Is this the way Aspie Men think in terms of relationships?

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I'm deeply devoted to a guy that has Aspergers. I want nothing to do with other men, but he and I are just really good friends. I've been told that Asperger's males love in a total different way than nt men do. I've been told that it's a deeper love and not about telling a woman what to do or controlling her. I've also heard that relationships with them are one of the deepest you could ever be in that it would never be like a typical relationship only better. Is this stuff the way you really feel about things?

Having never been in one myself, I wouldn't know. But you'll find a lot of different views here about what relationships "should" be about. That is to say, it means different things to different Aspies.

That sounds like my style.

I would say that is the case more often than not. I have a girlfriend but it is really more of a benefriends type of relationship. Neither one of us wants to live together or get married but we trust each other more than any one else. I am 40 and she is 51 so we've been around the block a few times so we know what works for the both of us.

Speaking only for myself, and from only my own perspective, I've noticed these characteristics:

- I can be very affectionate (caresses, cuddles, hugs, kisses, et cetera), but not romantic (what's that all about, anyway?).

- I understand the literal sense of whatever she says, without catching on to what she really means.

- I respond to the questions that she asks with the appropriate answers, without regard as to what she really wants to know.

- I miss most of the subtle little hints she uses to communicate her needs, wants, and desires (she has had to resort to blatant come-ons, at times).

- Her moods, and the causes thereof, tend to be a complete mystery to me.

- When I am being truthful and matter-of-fact, she tends to get upset and ask why I'm being so cold and formal.

There are probably many more behaviorisms that I haven't yet defined in words, but you get the idea -- I am the stereotypical sitcom male who is virtually "blind, deaf, and mute" when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Wow, you could be me. That's how I feel. Devoted, complete adoration and a craving to spend time with this guy. It's just hard to tell what he's feeling, I can only go on what he does and says. He definitely doesn't want to control me or tell me what to do. This does feel deep to me but it might only be on my end. I don't have to be told that I'm loved but it would be nice to hear it just once. At times when he's off doing other things, I get upset over the fact that he doesn't seem think of me or miss me or make time to be here. Our time is mostly spent over the computer. He says he thinks about what he is doing when he's doing it.

I'll be watching the answers you get. Maybe it will help me too.

This is true of me, so it may be true of other aspies too.

Boy ...

You just described me perfectly (and the reason I am still single at 40!)

Jeffrey

I am working on getting better with understanding her moods and subtlety, but the above is my experience as well.

Hmm, I had never heard of this particular aspie lore, but I can at least confirm that it's true for myself.

I've still been very unlucky in the dating field, but I suppose that has to do more with my "only flirting with people who I get a special vibe from, instead of the first scantily dressed girl" policy.

You'll certainly never find a more loyal guy than an aspie (if he's like me, at least).
Girls that I like give me a sense of normality and peace with the world, without being serene or formal or lonely. To do anything that would break this feeling... would be unthinkable.

On a personal note, this has gotten me in trouble with the last girl I felt a connection with, because she wasn't interested in me, and I didn't want to admit that to myself because the ideal of her was too beautiful to let go of.

--
I hope some of this was useful to you. I'm a r/Romantic Aspie (capitalization changes meaning), and I have presented a bit of my mind. /bow out/

First... Fnord, you been digging in my head again? *chuckle* That is strikingly familiar... eep.

Have you broached things beyond friendship? Just curious; you don't specify in your post. Unsure how one could compare the difference in love styles... I tend to love implicitly, not always overtly; to have expectations, not demands; to hear words, not implications. From what my partners have said, I'm not an easy person to love... but it is worthwhile, though apparently only in the short-term. *boggles* Don't do well with mindless chatter, so it is important to have someone who is both an able conversationalist and one comfortable with silence in my case. As Fnord indicated about himself, I can be extremely dense at picking up signals and hints, although my partner is the one person that I generally DO want to be affectionate with. Maddeningly inconsistent is another bit of feedback... it is my thought that is due to the fact that in some areas I can be mature wherein others I'm goofy/peculiar. Such is life, no?


M.

For aspies, a lot of us guard our minds and souls quite jealously.

To us, true love is when we lower the barrier's and fully welcome someone in.

But it also means that if we are hurt, it can cripple us.

Regards
GM

I love all the replies. Yes, he knows how I feel about him. I've always been really honest about my feelings. Unfortunately years ago he had some very painful experiences and is afraid of getting hurt again. We went to school together years ago (we are both in our early forties), but had lost contact and only begin talking through the computer in June of 07. We have been in contact a lot during the summer and are now trying to work with our schedules to work in some time to be together during the week. (He has several routines he follows and we are making allowances for them and trying to find a schedule that works for both of us.) I work with special needs teenagers and several of them have autism. Even knowing all I know about the spectrum sometimes I still have trouble sometimes with interpreting his feelings correctly. We had a slight misunderstanding this week and it actually took him a day or so to realize my feelings were hurt. We were in class together during this time and when he realized my feelings were hurt he was visibly upset. Part of our misunderstandings arise because I often fail to see my importance to him. He rarely says how he feels because he has a problem with defining how he feels about anything that deals with emotions. That leaves me to almost always assume the worst case that perhaps he doesn't care at all. When I saw how upset he was over the misunderstanding I finally realized this week that if he didn't care he certainly would never have been that upset over how I was feeling. He's a good guy and we are very good friends. I wish it was more, but at this time he needs the friendship and well, I just want him in my life!! !

It is good to be honest and direct; as you indicate in your account of the two of you interacting, the need for direct communication is absolutely critical. For example, when you're hurt... you'll have to tell him, or help him learn what to look for that would mean you were hurt. Expect to have to both teach and learn things others take for granted. This applies to expressing things as well; it may well be that the two of you will work out different ways to express things. It can be anything - do let expectation limit you in thinking outside the box here. That you have a history together will be to your benefit, I think... comfortable in it's way, which is a good thing. Past hurts are difficult; for me, they are almost omnipresent. It takes someone special to understand that my reactions are sometimes to things that happened, not that are happening.


M.

No ... you left the webcam running again!

I'd have to say yes...

and as everyone else has said that is how is it for me also.

I think it stems from our black/white world vs. shades of grey. Once we make that decision to let you in... it is all or nothing. There may be NTs that do that but I find it hard to comprehend that they can do it to the same degee.

On the flip side... once we do this if things change... our souls are crushed for a long time. And as many of us have been run roughshod our entire life, it becomes harder and harder to open up.