autistic brain breaks the questions in to pieces, trying to give as accurate information as possible. "Have you eaten?" is the same: instead of just yes or no, it's: "Under what time frame? does a small snack count or are they talking about a full meal? is it an indirect way to ask me to eat with them?" In short, autistic people are more likely to overthink simple questions than NTs.
...Or something? Not a pro or an expert talking here, just an autistic person with some life experience.
ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,491
Location: Long Island, New York
Eye contact
Engaging in conversations about topics I am not interested in.
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Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
It is Autism Acceptance Month
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
Fraser_S
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 15 Jul 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 51
Location: Scotland
Yep, it's to get the good vibes going.
Little do they know we find it rude and it ruins our vibe when they ask a question and don't really want to hear the answer, because we actually spend brain energy thinking carefully through our answer, so to us it's precious brainpower thrown out in the air.
Anyways. I will never get used to cheek kissing as a hello and goodbye. It's still weird, even after doing it thousands of times, but if you don't do it, NTs from countries where this is common practice will think you're super rude and don't like them.
Yep, it's to get the good vibes going.
Little do they know we find it rude and it ruins our vibe when they ask a question and don't really want to hear the answer, because we actually spend brain energy thinking carefully through our answer, so to us it's precious brainpower thrown out in the air.
My problem is that I emotionally process it as a question and find it actually painful to say "Fine!" when that's not the case.
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English is not my first language.
ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,491
Location: Long Island, New York
Yep, it's to get the good vibes going.
Little do they know we find it rude and it ruins our vibe when they ask a question and don't really want to hear the answer, because we actually spend brain energy thinking carefully through our answer, so to us it's precious brainpower thrown out in the air.
My problem is that I emotionally process it as a question and find it actually painful to say "Fine!" when that's not the case.
At this point in my life, it is instinctive, even though I know better.
_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
It is Autism Acceptance Month
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
Eye contact is "respectful".
Also a lot of NTs will try *hinting* at others to do things or to signal their emotions politely. For example, if they want someone to leave a room, they might say "I'm about to get ready to leave", when they really mean "I'd like it if you left the room, I need to get ready to run an errand."
I'm very thankful my dad says "Get out" when he needs alone time. He's nice when he says it, though.
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