Bipolar/Aspergers support and chat thread

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Connexions emailed me asking me what I'm doing now. The answer to that being...errrrr nothing?

Now lets see...

Was unable to take exams last year due to taking an overdose after an argument with a friend in which I was informed that I did not "care about people" and ended up in hospital because of that. After that, I did not return. I almost ended up in hospital again this summer after contacting said person at three in the morning with paranoid rantings, and being convinced that people were spying on me through my sim card, and snapping it in half. Which I did again a few days ago. I'm gonna have to contact O2 and get hold of a new one at somepoint. I'm currently living at home with my parents and they're not exactly aware of that fact...but somehow, I just feel safer right now without one. Even taking it out the phone still made me paranoid. I've pissed everyone I know off. And paranoid ranted everything that happened to them on Facebook. Publicly. Again, in the middle of the night. So I'm in a state of "what the f**k is going on with me why the heck did I do this this is so embarrassing". And I'm getting tired, really. I just want a state of emotional, mood swing free peace for once. Like I used to have. Like the majority of people have. And don't seem to realize.

So I told them quite simply, that I was doing nothing, and that I was going through borderline/bipolar treatment. I suppose that wasn't what they were expecting, but to be quite frank, I do not care. I am sick. And I do not need people asking why I do not have a job. For f***s sake, I ended up in hospital. Am I supposed to bounce back to normal immediately after discharge? Am I supposed to just take my meds and hey ho, everything is going to be fine! I'm not f*****g doing anything with my life! I barely see people, I've pissed every single person I know off. Which is a great one for me. Really. f*****g great. Well done Elsie, you have pissed everyone you know off. That's a good one, even for you. And what's even better is that I barely remember how, and I was enjoying it at the time. I enjoy f*****g my life to pieces when I'm manic. It gives me a sense of exhileration, power. I feel powerful, controlling people at times. I'm on top of the world, I can do anything, and to f**k with the consequences. I mean, honestly, who gives a f**k when they're manic? no-one that's who. I once read a book where there was a drug that gave you the worlds best high (Similar to mania) but that would kill you after a week. You don't have to worry about the consequences of your actions because you won't be there to deal with them.

Meanwhile, we are. But we don't care. Manic, we don't care. And we always have to watch out for enough manic episode, whilst half-wishing another would come because it felt so good being powerful and anythings better than feeling so sh***y you want to stick your head in the oven but can't because you can't even move and get out of bed that morning. Which is how it has been today. I have done the grand total of...nothing. Except sitting in bed. On the Internet. And playing SWTOR. Which is a great way to spend my life, I suppose, but that's how I feel. f**k, I don't have the energy to get better. That's gonna be the problem.

And I f*****g hate my meds. I hate the side effects. And of course, I actually forget to take them when I'm depressed, due to this lovely "I don't give a f**k" mindset I get into. I also forget to eat. So now I have the doctors asking if I do in fact, have an eating disorder, whilst seeing all this Thin Privilige BS over Tumblr that my following keep reblogging onto my dash. (http://thisisthinprivilege.tumblr.com/). Or white privilige. God, I'm a skinny, probably underweight even, white British eighteen year old and so of course, my life is totally free of all problems. They're apparently trivial compared to the problems that I assure you, 80% of the population deal with, and that these people seem to want to make into a big argument whilst pointing fingers at the starving kids in Africa and screaming "Thin Privilige" whilst eating a doughnut.

Ugh. I hate being Bipolar.

And every time I see someone who has no clue what it is and portrays it as a creative gift...I'm seriously just like "f**k you."

So I think my sister isn't as rapid cycling as I once thought, or maybe the regular amount of rapid cycling compared to me. She's been in a really up mood (mixed with some agitation if you say 'no' to her) for about a month. She's going out a lot and drinking and doing who else knows what. It's no surprise she thinks it's weird that I don't want to be as social. I can't imagine what it must like to be manic for over months. Her crash is going to be so hard. Maybe she'll stop telling me that everyone gets depressed then.

What's really hard is not take anything she says to heart.

This is the same person who wants to me to get help for my mental health issues. I'll feel bad if I get the help and my sister still has to remain the same way. I'm almost 30 and she's almost 40 and bipolar is causing such an interference in our lives that we can't work, we self-medicate - she does it more with harder things) and we have inter personal relationship problems with the people we know.

I know I have mental health problems but it's kind of funny to me the only reason my sister thinks I require immediate help is because I said 'no' to her. It seems if you're not complacent you're mentally ill. Or the fact I'm not wanting to socialise means my problems are worse than hers.

I feel really weird. First, after days of having a low depressed mood ('what's the point in doing anything'? yet still able to function) the severe depression hit. Then I was hypomanic, then very argumentative, where everyone is fair game for an argument. I didn't quite get to 'oh f*** every person in this world' mood. But as I was arguing which I thought was not for the mere sake of it, I was trying to get people to see another point of view, but then I started to empathise with them. And now it's like I'm emapthising with every person I can think of, and it's really painful. Maybe I feel bad about arguing or bad about all the times I misunderstood them, and maybe I'm not completely over depression.

And I'm pretty hormonal too.

Earlier I did feel really mixed. My head was racing with thoughts then stopped, then started up again. I haven't felt paranoid yet. I'm going to find myself a plank of wood to knock on.

It's been crazy today. I've been highly empathic, not empathic enough, hypomanic, ranty ranty ranty, anxious, depressed, switching back and forth etc.

I've probably unknowingly offended a lot of people and overreacted to some others.

I can't remember half the things I've done today.

Umm...I'm booking another appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

Oh, btw, I'm laughing at everything now...again.

The anger I have toward so many people hurts my head.

It's pointless to explain myself to people. They will never care.

I keep forgetting to fill in my mood chart. So I've ended up with a whole load of dotted lines where I forgot to fill it in. I suppose I was extremly depressed during that time. And that was the longest depressive episode I have ever had.

How do you guys keep track of your moods? I got given a True Colors log in by the NHS and it asks a load of questions about how my mood has been, and then makes a graph that looks like this:

[img][800:770]http://imageupload.co.uk/images/2013/11/03/tcolors.png[/img]

The only problem with is it that the depression questions ask me about early waking and restlessness. Which are my symptoms of hypomania. So I happen to score highly on those and so the graph shows me as being depressed when manic.

I use an iPad app called My Mood.

Speaking of waking up early, I woke up at 6am today and could have gotten up then and there. Unlike my usual Urrrghhh, just give me a couple more hours, when I wake up at 8am.

Mixed state today. Depressed as f**k, and I slept a grand total of three hours last night. I also managed to miss a psych appointment I apparently have.

To be honest, I really didn't want to have to spend an hour travelling anyway. I didn't even know it was roday.

I feel like BS today.

So today went well. Not. Things to remember I guess:

-Don't get into fights on the internet. And then take things way to personally. I managed to get in to one over "thin privilege".
-Don't slice your elbow open

And so not wanting to be stuck with screaming thoughts again tonight, I've taken a zopiclone. And therefore, I am going to get some sleep.

Goodnight.