Ceremony

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What kind of ceremonies did you get invited to and did not attend?

Why didn't you go?

I did not attend:

Junior high school graduation
Bachelor's graduation
Associate degree graduation
Sisters wedding
Dad's funeral
Grandmas funeral

I didn't go to any exam-passing ceremonies because they didn't do them for the exams I passed in the UK in those days. I attended a ceremony for my girlfriend's passing of a similar exam - a part-time degree in lab tech - because that was a bit later on and they'd started doing them by then. But I only went because it was politically correct, and felt it to be a waste of time.

I don't usually miss funerals, but a lot of that is because of political correctness, though there's something in the idea of the deceased loved ones getting together to show they give damn about the departed one. Of course it proves nothing, but I tend to go to funerals if it's not too difficult.

I've been to a couple of weddings, and I don't think I've ever turned down an invitation to one. Just that I've not been invited to many. I think my family feels that I'm not much of a wedding person.

Generally speaking, though, I don't think much of ceremonies.

• Baptisms, funerals, and weddings
• Children's birthdays
• Children's plays and concerts
• Graduations/Commencements
• Multi-Level Marketing seminars
• School reunions

While you have to take your own well being and ability to cope into account, ceremonies are something that we attend for the sake of other people, whether we like them or not. Unless you really can't, we have a responsibility to be there for funerals and weddings, and even our own graduations if we have family members to whom it means a lot.

When my boyfriend died in 2015, over 100 people came to his memorial service, and it was a great comfort to me.

I don't do funerals. Too much hypocrisy, and too much emotion. I'd rather mourn on my own, if I do. For everything else, I don't usually attend large gatherings, but if they are small, and I can tolerate them.

I've never seen the point in ceremonies. If you're getting married, why spend money on a wedding when what really matters is spending your lives together? If someone dies, I prefer to be sad by myself. Etc.
I only went to my high school graduation because my grandparents would have never forgiven me if they didn't get to watch me walk ten meters while wearing a silly costume.

High School reunions
College graduation

advice to self don't go to funerals if you're not family
-- that always turns out weird
even for family it's minimal, distance and animals are reasonably good excuses
-- for my mums cremation, we had to take a hotel, really, the place was quite full, even people who had stayed with us, there's always something, or games, with funerals

what do you do at a catholic funeral when (suddenly) everyone walks to the coffin and make a cross sign? you're almost forced to go in line, but what do you do as not catho? no ritual speaks to me, i can see or understand it work generally and for others, to me its weird

i remember once we visited a hare krishna castle, people are supposed to venerate dolls, that was the craziest, (and the personal drama within, another 180° from quiet and peacefull)(and the eastern syst with "masters" doesn't work for me and (imo)proposes a direct portal to abusive relations)

It may seem odd to some, but I don't think I've ever been to a funeral that's had much theatrical nonsense going on. They've all been fairly genuine meetings in which the people there just seemed to be appropriately sad about the death of somebody they cared about, though they were never ostentatious about it.

But I did wonder whether I was in the right place when at my grandfather's funeral. The vicar hadn't known him at all, and just before the funeral began, without even getting off his butt, he asked the relatives a question or two just so he could stick a couple of key words into his speech to make it look good. That angered me. I feel quite strongly that if anybody's going to say a few words about the departed one, they should have known them well enough to do that without any help from those who did know them. Grandad was secular, so were his family, and I don't see why the Church of England should have had anything to do with it. I guess it was just deference to tradition in the older members of the family.

As for these graduation things, I must have been born in the right place at the right time. Generally speaking we just passed exams and moved on, and there were no ceremonies offered for any relatives to get steamed up about. My parents did buy me a watch with "congratulations" engraved on the back for passing my A-levels though. Luckily it wasn't an uncomfortable watch, and I quite liked it, so I wore it, as it did no harm and probably did a bit of good. But I do remember thinking that it was a bit over-the-top of them to make even that amount of fuss. My grades were the lowest possible that were consistent with actually passing, so I was hardly proud of them.

As for weddings, I went to my own but for the first one my wife and I quietly disappeared pretty quickly after the meal was over. I did put some effort into the wedding itself, but that was strongly individualistic - I got a tailor to make me a Victorian jacket, and I didn't wear a tie, though if I'd been brave enough I'd have had a wing collar with a Victorian necktie thing.

