Do people change over time I wonder

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I'm a bit stuck atm because I've recently discovered who my dad is and that's like the best news ever for me because...well because a few years ago before dna and all that it would have been impossible to do as I had nothing, not even a name to go on.

Anyway since I've been on this journey I've heard lots of stories and none of them particularly good about how my dad kicked my mother out when she told him she was pregnant. Bare in mind I only have one half of this story and it's not even from my mothers mouth, it's from her cousin who she hardly even knows anyway to be fair.

So anyway. I've found him but because of what I've been told I'm sort of wary of letting him know who I am. I'm responding to a few of his FB posts and to be fair he is responding back to me. He has quite a relaxed tone about him and I thought that meant something (like does he know it's me type of thing) but then I looked at myself and thought well I might have a similar style of communication so that doesn't really mean anything.

So my question is is: in your opinion and experience do/can people change over time?

Could a person who quite adamantly did not want kids 50 years ago have mellowed.

I mean I know I'm not a child anymore but I'm still his child. I've came from him.

Does this mean something or do you think it might still mean nothing

I just don't know my next steps on this situation

I'm sort of on my own with it as well because the person who I originally thought it was turned out to be something of a red herring so that branch of the story isn't really involved with this branch and I don't talk about it at home because I don't wanna bore people to death with my endless daddy issue.

Thank you all in advance and triple points to the person who comes up with the best answer.

My experience is that they don't change over time if they're on the extreme end of the spectrum. Extreme cruelty or extreme passives doesn't seem to change over time and appears at a young age. The bullies in my school are still bullies now.

There seems to be a generous amount of leeway if someone sits in the middle and obviously like you mentioned in your post, one side of the story from a third hand source isn't the most reliable.

Yeah my mother won't talk to me so she's feeding information to me via her cousin who by that time has formed her own opinions on the matter and who enjoys making my mother out to be some kind of paragon of virtue.

I think, ultimately, if you can't trust your mother's side of the family to give you an informed and balanced account of what happened, then you're not going to know unless you bite the bullet and tell him who you are.

I think people can change a bit. I didn't want kids either but 'having kids' in the abstract is a very different thing from having a real person standing in front of you that you have a blood relation to. I'm not excusing his disappearing on you or anything. But it was a long time ago. He may have regrets. He may not.

All i'd say is take whatever steps you can to protect yourself from whatever power he has to hurt you. If he rejects you again, how is that going to feel? If you find out he had another family that he didn't reject, what would that mean to you? How much would it mean to you if it turned out he's pleased to reconnect with you? Would that desire leave you vulnerable to exploitation if he's not what he initially seems? Are your eyes open? Do you have the support around you that you might need if this goes south?

I hope it's a good thing for you both, if it happens.

I'm hoping I've got my eyes open. I am trying to explore every eventually in my head with this

You're right though because at some point I am going to have to make the big announcement to him and possibly face rejection. The question there is: am I gonna be able to manage the rejection and I can't answer that. I've gone through so much in my life that I'm pretty confident that I could pull myself through it but do I want to have to go through that in the first place.

Part of me wants to leave it as it is. It's perfect. The occasional wink or smile on the face book and he still keeps his rock star status in my fantasy world

And then the other side of me says just do it. Tell him and see what the fall out of that will be. Talk it out with your shrink if it all ends in devastation

And then I just think f**k em all.

This is a hard puzzle for me

I think people can change.

People mature, often, over time.

Whereas once a biological father might have been scared of the commitment of raising a child - later in life he might have regrets about his earlier decisions, or might think it is worth knowing their son or daughter when they have gotten older and all of the formative years have passed, which would eliminate some of the challenges of parenthood for those who weren't interested in it to begin with.

Such a parent might have felt that they were not able to cope at some early stage of their life with the responsibility of having children.

You have more faith in humanity than me blitzkrieg

I'm trying to think about how I am to try and imagine how he is.

And also if I am to announce myself what do I say.

Surprise! I'm your daughter

I have to think of exactly the right words. I feel like I'm only ever gonna get one chance at this if I do it

Good luck to you with it all, BB.

Yeah thank you

I think I've changed over the years so maybe he has

He's going to feel the way he feels about it regardless of what words you use.

If he doesn't respond in the way you hope are you going to give yourself a hard time for not getting it right?

You're making his reaction your responsibility, and that's not good.

Yeah you're right.

Well the other day when I first found him I did actually message him and I asked him did he know such and such a person back in 1972 and I left it up for well over 24 hours but he didn't seem to open the message. This was on messenger. Anyway I deleted it in the end and chose the other route of just responding to his posts.

I'm wondering if there's any way he could have read my message without it showing up as read.

I'm thinking maybe he's playing the same game as me

But I don't know

I'll go and see my therapist this week so I'll thrash it out with him and I'll see if I can come to some kind of conclusion after that

I don't think I can let it drag out. It's not in my nature

Thank you everyone who took part. You help me more than you will know and you all get triple points

!	Cornflake wrote:
	Locked by request of the OP.