Opinion of a Man Who Prefers the Company of Women?

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Ladies of WP, I would love to hear what you have to say about this. I was recently dating a nearly perfect dream girl for about 3 months. We had so much in common it was scary in terms of childhood experiences, living arrangements, personality, etc. Long story short she told me a few weeks ago she saw me as a friend and did not share my "intensity" and has consistently made excuses not to hang out. I respected that she wanted to take it slow and even enjoyed going to her place when her three best girl friends were visiting but the end result was the same. It was even harder to take because about a month before that she seemed to be developing romantic feelings for me but I wanted to respect her wishes.

This seems to be a recurring theme to me. I have made it no secret that even though I look like a stereotypical male, with stereotypical male interests and am straight as an arrow I have always gotten along better with women my whole life. Could this be the reason I keep getting 'friend-zoned' and can't seem to show off my more *ahem* masculine side in my relationships? I certainly don't mind having more female friends and it's great to be considered a friend but I do want a serious, monogamous relationship where I can share my life and love. Is there a way to reconcile the two? I would appreciate some feedback to this dilemma! People tell me that I need to avoid having too many female friends but that would make me into a loner, a path I do not wish to go down again.

Hey Man,

Sorry it didn't work out.

But you will get the Stanley Cup in the end.

I do believe, at times, that women desire a man who does not seem like a "friend," per se. I have experienced that. I've been "friend-zoned" for that reason.

However, I would not let that fact deter you. There are many women who do like a guy who's a "friend" as well as a "lover."

Having "too many" female friends is a myth.

When I PMed you, I did notice you projecting a bit onto me, and being too trusting. This made me think you would settle for anyone, rather than who the person was, and some compliment you gave me at the time (though I realise you weren't after anything with me) meant nothing. Perhaps this might be how you come across to other women in your life.

Having said that, I was glad you liked my honesty and preciseness. Not many people appreciate that about me.

Good to hear from you again smudge. Yes, I am a bit too trusting and I won't deny that. While I am obviously not going to divulge what we talked about if you lived in Canada I would not have been so sharing. I'm not sure what you mean by projecting onto you as I am not aware of that: if you want to PM to discuss further I would appreciate it.

It's very interesting you would make a comment about settling for anyone because the #1 thing people have told me is that I am the opposite: I am way too fussy and have too high standards. I like to think I have relaxed them a bit but there are a number of things I will accept in a friend but not in a partner (smoking, visible tattoos, body piercings, etc). It does seem that my compliments always seem to be downplayed (in real life) and that cuts deep because I am generally very stingy with compliments and usually take a long time to work up the courage to say them. I did tell the last two girls I dated they were beautiful inside and out because as far as I'm concerned, they both are. When they both tried to downplay my honest, heartful statements, I felt humiliated.

Hey.

I got your PM. It may take me a week or so to compose a proper response, but I will. I need to get to a computer that makes editing easier.

I would recommend you stay out of the L&D forum meanwhile. It is just so...stagnant.

I can't help myself.... I am a sucker for punishment That's why I decided to post this question in the Women's forum. Again, as strange as it sounds this is one area where I feel very comfortable in and seem to get well thought out answers to my female-related questions. Take your time and I look forward to hearing what else the good Women of WP have to say.

So you're in Canada eh? Anywhere near Kingston?

are you interested in brutal honesty or feel-good 'comforting' from the supposedly 'caring gender' here? I can't provide the latter, but if you're actually interested I can do the former.

Remember it is the exception not the norm to find true love. If you ever find it at all. I've found a few I thought were, but turned out to be infatuation. True love is very rare and I think quite a lot of us never find it. I personally believe it to be myth and am working on being able to survive without a partner.

(That's not to say I would reject one for this reason; it just seems the practical course..)

Of course I want honesty. I desire a relationship and am increasingly frustrated as to why someone like myself who has so much going for him is so unsuccessful. I do not consider women to be the "caring gender' anymore than men are the "tough gender" it just is what it is in my case.

androbot01: Nowhere near Kingston unfortunately.

Ok, here's one gen-xer's take on your OP then.

Men who use the term 'Ladies' tend to see women as a class distinctly separate from men, as opposed to slightly different members of the same species; it also conveys a sense that women are obligated to behave in socially prescribed ways in order to be respected.


2nd red flag. No one is "perfect." Being put on a pedestal just means that you have further to fall when the other person realizes that you're human.


