How Do AS Women Deal With Dating???

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Can you do it? Does it make you uncomfortable, or is it ok for you? Do you flirt? I´m just really curious about this....

Fortunately, I don't have to deal with it. Dealing with guys who want to date you is always a matter of wondering whether you will hurt somebody, though. A casual acquaintance can be told, "I'm not available", but anybody you are going to see again has to get the whole spiel about asexuality, which generally gets annoying and usually involves mentions of amoebas.

I do really badly; I bore the cr*p out of them .

I would NEVER have been ABLE to be a 'dater'......



I either love someone or I don't. And I really was a 'lover' type, but NEVER EVER in a million years a 'dater' type. I don't know the meaning of flirt as a behavior. I just AM. I know how to be nice, but I think flirting is weird behavior. If I flirt I DON'T KNOW IT, because I'm not 'aware' of it. I always avoided eye contact with most males I came into contact with.....why?.....because my appearance somehow obviously made me attract males when I didn't want to attract males for purposes of sex. If you barely speak, and make little eye contact you pretty much get left alone in your bubble of comfort. I did that, I created my bubble subconsciously stating that IM NOT INTERESTED IN FLIRTING. Flirting means potential sex, doesn't it!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !????????????? I either love someone or I don't. My experience when I was younger proved that a lot!! !! !! of MEN USE WOMEN. That's all. They use you......try you out like a machine, or a car on the lot.




I was never, ever, EVER interested in dating.....and I NEVER would be interested in dating this guy and that guy on a 'trial basis', which is what a date is.....a dating is kind of weird......it is sizing people up based on FAKE BEHAVIOR. ahahahahaha

I am married, but if I was not married, I WOULD NOT be interested in getting married again, EVER.

I have trouble dating because I am to terrified to make the first move and not not socially adept enough to constantly be surrounded by new people (I suppose my tendency toward taking Woman studies classes doesn't help in meeting men either). Both of the relationships I had were before my diagnosis and were not healthy (both guys turned out to be suicidal and one was on innumerable drugs to battle his violent tendancies) Luckily I was never physically injured but neither were emotionally healthy with one being a borderline stalker.

This doesn't exactly leave me with great feelings about the guys I seem to attract.

I'd like to date but experiences have certainly made me to nervous to instigate anything.

I don't date. I don't know how to flirt, much less act interesting for a prolonged encounter with an overtly romantic agenda.

I dont date or not interested in having a relationship either. I see it as ''too much commitment'' and I'm not good spending too much time with one person
I do flirt, would'nt want it to lead into a relationship though.

For me at this point in my life, dating is a way for me to get to know a particular person. Still don't know who that particular person will be. Right now I just concentrate on meeting people and checking in with myself about how I feel about myself around them, so I can maybe make some friends and network.

God, I have no idea! That's one of the reasons I am scared to leave my husband. I don't know how to date and I don't know how I will ever meet another man. I assume that if I ever do find another man it will be over the internet as this is the best way for me to be able to relax, be myself, and communicate effectively. I don't know how to play the dating games and will probably come off as a 'ho' due to my love of innuendos and that being my main translation of "how to flirt" but there's probabaly some sort of rules or ect and I will most likely take it too far. I always take everything too far.

hopeless. always have been and always will be.

i really get terribly hurt by any kind of interaction when it involves attraction, love and care for another. i find it is like a minefield and i really do not understand what i am expected to do and how i am supposed to negotiate the basic logistics of dating or communicating.
recently i thought i found a kind of soul partner and the whole thing went totally pear shaped because i do not know how to be moderate or chilled out about things.

and so people i really do love deepy - people i care about deeply - fall out of my life, because i do not know how to manage the social side of relating and being "normal" about it all.
and i am told i can hurt people too. and i do not even mean to. i hate hurting people.

i think i am so bruised and shattered that i don't know where to go with this kind of thing anymore.

millie: I´m sorry to hear about your relationship ending. I also feel damaged from past relationships or other experiences with men. In recent years, I´ve kind of given up I guess, and make no attempt at anything. I´ve been recently wondering if I should be making some kind of effort, but the thought of dating freaks me out. I wouldn´t even know how to start anyway; the whole idea makes me anxious. I seem to have a history of doing and saying the wrong things around men anyway, so I´m kind of paranoid about this. In terms of interactions with men, I feel like an actress who doesn´t know her lines.

sola: I know what you mean about dating as "trying people out". I always felt this way too, almost like holding an audition or an interview to find someone to fit the "job" of boyfriend. It seems like a strange concept to me too. It took me awhile to learn- the hard way- that people lie, and use fake behavior. When I was young, I was so naive that this never occurred to me, so I ended up with several men who I would have never gone out with if I had known what they were really like. Another problem is that I don´t seem to have a real "coupling urge", per se. If there´s a man around, in my life, who I happen to be attracted to, then I will feel a "coupling urge", for him and only him. But the idea of blindly going out and "finding someone" just seems strange to me. What am I looking for? When I try to look, I don´t seem to have any feelings except apathy. I can´t force attraction. Since I don´t like to socialize with people I don´t know anyway, I have no real motivation to date. But it´s a catch-22, because I don´t want to be celibate, I would actually like to have someone in my life.

