Married with children, wife doesn't understand.

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I am 27 years old, and on my second marriage. I recently discovered aspergers and that I fit the symptoms to a tee. I am in the process of getting an official diagnosis (Tricare takes forever for this type of thing, however), but there is no doubt in my mind that I am aspergian. With that out of the way, here we go:

I am quite good at emulating normalcy. At least I was, before we had children, because I could just retreat and "recharge" whenever I needed to. We were happily married for 2 years before we had kids, and before I lost the ability to recharge. Now we have a 2 year old and a 1 year old, and no friends or family in the area. I'm quite good at scaring off new friends and I never maintained much contact with my family because I despise talking on the phone. My facade as a normal person is rapidly decaying and is causing a lot of problems for us. If I try to hide out and take my much needed "me time" I feel bad because she is stuck dealing with our two children, who quite frankly are horrible kids. I know I shouldn't say that about them, and I do love them, but they are just so draining on both of us. For example, it takes my 2 year old about 4 hours of screaming and throwing toys to finally go to bed at night, and she will never take a nap.

How can I explain to her that I need to escape sometimes. Sometimes for as long as a week in order to return to the man she fell in love with? I have bought her the book "22 things" but she doesn't seem to have any interest in reading it. I try to explain to her how my brain is different from hers and she gets upset and says to "stop it your fine". She gets sad that I never want to go to the park with the kids, and any time she wants to go out it's almost torture being in those places. Restaurants, Stores, Malls, State Fair, you name it - I hate crowded places. I will compromise and go, and she may be temporarily happier until I begin to get overstimulated and want to run away back home. She thinks I am just lazy and that all I want to do is sit at home.

If we are alone without the kids, it's just a constant barrage of how bad her day at work was, and how stressed out the kids make her. I understand intellectually that she needs to "vent" but frankly I just don't care about these things and it often shows on my face. She gets upset when I don't show the same excitement as her when our 1 year old does something new. I just don't get what the big deal is. "Yay - he let go of the couch and stood on his own for 2 whole seconds. Amazing. Almost as amazing as the 200 other times hes done it. Now leave me alone please!" is what goes through my mind, and then I feel bad for it because I know I'm not being the father my kids need or the husband my wife needs.

I just don't understand how to tell her all of this. I am sure it will destroy what's left of our marriage and I don't want to lose my wife and kids. The logical choice seems to be to just accept it and feign interest in her trivial affairs and accept my fate as running on empty batteries for the rest of my life. Hoping there is somebody out there who has gone through a similar situation that can lend me some advice besides counseling - I can't stand counselors. (I had to go to many growing up, before anybody in my town knew about aspergers. I lost any respect for them years ago because countless were never able to get me)

Hi Civ. What you wrote sounds just like my situation. I am sorry you've had trouble with counseling. I haven't been to a counselor in a long time, and I have not yet been diagnosed myself (just recently lost Tricare so now only with the VA). But I would recommend trying counseling anyway, to get the help with telling your wife. I am dreading the day that I have to do this same thing with my husband, but I know it's necessary. We've been married 5 years and it's really putting a strain on the marriage. He gets mad because I can't go to any store bigger than something like a Dollar General and I really don't care to hear about his day at work. He can see that in my expression and has asked if I'm bored, and I lie and say no.

It can't keep going on. You said you have Tricare, what kind of system are you dealing with? Active duty military psychologists? Social workers?

Active Duty military, still waiting for the referral to go through from my family practice doctor though. Hopefully within the month!

Hi Civ, your honest appraisal of your life in your family is a good faith start. All the best to you and your loved ones. Perhaps your wife will become curious as to your truth some day and this board could be educational, then. I've gained a lot of insight here.

I will be curious to hear how this goes for you!

Sounds like you need supernanny aka jo frost.

But I don't have kids so I can only give a child's perspective.

However I was a nightmare child... I think kids can pick up on stress between parents. Clear specific rules for behavior may be a good idea. Although I still prefer clear specific rules as an adult.

