I might have borderline personality disorder

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In my therapy it was brought up my issues are symptomatic of Borderline personality disorder. I asked my mentor (third party and 2nd opinion) and he said he's seen these symptoms in me for the 4 years I've known him.

As for the causes...I had a really sh***y childhood involving abuse, lack of psychosocial development and my mother has it.

I am half hopeful and half worried. I now have a name for my feeling; however, it is a sign I may need to be medicated for the rest of my life to function well. It would be nice to end the dysfunction though.

If you need medication to function well....at least you get to function well!

The most effective known treatment for BPD, though, is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, so it is practical and gives you real skills to change. And don't ever believe anyone that you cannot change! This is not a life sentence. For a long time, I fit all the diagnostic criteria for BPD, but now I don't. I did not do Dialectical Behavior Therapy itself, but over the years I've had lots of therapy and it has all added up to the same ideas taught in DBT.

You're already headed in the right direction- you are letting other people help you and be there for you (like your therapist and your mentor). Keep reaching out for help and keep trying to change. BPD is no joke, it is a miserable state of being, or at least it was for me. I was always angry and depressed, prone to fits of rage and I realize now that I pushed everyone away from me (thereby fulfilling my fears of being abandoned). So I was extremely lonely, too. It doesn't have to be that way.

Thank you, I am luckily having visits from a behaviorist. She would be able to do that.

How does dialectical behavior therapy work though? Cognitive dissonance being resolved would help greatly.

My mentor was there to help me figure out the issues. Now it just has a term that i can use to encompass it all. I just hope treatment is still a possibility, it is truly debilitating. When alongside poor development every issues becomes three times worse.

My mother never sought treatment for her borderline personality....probably why we have such a sh***y relationships in retrospect.

I feel like I'm going crazy now. It's almost like my fear of thig is making everything worse...downright dysfunctional right now.

Also, it seems the cause was my parents fighting through me after a divorce around age 5. I have certainly been met with nearly no sympathy as well...

What I hate is the black and white perspective is shifting to here. I can bond through interests here, but all my The Haven posts get mostly ignored.

Yeah, I allow no one to try to gain dominance over me, even if it requires a pre-emptive strike. That has been an issue for me.

I am more afraid of myself right now than anything...the treatments make me optimistic, but will reality seem any kinder? It scares the hell out of me to leave me binging on escapism currently.

As far as coping methods go, they are outdated now and must be rectified. i am ready to get this dysfunction done with.

There are several things I can see in your posts that make me think you are going to succeed.

You are willing to admit something needs to change. Most people with BPD are not able to admit that.

You are reaching out to other people for support. That is an incredibly difficult thing to do when your past has shown you how messed up people can be. For me, it was (and still is) the hardest part. I just don't trust people because so many of them have let me down. Now I have some good friends and that makes all the difference. Then at least I have proof not everybody is bad.

You have a good handle on identifying and describing your emotions. When I started out in therapy, that was my biggest obstacle. It's not that I didn't have feelings, it's that I was numb 99% of the time. I also only had a handful of words I could use to describe my feelings at any given time- angry, happy, sad, anxious. If you asked me how I was feeling, most of the time I couldn't give you a real answer. But treatment goes a lot faster the better you get at identifying exactly what you feel and why. Keep developing that ability. Constantly check in with yourself and make yourself label how you are feeling at that exact moment. I did this in treatment for binge eating disorder, and it was very helpful at making me more self-aware.

You have a positive outlook about treatment. You don't talk about it as if it is some sign you are flawed or like it's an obligation you don't want. You're doing it because you want to. That greatly increases your chances of success.

I know what you are talking about with the "pre-emptive strike". That is exactly how I used to see things. I still do that, in a way. Only now, the event that would've triggered a pre-emptive strike just makes me stop and notice first. It'll set off alarm bells, and I'll know I need to watch that situation for certain signs of trouble. Then, if I think I need to set up to defend myself, I'll find a way to do so using stuff I learned from reading about assertiveness. That usually stops the problem without the fallout that would accompany my rage reactions. If necessary, I will get nasty to defend myself, but that has proven to almost never be needed.

Don't be afraid of yourself. You have to remember that all these are coping mechanisms you developed to survive. They worked, but now, like you said, they are outdated and must be rectified. The very fact that you developed these strategies is proof you are strong. As you progress, you are going to find out that you are far stronger than you realize.

Reality does seem kinder. You will find the world feels much different in the years to come.

Thank you, I really needed to have my feeling confirmed that I was strong. Shouldn't need them to be, but I do have rapidly fluctuating self esteem.