My Flashbacks are getting worse

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I'd say in the last year-year and a half, I've been having some intense flashbacks daily. Over stupid BS I did and said when I was young up until my late 20s. I'm 44 now. I am on Lamictal, a mood stabilizer to control meltdowns and my bad temper when things go wrong, I'm on Lorazepam (generic Ativan), for anxiety.

So, this is happening multiple times a day. Since my 30s I have been doing my best to work on my anger problems and overcoming the past. While I am not officially diagnosed with ASD, all the signs are there and everything I've read about autism fits me to a T.

This flashback thing went on once in a while starting in my late 20s, Now it happens a lot. My memory is very good and when a flashback happens it can be intense. Times where I was laughed at, yelled at, made fun of, mocked, and other stuff. Some of it I did bring upon myself but not all of it. Still, I cringe at all of it.

I think " oh why did I do that?" " What if someone finds out and uses it against me?" . Some people have been gone out of my life for a while so I am not too worried about them, but it's the people who I know dislike me and would bring up BS from years ago just to spite me(mostly at work).

Yes this stuff happened, not proud of a lot of it but I cannot change the past. However, I need to somehow overcome some of this but have no idea how. I probably need to seek out a therapist but don't want to go into deep medical debt to do so.

Sorry for the " I" statements but wasn't sure how else to explain all of this. Ok I'll end it here.

I can relate to a lot of that because it’s something that I’ve struggled with at different points in my life although it’s better lately because my anxiety is better. For me, some of it is related to nonsense from my religious upbringing and also from anxiety due to trauma/abuse/being told that I was bad in some way, useless, or worthless. Autistics might be more likely to ruminate too.

How well is your anxiety managed with what you’re currently on? I know Ativan is good to take as needed, but lower levels of anxiety can cause issues too.

Therapy does sound like it might be beneficial for you. I’m wondering if there are any lower cost options you could try. Some people go once every two weeks or so instead of every week if cost is an issue. Some therapists have pay scales for those without insurance as well. It might be something to look into if you haven’t already.

Apart from meds or therapy, here’s what helps me:
If I’m obsessing about a relatively minor embarrassing memory that I can’t work through and let go of for whatever reason, I often try to distract myself with something else, when possible, like listening to music on my headphones while going for a walk. Sometimes I realize that my anxiety was spiking for unrelated reasons which can be useful to know. If it’s more of a traumatic memory, I typically try to work through it in some way because then it bothers me less in the future. If I’m blaming myself for something that wasn’t really my fault, working on it can be extremely beneficial. Journaling, therapy, and talking to people on WP are some things that have helped me.

Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. It doesn’t mean that we should be mistreated because of it.