My mum was the 1 who seemed the most stressed. I used to play them off against each other. You have to both agree on the rules and both enforce them fairly and consistently .i.e bedtime is 7pm. Just keep putting the kid back in bed. Make 7pm bed time every night. No room for negotiation. I knew my parents didnt agree on things so I could usualy get whatever I wanted. Dont let your kids think that or theyll use it to their advantage.

My parents used to take me, my bro n sis on walks. He likes the countryside, maybe because there isnt too much sensory overload as there would be in town.

My mum sometimes had meltdowns on trips in town. Not sure what a way round the sensory overload is. Maybe if she had said she was feeling overwhelmed and gone for a short wak and come back in a better mood that wouldve been better than her making ys feel like she hated us and ruining the whole trip. We didnt know about her autism back then.

What do you like doing? Maybe you can include your kids. My mum likes to read, so to spend quality time with us she would read to us individually. Can you include your family in something you like to do.

You may need to let your wife know or feel that you have an interest in her problems before she is willing to look at that book or take an interest in your problems.

She needs to know what you told us here. That you don't want to lose her and you want to work together to make things better.

Dont give up

There's a book called "Asperger's Syndrome and Long Term Relationships" that my husband read after I was diagnosed. It seemed to help him understand a bit better. He still has a long way to go, in that he still expects a lot of NT things from me that I can't give, but it's getting better. We've been married a long time and there's always been this "what's wrong with me" thing going on, which was answered last year when I was diagnosed. I have hope that it will improve from here...good luck to you (the book may be even more helpful for your wife, as it's written by an NT wife of an AS man...my husband had to continue to switch genders, and there is a bit of difference between AS females and males, so it didn't "fit" perfectly, but it still helped).

~Kate

She understands you need to escape sometimes. That is not the issue.



This is part of the issue. You are stressed and need a way to relieve that stress, and....she is also stressed and needs a way to relieve that stress.

A marriage is a partnership and when one person is stressed the other person is usually stressed, and it's an indication that the marriage as a whole needs a new management approach. At work, when a project isn't running smoothly, a meeting is usually called to discuss the problem, understand the issues each team has to deal with, and formulate a way to approach and overcome those problems. A marriage is no different.

Sit down with your wife to talk about finding ways to better manage stress and daily schedules. It's important that you acknowledge, and even emphasize the stresses she is dealing with, and it's strategically favorable to either talk about her problems first, or approach the issue as a "we" problem. For example "We need to find a better way to manage things so we are both not so stressed"

If all she hears is "I can't handle this", "I need time for myself", and a bunch of other egocentric sentences, then she will perceive that as you abandoning her and leaving her with all of the daily responsibilities.

It's certainly ok, and even important that you talk about your own needs, but you need to approach these things in a way that communicates to your wife that you also understand her situation and do not intend to leave her to deal with everything on her own.

That being said, it's usually not feasible that you go off for an entire week on your own on a regular basis. This is what you need to fit into your schedule in no particular order. Time for your family, time for your wife alone, together time with your wife, and time for your self alone.

There are various ways this can be coordinated. You can hire baby sitter's and nanny's to watch the kids. Discuss all of this with your wife. But again, make sure she understands you are in this with her and are not abandoning her in any way. You might even talk about this with her in the presence of a marriage and family counselor who specializes in stress management, not because the marriage isn't working, just because they can usually help to clarify when one spouse misunderstands what the other said.



Let's face it, most children are going to reach these mile stones. Women are super vigilant about these things thought because they are important mile stones and so evolution has instilled in them the capacity to get excited about them, so I don't think you should feel bad that you don't get as excited as she does. Just say something like "He's going to be running soon." Or even say something to him like "(kid's name) did you balance?" and then put your hands up and while standing say to him "Balance". At least this serves to teach him the meaning of the word and forge a bond with you, and it will appease your wife that you took some interest in your son.



You don't need to tell her that you don't get excited at things like milestones, as illustrated above. The talk about how to better manage stress does need to be phrased carefully and if you think you will mess it up then I do advise you speak with a marriage and family counselor first and tell them of your problems so they can help you find a way to best approach your wife with this matter.



