don't know if I want friends

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I have always been more or less uncomfortable with people. But lately it feels like I've been alone for so many years now that I've become more used to it. I kind of prefer being alone, and being somewhat of a people hater. For one thing I am quite an otherworldly person, and when I'm with people I feel like it sucks me down to the earthly, it feels perverted. I have met some of my workmates a few times and sometimes I enjoyed it. But a lot of times it was just a lot of disappointments or I felt very uncomfortable.

Today I met a former workmate on the bus and we talked. He said that I can call him this weekend if I want to hang out. I really don't know what to do. I was planning to spend the weekend in my gloomy loneliness as usual. His invite makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know if I want to call him and meet him or not. I see him every once in a while on the bus or in town.

thoughts?

this happens with me too, not sure why.

anyway, maybe you could hang out with him somewhere where it would be easy to leave if you start feeling uncomfortable or you could go to a movie theater or something that way you dont have to interact as much? but if it makes you feel uncomfortable that he even invited you maybe that means you don't want to hang out. it could go bad or it could go good. maybe it could ease your gloomy loneliness or maybe it will throw you into further pits of despair

do you enjoy talking to him when you see him every once in a while?

I said gloomy loneliness, but it's like I like the dark empty gloominess.

I enjoy talking to him somewhat. But I usually feel like I don't enjoy talking to people so much, except at work I do enjoy to talk a bit with my workmates.

I'm also not sure why it feels perverted. I have been thinking about that a lot. I have some hypotheses but no well thought-out theory.

ah, i see. i alternate between liking the gloomy loneliness and slightly less liking it myself. since you enjoy talking with him somewhat...well myself i wouldn't go, but maybe you will enjoy it somewhat.

would you share some of your hypothesis? i have a hard time coming up with ideas unless someone else gives me word starting points, and this is something i am interested in understanding better.

you should try, sometimes you regret more the things that you didnt do than the ones you did. Even if it goes bad, you will not have the eternal doubt of what would have happen if.
In my case, i enjoy the freedom of loneliness, but for some reason i have the emotional need to relate to people.

The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli





Bosses earn more than the employees. Women are usually attracted to this kind of men. Being popular, having power and being rich are all connected. And just being well-adjusted too.

Nice guys don't get any women, nor do they become bosses. For those kinds of things you have to be unscrupulous, not virtuous. Thus the perversion.

When just meeting a few people the same thing happens. You alter your own behavior and mind to make yourself a little bit more like the unscrupulous person, a little less the virtuous.

The more friends, the more shallow, and perverted.

ah, interesting. i will look in 'the prince' by niccolo machiavelli.

as for your other thoughts, while i agree that being popular, rich and having power are connected, i disagree with your other thoughts. but, it does give me a starting point so thank you for sharing.

I mean you no disrespect, but everything about the nature of the teacher you've quoted counters the very notion that spending time around others will pervert your spirit. Jesus swam through, and showed love to the imperfect hearts he went out to... but he remained just as sweet, untainted and loving even as they turned on or abandoned him, spat vile words and saliva in his face, tossed dice over his meager possessions to show truly just how much they valued his life, and then even as they ultimately bled him dry. A heart cannot be stained ugly unless one willingly primes their heart to embrace that stain... just as the fish that one might prepare for the dinner table won't taste of the ocean that it spent it's entire life submerged in unless they season it salty themselves.

Edit: Edited a few terms for clarity of intended meaning.

It's not an issue of want...

Friends are useful, even if you don't want them you will find repeatedly throughout life that you need them.

I really don't know. I think about it. For one thing I think there's a difference between encountering people and hanging out with people. You don't get a lot of friends by being very kind and humble, you get walked over. Which is just what happened to Jesus, as you pointed out. If Jesus had wanted to avoid that treatment, he would have had to pervert himself. Which was my point.

That's a good point. I have been thinking about that. However, I still don't know if I want them, taking the potential future need into account. Only time will tell what problems I will get into because of not having any friends.

I have always had very few friends or no friends at all. I think a lot of times it has been what can be seen as self-inflicted, some form of paranoia, or sensitivity, or inability to love or forgive, although a lot of times it has been ostracization, although that too might often have been a reaction to behavior on my part such as those things I listed. I would guess a lot of people on this forum have had a similar experience.

He said I could call him tomorrow, but I think I'm not going to call him. I don't know what to say if he asks why I didn't call though.