My dark past is creeping up to me. WARNING: Serious stuff

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I really hate that my life is on hard mode. I have been dealing with serious issues in my life and it's always from the trauma in the past. My autism makes it so I remember almost every event in my life. good and bad. I remember from past traumatic feelings. I am not too inclined to take pharmacuticals because of the nasty side effects. I post on social media sites of how I feel, and get no response. I believe people don't know what to say.

Life story: My mom died when I was 3, and I had a tough time getting along with women growing up. growing up, I was abused by 2 women age 9-11. Verbally and Physically. I was so angry later I wanted to kill them, but knew I couldn't. Gender roles in our society are to blame on this. Men are told to suck it up when they are hurt, and women are just sugar coated with the problem, which I noticed adult women acting like their child selves. This is still an issue, but now I have PTSD, and I blame myself because I could had better judgement. 2 years ago I attempted suicide because my ex-stepsister scared me almost kicking me out to the streets. Long story: I used to feel sorry for myself for being autistic. I have been loved, but I don't feel loved enough. I am really messed up. I am not religous.

The doctors aren't doing to much good, so I'm escaping to meditation, but I feel that I am going to be alone forever. I lucid dream my next life being 1000x better because my whole brain is hardwired to be negative.

and now, girls at work are chasing me, I'm 27, and I still can't handle them. I rather be single and keep to myself and hang out only with my anime

I am stuck with overthinking, and trying to go off pot to help myself with meditation. This is not easy. I thought it would be ok, but I am in a lot of pain, and am taking it like I am going to die tomorrow (not by suicide either, but

I only get 40 minute sessions with my therapist every 3 weeks with my insurance and that's not enough.

My life is too busy with work, and working on my hopes and dreams.

My dad and stepmom live out in the middle of nowhere where there is nothing to do, and I fear change still and they will drive me nuts.

I have always been discontent with my life. I'm trapped.

I'm 27, and I felt my 20's are shot. Oh well, my 30's will be better now that I learned from the past, but still depressed I missed out on social fun because of my autism.

I was taking seroquel, but that makes my brain a marshmellow.

I choose to go my own way now and feel I'm better off without women in my life because of my PTSD, inability to get a GF, without the proper nuturing.

I am considering changing my gender to a woman because I feel effeminate.

On the positive side:

I live by myself and wouldn't want it any other way because of my sensory issues.

I can be as loud as I want and outburst and have tantrum problems. (but I don't do that anymore).

By living by myself I can stay true to myself. (I don't want to let anyone know anything about me).

I have a few friends that have the same feelings and I can keep my world small. 1-2 friends
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In short words: my brain is f***ed up, and I'm still struggling to recover.

You've been through a lot. It sounds like you have not had a very good life. Far from it. LIke you, I only really have one friend, but he is older than me and I desire to get friends my own way, but I struggle and will now with my anxiety attacks. I find it hard to be in line to use a self service machine in a shop without feeling flushed and ready to run off.

I too feel lonely, like nobody arond me gives a toss unless money is involved and I too wonder what my purpose is.

I also know how you feel about privacy. I have sometimes told people something and they have took it wrong. So then I wind up wishing I had not said anything. I feel I cannot trust anybody. Especially as far as legal issues go (was dobbed in by my mother to Edinburgh police).

Maybe a girlfriend is what you need; I know I would like to share my life with that special someone (wherever she is).

I was in jail last month over two support workers, so I know how you feel about life sucking.

I have 0 friends, live with my mother, and haven't talked to woman my age in months. But I live a happy life at the moment, although there are many things I miss.
You have to make it positive.

What are you dreams and pleasures? Seek them, if possible. It will all make it a lot better.
I believe what you need is people. People who care about you. I'm sure there are. Spend more time with your friends, tell them what's bothering you. Express your feelings to people.
Explain to your therapist what you have told us here. Maybe you're not telling him what you should tell him?
Meditation is indeed a good thing. It can empty your brain. You shouldn't overthink everything.
You're 27. Your life is full of opportunities. Use them.
If living alone makes you happy, go ahead. But human kind is not meant to live alone. We are all depending on each other.
So go outside sometimes, meet people. Try to make friends at work. Or start chatting with people on the internet.
Communication is key.
A girlfriend IS what you need . But it shouldn't be forced. It has to happen to you. And that comes with time.

Remember, never give up!

