Dealing with violence towards siblings

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I dont know if this will help you but I have an 8 year old Aspie son and a 6 year year old Autie daughter. My son has suddenly developed a lot of anger issues. This is due to the fact that we moved and he is having troubles with some of the kids at school. Also I have been ill and we have not had our schedules in place for quite some time. The last straw was when my son tried to choke my daughter. I have never allowed my kids to hit each other. The only time my autie would hit was in extreme meltdown mode and we would simply remove her and give her sensory input like squeezes or just contain her to a small space where she couldnt hurt herself. Luckly this has stopped and she never reaches this point anymore. Recently we decided to implement a new discipline type method. We have tokens (you can use stones, toothpicks...anything) and we have two jars. When my kids do the things we want them to do. Pick up clothes, dishes, make bed, brush teeth, put on shoes, ect they get a token. When they do negative things like throw their clothes on the floor and not pick up, when my son yells when we ask him to turn off his game (after his time is up) then they loose a token. If they hit, push, bite or in anyway physically harm anyone they loose five tokens. Tokens are used for extra video game time for my son and they can also turn in for more time at the park or they can use them for toys or candy ect at the store, like money. My autie really does not understand the concept but loosing a token is a huge deal to her. Since your son is so worried about doing the "wrong" thing...maybe the loss of a token would work. I would not threaten him with a loss of a token during a meltdown though. Wait until later when he calms down if you chose to try this. Also make sure that you protect your daughter....grab her and protect her with your own body if you have to and tell your son that he is not allowed to hurt anyone, ever!
My daughter used to grab at peoples faces during meltdowns as well and as I said we would remove her or protect anyone she was fixated on.
Its just very important that you make him understand that harming other people is wrong....give him a stuffed animal to beat up or a pillow and try to teach him to use these things. Its ok to be angry, its not ok to hurt other people!
You may want to look up eardefenders for him to wear if you think he is being overwhelmed by noise....I also found some ear plugs that musicians wear that you can hear people talking but you can not hear background noise.
Anyway, good luck and I hope you can come up with a good solution because abuse is abuse even if he is only four!

just please remember that your first responsibility as a parent is to protect your children and that includes from each other as well. deal with the offending childs reasons and work on the issues second, protect the siblings first. your daughter will remember all the times she is attacked and it will change who she is. i know they probably love being together most of the time, just like my kids do. you have to weigh safety vs. being together. keep them close to you and in the same room where you can reach them easily when they are together. i learned this the hard way, my stepson freaked out and grabbed a blanket and tried to smother my youngest to death because he felt he should not have used a toy that step-son had proclaimed as his. just because it hasn't got that far at your house doesn't mean it won't. your son is already extremely violent and only one step away from causeing serious harm.

My son is quite mad over HotWheels cars too - they must be that brand - Matchbox just won't do! He had been begging for a large truck/transporter carry case for storing his cars in. So i finally bought him one as a gift - just a store brand one. And it was the wrong choice! He was excited at first. But then he looked at the 12 cars that came with the large transporter and realised that some just said "China" on the bottom, some just had a number, and others said "made in china" but they weren't ALL the same on the bottom of the car - nothing unifying like saying "HotWheels", which he found quite upsetting. i have to say, he only was interested in his present about less than 24 hours.

But I think rather than him never being attached to things, it's just that the object/brand/thing changes, so it's almost unpredictable what he is going to like next!

For a while he was really crazy about anything Toy Story - everywhere we went, if he saw something Toy Story - he begged for it, even would have a melt down over not getting things. So I ordered some Toy Story decorations to put on his cake for his 4th birthday. But before his birthday came he finally saw Toy Story 3 - and I have to say, the emotions/people in that film were just TOO much for him, and he's just about totally put off by it! He has no interest in it at all! So the toys, watch, shoes, etc that he liked before are just ignored! But I think it really was the emotional aspect of it. He liked Toy Story 2 a lot more - prefers the toys to be seen and people left out! People are sometimes just too much for him!



Good points there - thanks! Yes, I find it's best to try and change what they're doing before something bad happens! And hopefully his sister will soon be able to better understand that he thinks differently to her and try and help prevent some things. In a way, i hope that if we get a diagnosis for him (currently being assessed just now) that it might help her and others around to realise what is going on and why he acts the way he does. Doesn't always help, I'm sure - but to be able to put a name on it might give a bit of relief.

Just yesterday we had someone come to the door and in the house for a few minutes and my son always gets quite excited/stressed (lot of jumping up & down, running around, verbalising, or flapping) when someone gets here. Not sure exactly why, but I guess he feels a bit uneasy when someone enters his space. Anyway, he jumped on the kitchen counter, then lept off the counter with arms around my neck - hanging all 42+lbs of his weight around my neck, while I've got 8mo baby on my hip! And then starts grabbing and pulling my hair in a crazy way - not angry - just really like he was going mad or something! Have to say, I think the visitors wondered *what* in the world he was doing. And to be honest, I wondered too! So yeah, not sure why I mentioned that - but just having a proper diagnosis might help all of us - at least to explain why he acts the way he does - and hopefully get a bit more understanding from others.

