Social Skills Training for Adults

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Just want to declare a HUGE victory in the quest for better "social skills" awareness.

I have NEVER been able to speak to my Mother because all she does is small talk with me. I moved to the other coast from her (and my whole family) more than 30 years ago and have only been able to speak with her through my Father in all those years. He passed away 7 months ago and my Mother and I barely spoke over the past 7 months. When we tried to speak (on the phone of course), it was painfully awkward. (We only did it 2 times and the convo lasted may 3 min each time)

Today I had a "shift" in attitude and made a call to her. I was able to "support" her in her conversation and I did not get upset. The conversation was not "fun" for me nor was it "smooth" per say, but it also was not painfully awkward and I could tell by her voice that she was very happy with it. The "shift" for me was on several fronts and I am going to give credit to these sessions for many of these shifts...

The first "shift" was about the fact that I could NOT do small talk. CANNOT and WILL NOT are really the same thing but I never made the shift in my mind before from CANNOT to WILL NOT. My black/white thinking about small talk in the past made it impossible for me to even attempt it. In In other words, I CAN "do" small talk IF I really want to do it. It is not easy and I may even never be good, but it can be done. It doesn't make sense for me to completely take myself out of the picture from my family just because it is hard for me to do phone and small talk. The other "shift" for me came from the sheer level of humility I felt in these sessions. With this new awareness of my role (or rather responsibility) in our previously poor attempt to communicate, I was able to enter the conversatin without contempt for my Mother or for small talk. In other words I realized that it wasn't the sheer fact that we only do "small talk" that ruined the call but also my failures to be able to step up to it. This thinking led me to a better attitude at the start of the call. Finally I had a "shift" about my responsibility to "support" the other person in the call. I prepared a list of "open ended" questions to ask her and then I let her answer them as a large part of the call. Other than that I did not speak much and honestly, I did not even really listen so much to what she said, BUT the point is that I made the call and she was very happy.

Progress was made. Water can bore a hole through rock 1 drip at a time and so can an Aspie tackle the challenges of "social" life...

Last edited by kfisherx on 20 Mar 2011, 8:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's great to hear that you made some progress. It sounds like your mother really appreciated it.

Small talk is undoubtedly one of the more difficult concepts to learn, something I'm still struggling with a bit. At least I can do it now, even if it's not fun and very tiring.

I'm glad that the training is working out for you!

Thanks Syrella... glad this thread is helping a few people..

Victory toppled by sensory processing issues today. I slept 18 hours overnight and today went out to lunch with a friend and was flinching at cars going by on the street. Canned all plans to go out yet again. I think I may still be physically sick. (I got a virus 3 weeks ago) I have promised everyone that I would go to the Drs this week. Sigh....

I still am not giving up as I think this is all a fluke. If not, prepare to watch a major burn out right here on channel WP.

Thank you for sharing these. From your posts I've come to realize that I've done quite a bit of social skills training on my own without ever realizing the reason I needed it. Thanks to a seminar at a job fifteen years ago that went into customer service psychology - reading body language, tone of voice, intent, etc... I became fascinated with what iIlearned and persued more of the same.

I'm one of those creative artsy types, never at a loss for ideas or words. I still don't apply them correctly all the time but I think I did learn some of these small talk cues fairly well through trial and error and a whole lot of reading. Your struggle with them brought back so many memories. I'm amazed at how accomplished your therapist is - how everyone in general around you is. The reaction from your boss is simply awe inspiring. Definitely a man to be held up as an example of doing it right.

The social skill card game sounds like it would work well for me! I really thrive on that puzzle-like challenge. Hang in there... you're building a new library, learning a new language. Once you get through small talk 101 you'll be able to graduate to conversational small talk. You just need to complete your prerequisite first.

My feelings about small talk are basically that it is a necessary evil. It's like cleaning the toilet - no one wants to do it but sometimes you just gotta roll up your sleeves and get it done. Most of the time I think I'd rather clean the toilet. I think I can hold my own in conversation but even now, it is exhausting and unfulfilling for me. I'm lucky in that I think I have a quick sense of humor - that has served me very well since it is something that can get you into a conversation quickly and easily. Maintaining the interest is the trick, especially in a group of people not associated with your interests.

I'm glad to hear that you reconnected with your mother. That phonecall small talk is one of my greatest foes because my social skills revolve largely around reading body language cues - I'm lost on the phone. I hope you take your success there to heart... it real is a huge accomplishment.

Thanks again for the inspiration.

That is so right. And that is why I wouldn't waste my time on social skills training. I know enough for the "toilet cleaning" moments, but can't envisage at this stage of life how I would "unlearn" behaviours which may hinder me. Too much stress for too little reward.

Each to their own though.

You're welcome. I will not keep up this level of detailed reporting for as long as the sessions last now that I know it will be quite awhile but I will make it a point to try to keep this updated at least until it is no longer useful to folks.



I have had a lot of similar training in my corporate job and world but somehow the act of 1:1 talk doesn't really work with me unless it is technical. I can do groups because I can blend in or hide but 1:1 really gets me. I agree that both my boss and this coach are doing great work so far and have nothing but respect for both right now. The coach (AKA psychologist) is so very different from my first psychologist who mostly was amazed at how my brain worked. This guy has seen people like me before and I don't feel quite as weird in his pressence. Heck he even anticipates how I am going to respond sometimes (and gets it right).

