never his fault, can't be wrong, denies ever saying things,

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This post rings many bells for me as well. I'm sorry.

Two things that come to mind:
1. He's probably embarrassed by not being able to do normal things, and as such gets defensive when you confront. With my husband, I'm 99.999% sure that he doesn't believe the stuff he's telling me (e.g. "you never said that", "I didn't hear you", etc.), but he's desperately hoping that I will believe, so I won't think he's quite so stupid. That's my take on it anyway. The only "solution" (it's not really a solution) that I know of is to not confront. I know it's hard sometimes because it's so frustrating, but if you remind yourself that he didn't screw up on purpose, try to treat it like that. I find that taking that attitude reduces the denying with my husband anyway.

2. Is it possible that you actually didn't tell him? Sometimes I think I told mine something and then I realise that I actually didn't- I just assumed it was obvious with everything else that was said. One of our first fights was over something like this. I asked him to "take out the garbage". Where we live, the garbage and the recycling go together, so we always put them out together. As such, I thought it was OBVIOUS that I wanted him to take out the recycling too. He didn't. I was mad. He said, "You told me to put out the garbage!" Then I was even madder, because I thought he was just being a jerk. But I realised from his behaviour and such that he honestly didn't think of putting out the recycling, because in his mind he was on a mission: "take out the garbage".

Same. I've suggested it to him but nooooooooo.



I don't know what it's like to have AS, but I know as an NT, that it's hard to have no emotional support. Life sucks sometimes and you can never fix everything, so therefore, you need emotional support... a romantic partner is supposed to be that.

WelcometoHolland

I suppose that's one way of looking at it. I am never sure that when my husband says "You never told me that..." if he really believes it or not, whether he is reporting on his memory of events or whether it is gaslighting (intentional or not). Either way it's an unsettling situation to be basically called a liar over a minor event.

This is primarily a support site for people with autism.
There are a lot of nice, intelligent autistic people here who will happily try to help you communicate better with your husband.
If you just want to vent about him, it's really not a place for that. That just hurts the feelings of a lot of good folks who come here to feel better.

Elklan- I'm sure it is. My husband is actually a really nice guy though- and he is open to hearing me tell him how that makes me feel (in fact, things go better if I just tell him that I don't like something rather than assume he'll notice, because he probably won't and he doesn't like not knowing)... so it's easier for me to rationalise it than if he was just a jerk. If your husband is making you feel horrible all the time and doesn't care, then maybe he just is a jerk (and before anyone freaks out: I'm not saying that everyone with AS is a jerk; I am saying it's possible to have AS and be a jerk). If he's just a jerk then this could be part of the jerk shtick too... It really depends on your marriage and the person you're married to- I was just offering an alternative POV.

Hi - I really dislike conflict, I do hope you guys can work things out. I would think it awesome it your husband could feel better as much as I wish it for you also.
It's early days, now that you guys have more information about what makes your husband tic, you may have turned a corner, things may get better than ever...who knows? Knowledge is key. He might be different Neurologically to yourself but I'll bet he will have strengths that are unique that could benefit you both. Please leave the door open for him to communicate with you and let him know you are approachable. I do suspect, from my non professional background, that he has shut down, he seems too tired to explore what went wrong. Why does he feel that way? He said/she said communication(you said you gave instructions, he said you didn't) is never productive to moving forward. It doesn't solve anything. Also, anger can often mask depression..just saying as a suggestion.

+1 for the executive dysfunction suggestions

As a point of difference here, may I suggest that sometimes, no-one is either right or wrong. Is there any compromise, where you can both look at each other and say, well that didn't go so well? RE-Banking

Things add up, I know how it can be overwhelming. Could you ask yourself how bad the individual problems are as they arise and compare them to place them into perspective? Example..compared to having cancer, how bad is it that the banking was done not as was needed?

Are you trying different approaches to the problems?
I think Einstein said - the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.