I don't think I've tried a token system as such, but I know that reward charts were just *too* much for him. And the idea of a reward being in the future is really hard. He just cannot understand waiting, or time, etc and gets really confused. I've found his behaviour worse at times if he thought he had to do the right thing to get a postive mark/reward/prize/privledge. He gets really upset thinking about the time it will take and says things about it being hundreds of years etc. lol



We tell him MANY times a day about it being wrong to hurt people, but he ALWAYS replies that it's good to hurt them! It makes me think I'll never get it into him, but I don't give up - we still tell him it's wrong. And he's got a stretchy/squeezy centipede which he's been torturing instead of hurting his siblings - a few times! Well, mostly he goes for it *after* he's lashed out at someone. But I'm hoping that he's starting to get the idea and might soon think about hurting it before a real person! I'm sure everything takes time, so I'm not going to give up! In a calm moment he tells me that he thinks it's a very good idea to pinch/squeeze it instead of hurting his sibling (and he likes the idea), so IMHO, that's a step in the right direction! And I'm working on making his room a place he feels calm in, and trying to totally re-do it, so maybe it will help for him to have a quite place that he can enjoy being in!

I've thought of ear defenders but not tried them yet. I know he doesn't like people making fun of him (and gets violent when they do), so a bit worried what other children/friends might say to him if they see him wearing them. But at least might be helpful at home.

Thanks, and I appreciate your advice. I realise that you having had a serious incident know first hand what terrible things can happen. But I certainly realise that I must protect my children - even from their siblings. I guess up to a point, one knows that brothers and sisters fight at times growing up - and usually are none the worse for it. Just normal bickering and pushing, etc. And it's only in recent time that the violence has gotten worse....hence my message here to seek help and find out what has worked for others! I know we probably need professional advice about this, but at this point we're still waiting for a diagnosis...meaning therapy (if possible) is going to be rather down the road. So I thought the least i could do is see what other parents have done in these circumstances. and I've found the replies here most helpful.

At the moment I'm rather worried about what my 2yo son is doing to my 8mo baby. At times I worry if there is something not quite right with him - but of course, at this stage/age, I will just wait and see how he develops. But he can act out quite violently himself - but some of it is very obviously learned from his big brother. So it's hard to know what is really him, and what is picked up from his environment. And then it gets tricky to keep 4 children away from each othe so no one gets hurt!

But of course, not all days are bad - thankfully! My oldest 3 spent a happy afternoon together playing with Barbie dolls - and then turning the living room upside down with couch cushions everywhere! But they were all happy - and no one was hurting anyone. so that makes me happy - and makes life easier when they get along for a while.

My oldest (now 24) was like this so we made his reward immediate or the same day. I ran an in home day care for a short while (after sometime I could not stand the parents anymore...aspies should not run a day care LOL) and I had a lot of issues with one little boy and it was the same with him. At the end of the day I let the kids who did not get any X's pick something out of a big bowl that contained candy and little toys...I found a site that sells this type of thing and even sugar free candy http://www.giggletimetoys.com/ . Immediate reward might work better. Our psychologist for my older son also gave his teacher an idea to make a daily "report card" which would be a reward for trying hard....she never did it because she was a nasty b***h who wanted me to drug my child out of his mind instead of trying to help.....the late 80s and early 90s were not a good time to have a child with a mental illness, people still thought it was your fault (sometimes they still do). My son did not get diagnosed with bi polar until he was 12, they told me he was ADHD but he had far worse behaviors than an ADHD child. He could also be aggressive with his siblings, sometimes as soon as Id leave the room one of the girls would scream, I started dragging him around the house with me!....I wish I knew then what I know now but Ive talked about that enough on this board. My son is doing well right now, in spite of the hell he went through, so I am very proud of him and happy.

I was also thinking you could have something larger that he wants you could put up a picture of it so he has a visual....just dont make the time he has to earn it too long or make the prize too big.
Also rewards do not have to be tangible...it could be spending time alone with you....baking or playing a game...going to the park. Things like that...sometimes when there are siblings they really want time alone with you.

Grace
Our boys have a lot in common ! Matchbox cars are "dumb" at our house, it's HotWheels or nuthin'!
Mine is also really sensitive about his preception that people will make fun of him for something he is wearing. When we got the ear protectors for him we bought several pairs. At school the teacher left three pairs out where all the kids could reach them so it wasn't a stigma that only he was wearing them, the other kids would put them on too. Same thing at home, both boys will put them when Dad is mowing the lawn or if I'm running the vaccuum.
It sounds like he is making progress. Keep it up!