I've been married 3 more times since then, two at registry offices and one with a garage mechanic who was also a minister of religion who turned up in ordinary clothes at our house to do the honours. I didn't plan the details of any of those weddings, they just happened that way. I suppose I should have preferred the garage mechanic wedding, but even I felt that one was a bit too unceremonial, though I also felt that invoking the deity was inappropriate to my secular nature.

For the first of those registry office weddings my bride's overbearing father insisted that we went for a meal afterwards, and he practically forced us all to eat beefsteak, which wasn't my thing at all and it was so tough that I could barely chew it, my teeth being used to vegetables. I wasn't so strictly vegetarian in those days as I am now, and if it had happened more recently then I'd have had to flatly refuse.

I've felt for a long time now that ceremonies and rituals are OK as long as they do no harm, but that it's appropriate to opt out if they are harmful. I also feel that when people get married, it should be for them and not for any relatives to call the shots. I often wonder whether it's better to just live together, but if there must be a wedding then too much pandering to tradition and to the prejudice of relatives can put a blot on the entire thing. It's hard enough for a man to pander to his bride's feelings if she has views about the proceedings that differ much from his own, without other people interfering. I'm not saying that compromises are out of the question, but it's a matter of degree.

On the question of funerals, this is something that I am wondering what to do about. I have an uncle who is not in good health to say the least, while I see nothing immanent the day is going to come where he passes possibly in the semi near future.

Without prattling on too much, he's married to my mom's sister (My Aunt) and TBH I don't care for him. Him along with my one Cousin are the reason I hated going to gatherings at their house. They would just ignore me and pretend I wasn't there. I've gone along to get along so as not to upset my parents and to an extent them for all my life.

Years ago, I decided no more weddings or funerals for me, unless it would be a very special circumstance, which I don't really see happening. Too much stress, too emotional, drama, and fakeness.

If I don't go, I fear I will start WW3 but the idea of going just gives me a terrible panic attack. If I'm selfish for feeling this way then I guess I am as*hole. I dunno.

I got forced to attend 2 funerals, for an EX of mines grandparents, that was the day from hell to say the least both times.

Weddings- Was in a now former friends' weddings, got forced to go to 2 of my cousins. Very long days and not something I care to do again. Too many people, too loud, etc.... . No Weddings for me.

I did not attend an out-of-town wedding once, as it was 8 hours away by car. Plus it's a cousin I don't like.

Few birthday parties and funerals because I'd rather do something else.
Oh, and because half the time because either my mom or sister would just bring home some food from said parties. Else, might as well just expose me to unnecessary stress and more noise.
Everyone should know better that I don't do ritualistic stuff. Entertainment; sure, but there has to be a prize, else chances I attend will drop.

I don't attend baptisms.
Not even ones that are claimed that I'm a godparent of. Never signed up for that.
It's meaningless to me as much as it's superficially meaningful to others.

I don't do weddings.
One time I was forced to and decided to fool around in it. Serves as a warning the next time someone tries to make me attend against my will.
Unless you're my sister or one of my parents remarrying, I don't.

I never do school reunions.
I just don't. Utterly pointless. Disinterested.
Unless it's from elementary days, couldn't remember any of them.



If not and anything else, it's because it's impossible for me to attend. Usually are too far away or the event itself takes days worth of time.

Like almost all of my maternal side of my family overall; because it's in another island -- an hour long flight or a day in a ship, one way.

And a few on my paternal's side of my family -- some are abroad, some are several hours drive...



Really, one shouldn't force me to go to any ceremonies. Because I will fool around in it -- sleep, eat disproportionately, wander around, be in places I shouldn't... That's how I make do with it.

I moodily fooled around in every ceremonies that had no choice but to attend -- all school levels, both proms, ones during involving my own job (whether it's documenting a graduation, assisting in a seminar or a part of a party staff even under my boss' watch), and even in my local office oath taking that with all local government present.

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I never miss any of such event as long as it's within driving distance. Most of them are pretty dull I admit and I hate wearing heels, but I feel it's my duty to be there at important occasions. If you have anxiety get some beta-blocker. You'll feel much more relaxed at social event and blend in better.

Be glad you're not the one who had to organize such events. I had to organize two funerals (my dad's and grandma's) in the last few years. And I caught Covid from the last wedding we went to. Still people put in so much effort planning these so I feel I should show up.