Also, I'm not sure where the reference is, though I am pretty sure Prof Tony Attwood(look him up) has stated that you can yell/scream at an "aspie" but it isn't how he/she learns, so it just won't change the behavior. I would agree that using emotion to describe things to me don't work well. I respond better to the facts, just the plain facts!
Those on the spectrum may value and respond to logic very well, maybe try getting jobs done this way..
"The money needs to go to two different places, can you only bank $150(or whatever the amount)"
This statement also means that he is only hearing one figure to associate with when he reaches the bank.

Work on your strengths and compromise on the workload so it is suited best to each person. Try beginning sentences with "I feel" so it shows that your ideas are coming from your perspective.
Just my 2 cents, good luck.

Think the OP has been redirected via PM to ASPartners.

I can only really speak for myself Gracie.

I have AS and ADHD and I'm an absolute desaster where it comes to verbal instructions. Even if someone asks me something at work (and it might be an important something) I only half hear them and just respond with "yes" most of the time. Anything for a quiet life!

This does sometimes lead to more confusion with other staff members and managers, because I've agreed to something that I can't even remember.

I also can get written instructions mixed up too. I think it's because I read what is written down but what registers in my brain is a completely different thing all together.

I don't get frustrated by it, however I think it might make other people scratch their heads.

When I was younger though, it did make me very under confident as a person.

Also, I would like to ask a question. You said you had been together for 17 years. Is it only since the diagnosis that you feel like leaving him or has this been simmering for years?

You could try some things to make it easier for him.

If he has an issue dealing with people, instead of asking him to go to the bank to deposit a check why don't you ask him to deposit the check with the bank's mobile deposit app at home and then use an ATM to withdraw the cash? I don't see the point in waiting in line at a bank to do something that can be done at an ATM in a fraction of the time and won't require any interaction.

Confused why he would have a problem with you writing down a list of things. Married people write lists for each other all the time (groceries, etc). Makes it easier. . .

What? Lets hope not, they will destroy her marriage.

It signals lack of trust, which in this case is justified, but that might just make it worse. It says "I know that if I don't make a list, you'll screw up this incredibly simple thing, because you often do." Unfortunately she does need him to actually take care of some of these things, but his ego issue combined with his executive-function issue is making this very difficult. She has kids and works, and can't spend a half-hour each time gentling him through a task.

It also sounds like the physical/online thing isn't the issue. It's that he messes up what's supposed to happen. Deposit $200, take out $50 turns into something else.

No No No. Directing a person who has problems with one person who might have Aspergers to a site that disparages all "Aspies" and stereotypes us with non autistic traits such as manipulative makes an already bad situation worse.

Then where should she go? She's been told not to vent here because it might make people feel bad. She's received some constructive suggestions, but the first post to her was basically "you might just be making this up" without any expressed empathy.

Most of what you are describing here is really more indicative of ADHD than Asperger's. (I know you said ADD but really it is the same thing as ADHD). I mean I'm sure both conditions are a factor in his behavior but I believe for now you may get a more immediate understanding from researching ADHD.

The caveat I want to give though is that there is a LOT of misinformation out there about ADHD. It is much more than an "attention disorder."

You need to go to the right sources to really get an understanding of what is going on. Russell Barkley is one of the best and some of his lectures are available on youtube. I strongly recommend you listen to them.

Re: the rage, this excerpt is most pertinent
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cw8jHUkHiA

and this one
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qguNB4b36Vo

When a person has lived with a disorder well into adulthood without knowing about it, this is a HUGE thing to come to terms with. People develop their own coping strategies when they don't understand what is wrong and one of those can be to deny the problem.

It's very common for people with ADHD to have trouble with verbal instructions, or instructions in general. Imagine living a lifetime not understanding this, making mistakes and having people confront you when you have no idea that you did something wrong. Please try to keep that in perspective with the mistake itself. Some mistakes are not worth getting upset over...and for the ones that are too important to screw up, don't leave it open to that.

Lots of times people with ADHD are truly unaware that they have been told something. Sometimes a person says something to me, and I am probably looking right at them and nodding my head, but my mind is actually somewhere else and I don't even realize it. So later if the person says, "I told you such-and-such" I quite honestly have no recollection of ever hearing it said.