Another problem I have is that when I was in my 20´s, I went on some dates. They were always disastrous, and I felt horrible and anxious. At the end of the evening, the men would basically throw themselves on me, french kissing me, making out or whatever. I usually felt like I was being mauled or attacked. I have sensory issues with touching- (which I didn´t know about at that time, I just thought I was "weird"). Since each man did this, I just eventually assumed, back then, that it was standard behavior. Not only was I terrified about the interaction itself, but I felt pressured because I knew I would have to make a snap decision on whether or not I felt attracted. By the end of 1 date, I never know that anyway, there´s just too much going on. I need to take time with people, but most people are not willing to give me time. The whole thing just feels awkward.

Ah, well....

Thank you all for your feedback. At least I know I am not alone.

no, you are not alone, morgana.
i have mentioned it in other posts already, but it is befitting here too i think.
i went and heard tony attwood and isabelle henault (canadian AS specialist and sexologist) yesterday and the latter was fantastic. tony was good to hear too. But isabelle henault was excellent.

isabelle henault talked a bit about the particular difficulties for women with ASD"s and how we tend to get done over A LOT and A LOT MORE than other women. the issue of our literalness - the fact we believe wholeheartedly what is said to us --- this is a major problem.
and she also spoke about flirting andhow hard it is for us. i do not even know where to start with that!

in any encounter with someone i am interested in, i am ON or OFF. and i want everything predictable and routined. when that does not happen, i go into freak out and do not understand what is happening. it is the AS need for routine and certainty in everything i do.

the other thing she raised is the need to really be careful on the net as potential "suitors" can really take advantage of us. i think that works both ways for AS men and for AS women.

I am about as naive as i was when a young teen. i have picked up on stuff cogntively, but i do get taken in and i do get hurt and i do get done over. i am 46 and it is still happening. NT women i know in 12 step programs tell me i am clueless on the subject.

i really have given up.
hence the new signature below.
i shall hang with my dog Peggy, and my devon rex cat William -secure in the knowledge they are true and loyal friends.

I think animals are the safest friends to have too, it's like my dog, I love him to pieces and can tell him anything. I know he's not going to repeat it to anyone or backstab

I am single and have been since around 2000. I have lost about 50 lbs lately and am thinking of meeting men for coffee or lunch. I go on 'Plenty of Fish' and frankly, they look like men that don't want to spend anything on a date because well, it's a free site.

I did the whole match thing on match.com and didn't find anyone I was vaguely interested in. Probably the whole demographics thing, no one around. It's not like I haven't had other relationships before. They have to come on pretty strong to me or I am not even going to pick up any signals they are interested. I have learned to become 'invisible' on the streets and public transport, etc. mostly for security reasons. ( Being 'invisible' includes not seeing others as well as not being seen.)

so, I am rather stimied, as I don't drink, so no bars, and I don't smoke, so I don't meet anyone in that subculture huddled 25 feet away from doorways, I grocery shop on the weekends, so I get families and men shopping for two (you can tell if they are single by what they have in their carts, if I remember from the past)

I just forget how I met those relationships I had in the past, is all. I will have to think about it.

Merle

Wow, what Isabelle Henault talked about sounds interesting! I am fascinated by the subject of AS women and NT male relationships and dating, but there doesn´t seem to be much reading material about that- it´s mostly AS men/NT women oriented. I have learned a bit by reading those things (and related to them also), but I agree, women have a whole other set of problems due to the different dynamics involved. Do you know if Henault has written anything on the subject, or recorded any lectures? That sounds like just the thing I´d like to study right now, I guess because it applies to my life.

I was thinking of starting another thread soon, about experiences women on the spectrum have with NT men. I am just really interested in this subject right now, and as it is hard to get any material on it, WP seems like the best place. (I love reading WP, I learn so much here).

I think I have that problem too, and why I ended up quite often with the sort of man I don´t really like- (too possessive or strange). I can´t seem to pick up on subtlety.

Or, I´ve also had the opposite problem; thinking I´m getting "vibes" from some man who is interested in me, then, for no apparent reason, he seems to suddenly not be interested, and avoid me like I an infectious disease. I just don´t seem to be able to "read" men well at all, they hide their expressions and act stoical most of the time...