Well, a girlfriend or boyfriend does not complete you. But having one half completes you. Your other half. As they call her or him.

Holy smokes its dejavuu all over again.

That is also an issue. I learned some good and dark traits, but today was the day of understanding.

To generalize what to tell my therapist if that helps: (so I had this part left unposted until now, and I forgot on what I have to say).

Relationships definitely don't complete anyone. A good one will offer mutual love and support, but I think the phrase "the other half" relates to a sense of teamwork--not of yourself.

Try to let the past inform your life, but not control it. Everyone has learned behavioral patterns, but recognizing them can be a big step in setting them aside.

I know that feeling of not wanting to let people get close. Medication has helped me a lot, and I hope you find what works for you. Isolation can be soothing, but it's also very limiting in some ways.

Good luck to you...

If not this life that I can prosper, then in the next life I may. At least I have fun dreaming of a better next life if my current one will suck. It gives this weird empty indifferent feeling. Lost motivation to do something as I am finding myself a "thinker" and a opinion person. You can't convey wisdom, but you can certainly learn a positive path. I stick with simple phrases like "The best things in life are free". I cry, but at least it makes me feel like a person and trying to find someone to appreciate me for who I am and respect me in the way I want to for who I am. That's why I'm staying single. Being a nobody is awesome because I can better myself on my own with some thinking outside the box. I can be an example to post stuff like this to help with the autism community to improve their self esteem, because I want to and free will just allows it. I know there are ways to control people but I do realize that I can choose whether to be controlled or not.

P.S. There has been a great increase for the people with autism. I'll be more happier to see the world having to change hypothetically speaking the population with those with autism could be 20-30% by 2040 if we survive still. So, humanity will need to adapt to the creativity, because suicide causes/death/killing is wrong. I guess in the mean time, I'll try to have fun for the rest of my life discovering/thinking stuff and applying stuff. (note: still alive to post this).

<hugs> I don't believe a single person is a nobody, but I recognize that society says otherwise. Those are the shrillest and shallowest--worshiping status and money over anything else.

From that statement it seems people on this community do recognize things, even if they say but not act on things. We still have gender issues, money issues, political issues, legal issues, but theres groups trying to fix that. I can always read but pick and choose what to believe. Getting along and accepting people with AS instead of stigmatizing it as a disease will be more neccesary in the future especially if more children get it.

I don't think AS is a "disease" per se. I believe it's a "difference."

The best way to deal with it is to embrace the strengths which result from it, while always working to mitigate and expunge the weaknesses.

I think when people know you are disabled or feel like you are, they are more inclined to bully or abuse you.

I've had more than just girls do this to me.

I'm so sorry that you I have been through so much in your life. I too have suffered abuse in my case it was at the hands of my step grandfather so I have never experienced the same gender bias you describe. Although I can tell you that females endure damage from gender stereotypes also just in a different way. For example with me I didn't say anything because I thought it was my role as a girl. Just know that there are people out there that know how ridiculous and damaging it is to force people into a stereotype box. And that what happened wasn't your fault and those women are vile excuses of humanity that should have known better.

I too have the same problem of remembering everything, like watching a video play back. Sometimes it helps to practice mindful breathing. Try googling it, it is literally just concentrating on your breath to block everything else out.

I won't lie and tell you that things go away but you do learn to find coping strategies that will help so it's not so encompassing and you can change your thought patterns more quickly. Also you learn to recognise your triggers so you can act to stop something becoming worse. I also like to think when I'm feeling down that my insight because of what I've been through can help someone else feel less alone.

Also my partner is transgender so i have some experience of gender identity if you want to talk about that.

With all the bull crap going on in my life as well, I often question whether I really have a future. I have seen an unhealthy progression. Now I find it hard to go in a shop without getting that fight-or-flight response kicking in. I just go in Tesco to get a few things and use a self-service machine to pay on the way out, then I feel hot and like I am about to panic. Sometimes, I narrowly just put up with it, rather feeling like I want to drop everything and run away. This is why I doubt I can get a social life and manage both that, and the horrible anxiety.

I really cannot stand being around groups of people any more. I could not perform in front of people as part of a drama group or give a speech. I did so prior to a panic attack I had in 2009. I even find myself taken quiet side lanes and streets, which I find is odd. Anything to "escape" from the thought of being embarrassed. Maybe this all stems from prior incidents and how they affected me.

I find bananas help. Anyone know why?