First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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Thank you all so much!! ! I really appreciate your responses. It's giving me some hope.
And it's not about me wanting him to have friends when he doesn't want them. He wants friends but just doesn't know how to go about making or keeping them.......that's the problem. It's ridiculous to force someone to have friends who doesn't want them. It's difficult for me to be all to him, you know? I can't handle all the roles he expects me to fulfill. I need to take care of myself too.
So happy to hear that some of you here are willing and going to therapy. I guess that's what's needed here: individual or group therapy.
Has there been any particular type of therapy that any of you have found most helpful? Any neurological therapies out there? Since it's about wiring.
Again, thank you all for your inputs!

I think its important for you to understand that your husband's aspergers cant be cured. See if there are any special interest groups or meetups in your area that might interest him. See if there are group therapy sessions that might help him. He might make friends at either of those. You'll have to coach him on making friends if he doesn't know how.

My wife does not understand. I even gave her a blind test where she answered all the questions about me and did not know it was an Asperger's test until the end. After the positive result, she is still angry thinking that I made all this up. How do I get through to her? We have only been married a couple of years but it makes me very sad that she thinks I am just being a jerk.

Can you ask her what she wants next time she seems angry and really listen to her, making sure she understands this is an invitation to express what would make her happy concretely in the future, not to trash you? If she has hope for getting what she needs, just like when you have hope, it's easier. Aspergers doesn't go away, but I believe we can learn to understand and support another person.....never thought I had in me what I've found and learned because I want to give to my children. Know it's kind of different, just don't agree with the "AS is hopeless in relationships" philosophy. Know some subscribe to it though.

Thank you for responding. That is good advice and I do that. She has no problem telling me what she wants. She wants me to cure myself. All she knows about Asperger's is what she saw on a sit-com. I have asked her to simply learn a little bit more about it and she says she knows all about it. She says that IF I really do have Asperger's, I just need to try harder to learn to see what most other people see. This would require the memorization and catagorizing of uncountable nuances of non-verbal communication that most people just get. It is a muddy mountain that I have been trying to gain alttitude on my whole life. How do I help her understand that this just is not possible?

I don't know if this would fit and am female, maybe that is an issue in what seems appropriate to me.

That said, I would say something like that I am sorry I see she does not seem happy, what right now would she like me to do or what is it today that she is missing and wishes for? I feel that asking you to cure yourself makes no sense, she fell in love with YOU, right? So even if it were possible, I would not want to let us talk about cures because I'm not able to make sense of how that's a solution. She wants you to enjoy something with her, or be calmer, she maybe is disappointed about something. I would ask about that and hope we could have a productive discussion. It might or might not be possible, you can only listen and try. But asking you to be different.....she fell in love with you. It needs to be more practical to make change happen if that's what you both want.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to talk with me. You have given me a lot to think about and I will try this approach in hope of opening up a discussion. As far as who she fell in love with goes, I honestly don't know. I was drunk for about ten years (don't remember most of it), made a lot of money printing credit cards, bought some land, got married and then decided to get myself in order when my daughter was born. I have been sober almost two years and now I am trying to put all the pieces back together. I don't know if alcohol masked my ASD or not but she just cannot accept it now. I surely gave her better reasons to be angry with me from my blanked-out period and there may be residual resentment from that. Or, maybe she IS disappointed. Perhaps, she thought that when I got sober, a normal man would emerge and that is when I dicovered I was an Aspie. I guess what I am trying to do here is find out is how to best offer the information about ASD to someone who has a difficult time accepting the fact that they married one.

If she is angry about anything related to an asperger label, than even though you consider it to fit, can you tolerate skipping labels and just being you with her? I think my response to this would depend on three (at least) things. First there is worry about children puts parents into an agitated, self blaming frame of mind. If there are any worries about your daughter possibly inheriting ASD or, for that matter, any serious worries about her right now, your wife may just need to reject one more problem she feels she must deal with, and in fact if you have ASD that isn't one more problem (as it was always there, it just seems new) so in that instance I would low key the label, out of kindness to both of you, until things straightened out.

Secondly, there's the issue of whether she's comfortable using labels. Has she matter of factly referred to your alcoholism, or did/does she avoid the term?

Third, like attracts like sometimes. Look up how girls and women with ASDs appear to others. For yourself, DO NOT use the term on her, not now anyway!! Then just consider whether if you push this issue about yourself, does it relate to her, would it force her to consider labeling herself? It is unkind for her to reject who you are deep inside, as you think about this issue, but deeper still, you are both people, both deserve dignity and respect, including self respect. It would be wrong I think for you to push this if thinking about it is too much for her because to do so would force her into labeling herself and/or your child, if those things were factors, then she would IMO deserve the same time and space and acceptance you want for yourself. There is nothing wrong with asking her to respect for example you missing when she wants a hug and needing her to verbally tell you instead of using the ASD label.

This is how I feel, you may feel differently. I hope some of it may help you some.

Wow, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel like you should bill me for marriage counseling.

