How did you learn to become independent?

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I'm having many fears about being an independent adult. How were able to adapt and learn how to be independent?

I have always been a money saver so that helped. I have wanted to be on my own since I was 16 so that helped. I have wanted to work since I was 15 to earn my own money and it pays more than doing chores at home so that also helped. Then when I was an adult I wanted out so bad and my parents helped me with that so they kicked out the renter in my grandpa's rental home since she never paid her rent and I moved in. I didn't pay many bills, all I had was rent, internet, phone, cable and electric. I lived in the country so no trash service or recycling service and no sewer bill either or water. It was so nice coming home to the way I left it instead of coming home to other peoples messes and having to pick up after them. I had my own environment to control and it was more calm for me.

I just had to, because of some extreme circumstances. I ended up living in a homeless shelter for my senior year in high school. But then while I was there, I was getting a check from the state and I saved it up and bought a trailer and moved out after graduation. The organizational parts of adulthood are still a challenge for me, like I have to have a system or I might forget to pay a bill or something, but as far as being on your own, I guess because I had to just face it, I did. I am actually really proud of myself because when I was diagnosed my mother was told I might never live independently, or drive, or have a real job, and I do all of those things now.

I was forced to be independent from an early age (parental neglect and abuse, fled an abusive home at 15). Until my mid-twenties I faced life very alone, and it was tricky. I needed someone wiser and more grounded in the ways of life to give me direction, validation, companionship, to identify and encourage my strengths. Fortunately such a person turned up, and became a friend who provided trustworthy support. I hope this happens for you.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to meet someone who sees the good in us and celebrates it. This is a very healing experience.

You can tell these people: they offer attention, they appreciate your best qualities, they have a gift for giving others affection, approval, acceptance, affirmation. They recognise your worth, as a human being and as an individual.

Sometimes you have to find them. I found some in 12 step groups, in a social anxiety group, and - most importantly of all - by chance, when I moved into a house where the person in the next apartment befriended me and nurtured me with her capacity to love others. She restored to me something that had been missing all my life to that point: the capacity to trust someone. She opened a door for me so that hope could enter my life. She celebrated my successes. When I graduated from university, no family were there to acknowledge my successes, but she was - like a proud parent.

Find that person, however long it takes. Good luck and best wishes on the journey ahead.

They are thin on the ground, though they are out there in the world.

My motivation was: getting out of my mother's house, plus living on my own. I didn't like telling people I live with my mother! It was embarrassing. My mother was a really nasty person to live with (she wasn't dirty, just b****chy).

My plan was to get a job which was easy for me: data-entry typing fit the bill nicely. I would have probably moved out, if I thought I was able, before then.

I got the data-entry job, then waited about 9 months, then moved in with my girlfriend. I was 20 years old, and this was 1981.

I've never looked back.

I'm working on it now, I have to do it for my own sanity. My status-quo became to painful to tolerate any longer so the anxiety I might have with going out on my own doesn't seem as bad in comparison anymore. I've been working with Voc Rehab lately, they're much nicer in this state than than they were back in my original home state. They say they're going to help me find a job or pay for me to go to school.

well im not very independent momentarily but i did learn a lot of social rules, life skills, ECT from being on my own. my parents were Gamblers and went out every night, my sister and i, only 2 years apart had to take care of ourselfs. so i had to learn things on my own at a young age.

Thank you so much for your help. I feel lost and confised about being independent. I'm not sure how to go about this. Do you think I will learn more about this when I go to college?

Not unless you seek it out. It seems that life skills--some of the most important ones--are left to chance. But, having anxiety about it is likely a GOOD thing as it can be a driving force for your to learn about any missing skills. There are probably classes, books, counselors, etc. who can help..

For instance, what, in particular, are you worried about?






I left home at 17 and I was horribly, horribly unprepared. I did NOT want to go and I knew I was not ready. I was terribly socially naive, lacked some really important life skills, and lived in a co-ed dorm of a large university in a downtown area. It was a complete and horrible, horrible disaster of epic proportions.

From that experience, I would honestly say, if you aren't ready...don't do it. Stay at home (if you can) and learn the skills you need and find someone who can give you an objective opinion of how you're doing and what else you might need before it's time.

I went back to live with family at 19 and was married by 21. I am sure I am still socially naive (just slightly less so), and my husband is in charge of things I suck at. I would like to still have those skills though, and work on missing ones when I can.

I am also a parent of an AS child and an NT one. This is something that's been on my mind from very early on. I have a working list of life skills I want to expose them to at certain ages and a general idea of what I'd like them to be capable of before they are moving out age. (They are young, so for now it mostly just consists of household chores and the stretching of their ability to wait for results/reward/etc.)

It wouldn't hurt to read a few books like these -- browse though similar titles at your library to find a good one:

Life Skills 101: A Practical Guide to Leaving Home and Living on Your Own by Tina Pestalozzi

What They Don't Teach You in College: A Graduate's Guide to Life on Your Own Paperback
by James Kramon

Supportive parents and grandparents, and three siblings before me to show me the way, a not knowing that I had Asperger's in the first place, and the old "I/we didn't know any better" thing.

In my experience not nessisarily, I graduated highschool when I was 18 and I really wanted to live on my own and start my own life...figured going to college away from home would help that and I'd learn more about social interaction and have a better chance at making good friends. Well it didn't end up like that....a lot of people took advantage and as it turns out I couldn't handle college so I eventually dropped out. Tried working but along with the autism and mental problems I've developed throughout life that didn't work out either...so I tried going to community college which was too much and so eventually I applied for SSI and now that is how I get money to live on.

If you got proper support and such in college then you might have a better experience, but not sure what that would look like, maybe you could find a college with some sort of autism support group and the option of accomidations. Otherwise there are probably programs to help people on the spectrum find work and such if you decide not to go to college. I think one of my main problems is I was trying to push myself too hard, not really acknowledging I was struggling with a lot of things including PTSD so not getting any support or help with it.

1) Learn from the mistakes of others, which means reading through lots of old posts on Wrong Planet.

2) Try something, if it works then do it again, if it doesn't work then backtrack, examine WHY it didn't work, and modify your behavior for the next attempt.

3) Always have a fallback position, think of it as a virtual safety net.

4) Have fun!

I didn't. (I'm in all-out 'f**k it' mode at this point in life)

35 & still working on being completely financially independant for a long period of time, left home at 17 though.

Not sure what you mean by independant.
We're all dependant.

On each other, on society, etc.
If you mean life skills, well, I'm still working on those, all that self-care stuff, & generally trying to make it in the world.

College isn't scary, it's when you get out & have to work that's the hard part.
Best advice: choose to do something early on and work towards that, don't let anything get in your way.
First though, you have to choose.
Do it soon, don't wait.

I can't be.

Semi-independent is probably the highest I can achieve looking at me realistically.