US threatens Iran over Pluto debacle
'Come clean about IAU vote', Dumsfeld warns Ahmadinejad
by Werner von Braun
The US has angrily threatened Iran with a range of punitive measures ranging from a ban of Persian competitors from the forthcoming Mongolian Throat Singing World Cup, held this year in Dallas after Nike agreed to sponsor the event, to precision bombing of its powdered milk factories — traditionally sited next to uranium enrichment plants in a cunning attempt to throw US satellite interpretation operatives.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: ConcreteThe cause of America's ire is its suspicion that the Iranians were directly involved in the International Astronomical Union's (IAU) decision earlier this month to demote Pluto from planetary status, redesignating it a "minor planet" orbiting the sun with other space detritus including recently-spotted asteroid WTF36-24-36 — dubbed "Vulnavia" for its uncanny resemblance to Doctor Phibe's well-formed sidekick.
Pluto was the only planet discovered by and American — Clyde Tombaugh — and Ronald Dumsfeld is believed to be in possession of an intelligence dossier indicating that the IAU had been infiltrated by Iranian Super Galactic Republican Guard specialists determined to make the US an international laughing stock by kicking its only body of note out of the solar system.
"I'm warning Iran to come clean about IAU vote," Dumsfeld warned Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad — dubbed "Moud the Hod" by close friends for his habit of dressing like a Tehran brickie's labourer.
Ahmadinejad's reaction was predictable enough. Barely pausing from his travails at the cement mixer, and fag hanging from his sneering lips, he immediately launched into a heated explanation that, according to the IAU's Resolution 5A, Pluto had lost its planetary status principally because it had "not not cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit". He then threw down his shovel and insisted that Iran would adopt an eight-planet system whether the Great Satan liked it or not.
The IAU, meanwhile, attempted to pour oil on troubled water by assuring the US that the vote had been "strictly democratic and scientific". A spokesman told The Rockall Times: "In fact, the Iranian participants spent most of their time in the hotel bar trying to buy red mercury from the Russian contingent. The only time they put in an appearance in the Pluto debate was to deride the infidels' decision to name it after a cartoon dog. Apart from that, and a small scuffle with the representative of the Kyrgykstan Astronomical Union over whether Islamic scholars were the best authority to rule on the existence or otherwise of dark matter, they were as good as gold."
In the US, however, there has been a groundswell of popular support for punitive action. "I'm with Donnie on this one," said one 20-stone woman nervously oiling her semi-automatic rifle outside her fortified Montana cabin. "It's like that Commie domino effect. Once the eye-ranians get their hands on a bit of US space territory, it'll be ragheads swarming all over the solar system. It's all very well for the Limeys and the cheese-eating surrender monkeys to say we're overreacting, but when the Ayatollahs have got their dirty hands on Neptune, let's see who's right."
We rang the office of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad this morning for further comment, but a helpful secretary mumbled through her burqa: "Sorry, he's out burying some adultress in concrete. Can you ring back at lunchtime?"
Previously
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