No, the logical choice is what I have illustrated above.



Now that counselors know about AS, they are better equipped to counsel people with AS. However the role of the counselor in this situation would simply be as a mediator. For example, if you did say something to your wife like "I need time to myself or I can't do this!" and your wife gets upset because she hears that as implying you don't acknowledge her needs and the fact that she can't take on all of the responsibilities herself, the counselor can clarify that you do realize she has her needs and what you really need to do is find something that works for both of you.

It is like a negotiation between two different countries and they mediate it.

This sentence leaps out at me in particular, because I get the same thing. I pass for pretty much normal these days, and my partner struggles to understand that I wasn't always like this. I get overstimulated, I cope badly in some situations and there have been times he's been angry at me for ignoring him - because he just doesn't get it.

There's a certain sense of denial here. It's easier to think we're fine and just having a "bad day" now and again than remember we are living with a mental illness. Anyone who's encountered family members with an addiction, religious fundamentalism or the joy of a gay child coming out to a homophobic parent will understand full well just how strong that denial can be. Of course she won't read that book. That would mean accepting the problem.



I was taken to a counsellor when I was at school. I was probably about 14. She remained calm and unflappable, even after I tore the room apart. I was (and still am) incapable of deliberately hurting anyone. If that hadn't been the case I'd probably have tried to kill her. I cannot stand counsellors.

I know this is quite old, but the original post makes my heart hurt. Kids are draining. I'm NT, but introverted, and I need alone time to recharge and some socialising time to pep up a bit (but not too much). Extroverts probably need time with friends without their kids to recharge their batteries.

I suspect my husband has AS. The OPs words confirm to me what my husband was thinking...that he just didn't care about my needs - especially when my son was a difficult infant. He could often be quite cruel in trying to ensure he didn't have to deal with the difficulties of fatherhood. My son was very, very clingy. And would scream if not held. I would beg my husband to look after him while I could shower alone. His response: "Can't you take him with you to shower?" No. It's awful AND I need the time on my own to look after my physical hygiene properly and get a bit of a break. His next response: He turned to the baby and said "Your mother's abandoning you." I begged him to stop. Now...here's the thing. I don't blame AS for that. I blame his being a jerk for that. I understand AS made him feel overwhelmed - but you can choose to be a jerk or not.

AS is not an excuse for not doing your bit in parenting. Yes, it's hard and maybe it's harder. But you cannot offload all of this onto your wife. And when you get to a point where you really must offload, you have to understand that how you do it makes a huge difference how you do it.

Your children are not awful. They are children. Their milestones are important. Sure some women (and men) get overly excited about it. But so much can go wrong with kids that it is a huge relief that your child is developing normally and for the child those first steps really are big steps. Bipedal walking is pretty unusual in the animal kingdom.

Your wife's concerns are not trivial. They are important to her. Just as your concerns may be trivial to someone else. You may well be overwhelmed, but that does not give you an excuse to treat your wife like crap or your kids are some kind of poorly functioning, aesthetically unappealing accessories. You don't want to lose your wife and kids? Act like it.

It's two years ago. Maybe he is 'acting' like it.

Or maybe they have split up, and perhaps that was what was best for everyone.

Personally, I'd rather someone meant it than put on an act. Either way, best wishes to the OP if he is still around.

Some threads should remain dead.

If a thread can help someone, why should it remain dead?

Unless you're alluding to the current tensions between the male and female members in L&D at the moment?

Will it help the OP? Doubtful.

Why does it only have to help the OP? If someone sees a thread that relates to their situation, what's the point of starting a new one? Just makes the board messy.

'messy'? Riiiight
Think we'll have to disagree on this.

I'm fully aware the OP is probably long gone. But it certainly provoked a reaction in me. And if these are general tendencies, then it's likely to help someone else.

And why fake it? Because the people in his life have value beyond his immediate needs. If the Aspergers tendency is to speak with no filter and the result is pain to those you love, fake the filter. Count to ten. Think before you speak.