This morning, I got a notebook and sat down with her and did what you suggested as close as I could. I asked her what would she like to see happen and what can I do to help. I recieved three pages worth of information that I am trying to process as delicately as possible. Most of it is related to my feeble communication skills. She still says that IF I do have ADS, it is not a handicap and it is not a life long problem. She said people with Asperger's get therapy and become perfectly normal. There is no question in my mind that I am an Aspie, besides the four positive online test results, everything I read about it fits like my own skin. I feel that her ignorance of ASD is a large part of her frustrations with me and if I could get her to read only one page of ASD information, she too will see the roadmap of precisely how and why I am different than most people.

To address the one, two, three:
1. I did not consider the child to be a factor. I can now see where this could play a role here.

2. No, she never refered to me as an alchoholic. She would say things like, "When you drink, it makes me uncomfortable." I will look for the absence of lables in other areas too. You may be right on this also.

3. Is she an Aspie? This one will require much more thought.

You have much wisdom and knowlege. Words cannot express my gratitude for your time. It feels like I was lost in the woods and you pointed to a path. Thank you so very much. I do not want to take your time. I do not understand why you are helping me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Anachron
noun
an error in chronology in which a person, object, event, etc., is assigned a date or period other than the correct one

[
I think its important for you to understand that your husband's aspergers cant be cured. See if there are any special interest groups or meetups in your area that might interest him. See if there are group therapy sessions that might help him. He might make friends at either of those. You'll have to coach him on making friends if he doesn't know how.[/quote]


Thank you for your reply. Do you have ASD mistersprinkles? You were able to read between the lines and get my implication i.e. my hope for him to be cured!! Now, I'm even more confused about ASD and what that really means and looks like! He won't attend any groups. He says 'they are stupid and I don't need anything like that'. So I guess there's nothing I can do.
I was reading the post about Anachron and realized how he has the exact opposite problem I have. I guess it is what it is and I have to find a way to live with it and be okay. Can't force/change anyone when they don't want to and let them have their own feelings/thoughts/way of being and also the consequences of these.
Thanks again for your response.

Oooops.......I just posted and realized I did the quotes wrong. I didn't want to quote the whole paragraph. How would I just quote a sentence or two?
Anyway, sorry if my last post sounds confusing. The first part is a quote from someone else's reply.

Anachron I am glad what I wrote helped you some, very glad. I wrote because often I feel alone, often I feel afraid and confused and helpless, and if sharing some of what I have learned helps someone, I am glad to do that.

And I wrote because when I am sad and confused and afraid, people here have written back and shared much and given me great compassion and love that has helped me.

And Confused, ASDs are not curable, but it is a myth that people on the spectrum can't understand or show concern for others. You may be confused reading here because that becomes obvious, not all the time, but sometimes, and even when someone is mean, it's not much different than anywhere else. Learning is possible, and so is love, but with the somewhat controversial exception that some children may possibly not continue to be diagnosed with ASD as they get older, it's not curable. Also I don't know any other way to edit than to quote and delete the section I am not including. Others may.

Waterfalls, it sounds like by helping me, we may have helped Confused2015 gain a little more understanding.

Confused2015, I used to lie about my favorite color because Purple was for girls, so I was told. The lie did not change the truth. You cannot make a Dandelion out of a Lotus flower, even if Dandelions far out number them or are more popular. So everybody is driving Chevy's and you got a Studebacker. Love and be proud of your quirky car. It makes you kind of special to have an Aspie in your life. Try to look at the bright side.

Thank you both for your replies!! I AM learning here and that is what I was hoping by coming to this site. I am seeing you all be so kind and helpful and insightful!! There are so many misconceptions out there about ASD. It's hard to know what's what unless you actually meet or are around people who know they have it, accepted it, and are actually living a full life. You all seem to have come to terms and are actually helping others (like me) so I am truly grateful. Unfortunately, my husband has not yet. But again, I can't make him. He is an adult and gets to decide how he wants to live.
I will continue to read, seek more insight, and ask more questions........some might be stupid so I apologize in advance.

As an Aspie I hate hate people looking at me. I do not take pictures because I have to have at least 50 before I can pick one that is acceptable. How do you tell what people are thinking when they are just staring at you. I feel like a hideous monster. Even if I spend 2 hours doing hair and makeup and wardrobe...I feel like people are looking at me because I really look like a clown and they stare because I am not attractive but I look like I gave it a try and they feel sorry for me. So often I'm extremely uncomfortable and when people compliment me i think it's a lie. Pictures always tell the truth and I can't figure out which do I look like...is it what I see in the mirror or on pictures Because they look completely different. I know NTs like to lie to make others feel good so how is an Aspie supposed to know what's the truth and what people are looking at for real?

skyflower,

Step 1. Put all your photos and makeup in a box and hide it in a closet.
Step 2. Cover all your mirrors.
Step 3. Wait one week.
Spend some of the time looking at the way this changes how you feel.
If people ask questions, just tell them that you are pregnant with an eight-legged alien baby so that they will not think you are crazy for not wearing makeup.
By the end of the week, I think you will have a better grasp on who you truly are.

"I am no doctor, but I have taken lots of pills."
-Chipper