Good basis for a friendship. Not necessarily romance.


See above.


This means that she does not want to see you because you're making her uncomfortable, but either does not want to hurt your feelings (ie, hopes that in her absence you'll find someone else and shift your romantic attention away from her) or she's afraid that you'll explode irrationally if she puts her foot down. Which is, unfortunately, quite common in this sort of situation.


No. "I don't feel that way" =/= "I want to take it slow." It means that she is not interested in a sexual relationship with you, ever, unless she's actually a manipulative b***h. In either case, you should give up on her if you want to keep your sanity.

What? You wanted to "respect her wishes" that something happen between you (because she was "developing feelings") by doing nothing? Or were you not actually sure that she was developing feelings? Sounds kind of passive-aggressive.


"friend-zoned" is just a sour-grapes term for "I like somebody more than they like me." It happens to women, too. If all you want is sex, then find women who just want sex; if you want a real relationship, then find a woman who wants a real relationship with *you.* Women aren't interchangeable any more than men are, and if a particular woman likes jocks, or likes tall-dark-and-handsome, or likes golden boys, or likes whatever it is that you are not, it means that *she's not the one for you.* Because vice-versa.

That said, if you are *really* attracted to a woman, FFS don't just follow her around like a puppy and hope she notices. The term women have for men who don't appear interested in a relationship, even friends, is "He's just not that in to you." Invite her out, and even if you both expect her to pay her own way, use the word "date." If she says no, accept it gracefully and move on. Is it really so terrible to have friends? My AS is so bad that I basically don't have any, male or female. Count yourself lucky.

LKL, you make good points about him being too needy and invasive, but seriously? Calling women "ladies" is degrading? I think you are reading a bit too much into this guy's actual beliefs about women.

But yes, I think that anyone - male or female - can easily fall into the trap of putting someone on a pedestal. I think we as a species become needy and desperate for a relationship (other than for the propagation of the human race) is because many of us put way too much stock into it. And rejection hurts - I mean PHYSICALLY hurts. We're a social species and when others reject us socially, romantically, etc, it can make us feel insecure or worthless. We need to be able to form social groups and have a certain level of emotional intimacy (not necessarily sexual) to have good mental health. Isolation can even be deadly, so I don't blame people for being desperate sometimes. Still, nobody owes you their companionship, platonically or romantically.

I don't think the problem is that you aren't masculine enough, Gianthockeyfan. I think the problem is that you need to find self worth internally. Which, trust me, I know is hard, but people with a stable self esteem tend to not only fare better in relationships but also aren't so damaged if they get rejected. I think if you are blunt with people and ask others to be blunt with you, then you will know which girls just want to stay friends and which girls actually want to have a serious relationship with you. But I think that you probably need friends more than a lover right now.

Thank you for the insightful comments. I am painfully aware I have become needy and do not like it one bit. As I have made clear I know my self-esteem was trashed during my teenage years and I am still dealing with it to this day. I was also beaten up for being "gay" so I became paranoid about being near girls. You are right it is hard because the "you are awful" statement is written on my internal chalkboard in permanent marker.

I do try to be blunt but I have also been told I "say too much". Considering I have seen guys order women around, objectify them and get plenty of dates I am not so sure about it. Besides Its not like I talk about BDSM or my (lack of) sex history. I was invited to meet someone new in a group activity on Sunday and the person inviting me suggested I form a friendship first and see what happens from there. As usual women take to me instantly but they are usually married or engaged. It's nice to hear from married women what a catch I am but it's also hard to realize that I still cannot seem to figure out the dating game.

I have also started going to every social event I am invited to even if *gasp* that means missing a hockey game! The invitations are rare but my social circle is expanding. I just wish more people could see what a loyal and caring friend I can be and that could lead to making one special woman VERY happy. Perhaps it is just a case of needing to learn patience and wait for the seeds I have planted over the summer to sprout.

When I was younger I had more girls as friends than boys and got ridiculed and thought of as gay so things changed over time and I dis associated with most women after and evened things out abit.

MindBlind

I also tend to get that impression of men who use the word "Ladies" - whether you mean it that way or not, that's the way it comes off.

There's nothing wrong with the word 'lady' or 'ladies,' but every man I've ever heard using it has turned out to be a sexist douche who only respects women if they toe the line.