Yes, this is only halfway serious and only happened because I was bored. However, I decided to post it anyway as it might amuse someone and/or receive replies that amuse me. If someone finds they fit the description of what I want and can stand the description of me, I will be shocked, interested, but shocked
My mother has been urging me to find a mate. She says I need someone to take care of me... and things. However, I disliked the few people suggested (I don't think they liked me either). This was troubling, so I studied the infallible articles on courtship and the “what wo/men want” pieces by well established journals such as Glamour and Redbook. After gathering a significant amount of obviously well-backed data, I came to a startling conclusion The reason I have had no success in finding a mate, other than the fact that I have put next to no effort in meeting anyone, is that I need and desire something closer to what is typically wanted by males, and what I have to offer is closer to what males have to offer… according to journals such as Glamour and internet articles from sources I forgot or never knew in the first place.
So, after very seriously serious consideration, I have decided to seek a man-wife or wife-man… perhaps he-wife.
I am looking for a male between the ages of 18 and 26 who can cook, clean, remember to send out birthday and congratulatory cards that will include my name in them even if I never see them, has a sense of style (not that I would be able to tell if he didn’t- it’s for the family), does strange things such as arranging fruit, gives me obvious hints about what he wants for his birthday and still acts thrilled and surprised, appreciates the rare times I actually manage to surprise him and lets me feel proud of myself about it, is bad at mechanical things and math so I can feel smart and save the day, lets me be/feel in charge until I’m about to do something stupid then gently steers me in a different direction so as not to damage my mildly inflated ego, always chooses crying over yelling, has the ability to nag yet still be cute, can be the emotional one in the relationship, laughs at my jokes, genuinely thinks I’m brilliant in the things I take pride in and forgives the fact that I’m not good at anything other than the few things I obsess over, can help me finish and organize lists with his fantastic organizational skills…
To possible mate:
I will eat the food you cook, create messes for you to clean, forget things so you can remember them and shake your head at me, never complain about the way you decorate and change our living space so long as you leave me one old chair I can take refuge on, make an effort to get you things and do things to make you feel special, jump at any chance to solve your problems with appliances and never make you feel bad about not being able to handle them yourself (I have to rescue you from technical and mechanical problems because I’m entirely useless when it comes to pretty much everything else), take charge and make tough decisions when you’re unsure yet completely fold and let you have your way whenever you really want something, try not to yell at you and feel endlessly guilty if I ever hurt your feelings, deep sigh when you nag me but eventually do what you want, follow your emotional lead, let you improve me, but, if you’re sweet and can do all the things I listed, I will simply adore and praise you.
Now, no one can complain that I’m not putting myself out there.
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While Mr. Kim... has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.
- Dr. Sheldon Cooper (TBBT)