I'm currently between jobs. It's been years since I needed to put together a resume and so much has changed since I last needed to go searching so I took a few classes. In my interview class, do you know the number one most successful way to get a new job is?

Networking. Referrals from friends and colleagues and people you meet and get talking to... hence the 'need' for social skills whether you like them or not.

I am SO screwed...

Really? I've never throughout my career landed a new job through a friend or colleague. They are useful for references, but getting a new job has never been that much of a problem. Either I'm an idiot, in that I've missed all these opportunities from my contacts or else it is just a myth that that is the number one way.

LOL! It has ALWAYS been this way so don't fret. If you found one before through other means, you'll find one again through the same means. I am now very "networked" in my industry and haven't had to "look" for work for about 10 years. My last job was created for me when I mentioned to another coworker that I was getting tired of the position I was in. Networking in my industry is about your work skillz more than social skillz btw.

Put out the fact that you are "looking" to the world. My company is hiring (look at our webpage) and I get 2k for everyone I can put into a job here right now so if you are into engineering and qualify for any of the jobs on our site pass me your resume. (send me a PM and I will give you my email) You would be surprised how many resources are out there if you put out your requests.

So incredibly kind!

Unfortunately, all of my skills are fairly specific - marketing and merchandising in large scale horticulture. I'm a plant person that's really good at getting other people excited about plants. Thanks to the 'recession' the market is shrinking smaller and smaller every year. Of course, my BA is in Fine Art - illustration to be specific. I just might have the excuse I was looking for to go back to my first love.

But thank you so much for the offer!

Next session tomorrow. Just want to throw out there a couple of observations from my days of "gestation" on this training. First thing to note is that I got incredibly sick with a virus (fever/lung congestion) just after starting this adventure. Then oddly I could not shake the sickness and have been dragging my butt around for the past 4 weeks in a most apathetic (for me) state. This is exceptionally weird given that I am an "elite" athlete of sorts.

It would be quite reasonable to assume that the cause of my illness/troubles was the social skills training stuff since it correlated with the onset sickness and fatigue. I nearly did that but I am not one to immediately believe that correlation is = to causation so I searched for other possible solutions to my physical issues and pulled out the "works" to find out what was going on. For the past weeks I have been to a number of Doctors and have had all manors of tests as the Doctors searched for this hidden culprit. Nothing came up at first but as of this morning I was finally pointed to a lack of red blood cells and subsequent low hemoglobin and Henatocrit. (In other words I am anemic) I have been given a B12/folate injections and am now on the mend. So nah.... Not social skills training related at all.

Second thing to note is that I am becoming much more "people" aware than I ever have been in my life. I am starting to take note when talking 1:1 with people how they are looking at me and making an effort to at least look in their direction when speaking to them. Also when they are talking to me I am trying to nod my head and acknowledge occasionally what they are saying though that sometimes makes me miss what they are saying. (Gotta get that timing down) The interesting thing RE this is people are noticing. Not only did my Mother have lightness in her voice when I called but others are also commenting that something is a bit different. I have actually had some nice encounters with people at work and have pulled off my new learnings though I really blew it today... Still all-in-all MUCH improvement from before where I was completely unaware. Pretty cool stuff so far.

Now to brace for tomorrow.... (stay tuned)

There's a really nasty flu virus going around right now that's doing that to a lot of people. I don't know if you know this or not (since you're an athlete, you might have been warned about it somewhere along the line because athletes tend to do this to themselves), but physically pushing yourself even a little during this kind of virus can result in the sort of trouble you're having, even without the anemia. Plus, everyone I know who's had this said it was harder to recover from than anything they're used to (of course half of them thought it was a "bad cold" because people these days think the flu is a stomach bug ). So if you're still having trouble even after getting treatment, post-viral fatigue is one thing to consider. One of the easiest ways to bring it on is to push oneself physically while one has a virus (I've done it... of course).

LOL!! A girl after my own heart! (How did you guess?)

OF COURSE I came back too soon. I was out of bed on day 3 of sitll carrying a low grade fever and seeking some nasal spray from the Doc. He yelled at me (quite literally) and sent me back home to bed. The next day I am out of bed and back to work with low grade fever. The next week I am back on the football field feeling pretty strong. I made it through 1.5 practices before I crashed hardcore and slept for 20 solid hours followed by the next 3 weeks of long sleep and fatigue. Yes, I am familiar this is a virus and I did come back too quickly but still it has been over 4 weeks now and I am still feeling fatigued so I knew something else is also up. Normally I am as healthy as they come and haven't been physically sick at all for the past 4 years so this is VERY unlike me. If I get any sort of illness my recovery time is usually quite quick. This one is ridiculous though and took me out as hard as anything I have ever had. It is likely it did not GIVE me anemia as that takes awhile to develop but probably was responsible for pushing me over that edge. Now to figure out why I am not absorbing B12.... Lesson learned for me. RESPECT the virus next time!!

It's good that you're making progress and that the social skills training wasn't causing your problems.

Hope today goes well.

I guessed because some people are predictable that way.

Have I told you two lately how much I <3 you?