Funny autistic moments

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A while ago, I tried to explain to a clerk at the post office that I needed adhesive tape for a salad. What I really meant was something entirely different. I had put a salad together at the salad bar of a grocery store, and I knew from experience that the plastic containers don't stay closed during a bumpy bicycle ride. So I went to a nearby post office to buy some adhesive tape in order to secure the lid. When the clerk tried to make some conversation, I panicked and mumbled something about a salad and me needing the tape for it I must have sounded like a total idiot on a very weird diet.

As a kid I loved counting things, almost to the point of obsession.

I was also in a choir and one time they took us to some concert hall for a performance. There was an organ in there and it was probably the first time I saw one, so I thought "those organ pipes look so cool... I have to count them! " Unfortunately, we didn't get a dress rehearsal on the stage - the first and only time we were there was for the actual performance, with the audience full of parents and whoever. The organ pipes were at the back of the stage and the choir was, obviously, facing the audience. No problem, I thought, if I just turn my head a bit to the left and then a bit to the right I can count the pipes and nobody is likely to even notice. So I did that - but this still left the pipes directly behind me. Of course, having counted all the rest, I couldn't leave those uncounted! So I turned my head right around, counted them, computed the total and went back to singing, still thinking that, most likely, nobody would have noticed.

Well, as it turned out, everybody noticed. That was the main topic of conversation during the break - "did you see that kid that was turning around?" The choir-mistress was pissed!

- What the hell were you doing?!
- Counting the organ pipes.
- What the hell for?! !
- Err... I don't know?

If you have a weak stomach, please do not read any further.

In Phoenix it gets very hot in the summer on this day the heat hit 105 degrees. Still, my 3 year old and 7 year old liked to go on stroller rides. I pushed the stroller about 3 miles to the local McDonald's and the walk home was about 3 miles home. I made the mistake of having Hawaiian Punch. The combination of the heat, heavy exercise, foothills, and punch had the effect of acting like Liquid Drain-O on my digestive system. I had two choices:

1. Have a very brown and smelly accident in my pants that my neighbors would certainly notice.
2. Find a place to relieve myself.

I found a very narrow, dusty, drain pipe not more than 24 inches tall. I crawled up the pipe. While my two sons stood by the edge asking numerous questions. I prayed that no one would come by. I did what I had to do as fast as I could and moved on grateful that I was not discovered. Sure, I was more than a little dusty and grimy. Yet, I was so happy that I found a solution to my problem.

In another half hour, we are almost home. My autistic seven year old child announces that he also has to go to the bathroom.

I said, "We are almost home. You can hold it." I thought, this is a step in the correct direction. He is imitating his father.

Son says, "No, I have to go now."

I say, "No, please not now. I will give you any reward you want if you just hold on for 15 minutes."

A minute later, He was off the stroller. His pants and underwear were down to his ankles on a fairly busy street. Faster, than a speeding bullet I moved him to the side of the road for a minimal level of privacy while he did what he needed to do. The boy started laughing.

My younger child loves to imitate everyone, especially his big brother.

A moment later my younger son screams, "Look Daddy, I am naked."

I moved him to the same place where his brother had assumed the squatting position.

I exhaled in relaxation. The boys would not be noticed unless a passing car looked directly at them and carefully thought about the situation.

But, Noooo, I would not be quite so lucky. The older boy was constipated. "I need help Daddy."

The younger boy got jealous. "I need help too Daddy."

So I had to sit on the ground, looking dusty and dirty as I hugged both boys while they tried to do what they needed to do.

After about ten minutes later and lots of giggling from both boys, the older boy produced a tiny hard ball. I pulled up their pants.

Suppose you were a little boy. Would you want to just leave such a wonderful unique object alone? Of course not.

The boys started to play with the smelly object.
Then they started to fight over the object. Eventually, I hollered at them in exasperation. They looked at me angrily and got in the stroller.

I had done it. I had spoiled a perfectly good time.

Us parents can be so unreasonable, sometimes.

I used to be WAY more gullible. One time my friend told me that her brother was allergic to babies and I said "Really?". She was joking, she meant that he didn't like kids. Hey, it's possible, why not? LOL

Sometimes I'm in the middle of telling a story when I see my niece grinning at me for no discernible reason. When I ask her why she's grinning she tells me how many times I've told her the story before.

I am not sure if this had to due with autism but I can be very gullible. I go to my brother in law's and my nephew's half sister tells me they call their dog Stupid because it's his nickname. So while I was there, the dog was barking and being annoying so I told him "Stupid, stop it" "Stupid, shut up." My nephew tells me his name is not Stupid and it's Waffles. I told him it's his nickname and he said it was not and I told him that is what his sister told me. He said she only calls him that because she doesn't like him. Fooled by a five year old.

Once as a teenager me and the boys were playing some music. I was playing synthetisator (I cannot spell ).

I "woke up" after a while and guys were staring and laughing at me and told me I had jammed/had shutdown and played one chord for almost whole song.

I have never played in public after that. Luckily this accident happened on music lesson.

umm... youtuh worker/therpist was trying to get me to stop biting my thumbs and chewing my shirt everytime she turned around again i was doing it again we were walking around a very overstimulating shopping centere (i think either at or just before christmas)

I was giving a presentation to my class and decided (at someone else's suggestion) to open with a question. So I asked my question and another student gave her answer. I completely ignored her and said, "Does anyone else have any ideas?" Then I realized that it probably seemed like I meant she was wrong, so I was like, "OH! Not because you're wrong!" Everyone started laughing, including me. Luckily, it was a good ice-breaker, but I hadn't meant to be funny.

I used to carry my game Boy with me in high school and I also liked taking off the battery cover and putting it back on. My school counselor said it was a OCD thing. One day during one of our sessions, he took it from me and I started to twist my fingers instead. He thought he could get me to stop but instead I found something else.

As a kid I was often confused by odd phrases or vague commands. When I asked what they meant, people usually just repeated the phrase/command (such as "Behave properly!", "Sit like a lady!", or other things that depend on a pre-existing understanding of social norms.) Since the meaning wasn't explained to me, I tried to think of the logical solution. In the "Sit like a lady!" situation, I figured that because I am a lady and I was sitting in a position that I found comfortable, I was, therefore, already sitting like a lady. Needless to say, when I explained my reasoning, people were not amused...

But it gets better. When I responded to my mom by saying that, she would retort by calling me a "smartass."
To which I would respond, "Would you rather I be a dumbass?"

What?! It was the logical thought process I had! It just annoyed my mom further, yes; but in my defense, if I didn't always understand sarcasm, how could I have possibly wielded it so perfectly? (You would think that would clue a person in, but in my case it just made people believe me less when I said I didn't understand what I did wrong. Bah!) It's still really funny to look back on, though.

I remember back in 6th grade I was first learning about sarcasm. I was talking to my mother in the car one day and then she asked me "Can you talk louder please?" and I got confused. I couldn't understand why she wanted me to talk louder if she could hear me. Then she said "That was called sarcasm, I want you to talk quieter so I told you do to the opposite." I still didn't get it then so I figured sarcasm was another word for lying. Like if I didn't want someone to do something, I tell them to do it anyway.

I remember I got obsessed with sarcasm so I started to say things that were not true and telling people to do things I didn't want them doing and I can remember telling the aid in my class that I can see she is wearing a nice dress even though she had pants on. This went on for weeks or days until my mother told me "Okay Beth, you get what sarcasm is now, now you can stop doing it now."

I don't remember this, but I have been told that, when I was a little kid, I line up candy instead of eating it unless I was told to... (my family finds it funny)