I became a human being this week.

Post Reply New Topic

Hey odd2k
As far as knowing what to do,i dont know.ive alway had these same kind of issues and its never easy but if she is like you in many ways she has a good chance of understanding where your comming from.and saying something stupid is a chance we have to make .
Im new here ,and listening to everybody here in the past 12 hours has helped aleviate some of the pressure that has been building up over the past ten years,to know im not alone in feeling like im an alien among humans,to know its not my fault,i finally see some hope.thanks everybody , i feel like im finaly reaching out to people i know and can understand:)

Hi odd2k,

Wow, sounds like the beginning of a promising relationship. And please try not to worry too much about saying or doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes it will be intense conversations like the one you and she had. Sometimes it might be quieter things like walking somewhere together to get a snack. Just try and be open to appreciating her without trying too hard. And graciously accept her appreciating of you, also without trying too hard.

Hi IamRob,

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks.
what do those emoticons mean? i only get the obvious ones.and am still new to this forum stuff
Ive only had an iphone for about a year and dont text all that much,the last phone i had was like15years ago,big difference,i never realy liked having one,the burst of anxiety when it rang can sometimes be strong,but at least its short.look at me im rambling again,it is better than silence though ,even if its through text,and a little more in person.

Hi, by the emoticons I just mean a friendly greeting. I like the jester with the big smile because it reminds me and reminds us all that it's a good thing to be authentically ourselves even if different. And I like the nemo fish with a smile because my pen name is AardvarkGoodSwimmer.

Well, I'm back outside among the sane again.

The people around me seem a little bit scarier. The world feels a little colder. The sunlight seems a little less bright. I feel a little smaller.

During my stay in the crazy house, I was diagnosed as having had an acute onset of hypomania. Which is, in a sense, kind of sad. For the first time in my life, I was not only happy, I was the happiest human being on the planet. I'm still happy, but also a little scared. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but I'm hopeful for the first time in my life.

I made a pretty cool graph illustrating my happiness levels over these last days, but the forums software thinks I'm some kinda viagra salesman. Oh well.

I have learned so much stuff the last few days, and I have so much to write about. And I feel like I have so little time to express myself. I'm going to be reviewed by a team of people who specialize in Aspergers and other lifestyle-affecting disorders today. After I'm done talking to them, I'm going to find the highest mountain around here and just... walk to the top.

(Also, thank you guys for the hilarious derail about emoticons. I mean, I'm just spilling my entire life story here, but emoticons are cool too! Really!! !)

Take it a day at a time. A little drastic but being homeless changed me. Know yourself first. Say to yourself 'this is me and this is how I am'. Look at other people and think 'that is you and how you are'. Once I could do that it made it easier for me to stop letting my problems hold me back so much. You are never alone in what you think. We all want acceptance. Let us know how you got on today .

At some point, this thread went from being an introduction to being a personal diary. If this thread belongs somewhere else, I'm sure some capable moderator will see to it in time.

Now, I feel like I need to personally thank everyone who's responded to my ramblings. Especially Muna and EverythingShimmers. You guys validated my feelings, and made me feel a lot less alone in the world. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you!!

So, to continue the story about my amazing life journey / self discovery:

That girl I mentioned earlier... The day before I left the hospital, I told her exactly what I felt for her. She was very flattered, and didn't know what to say. I told her she didn't need to say anything. I probably scared the s**t out of her; whenever I looked at her, I felt like my feelings were going to burn a hole straight through her. She probably realized that when a person undergoing mania tells you that he loves you, you should take it all with a huge grain of salt. I guess I'm glad that she did. I still like her a LOT (she's an amazing person), but I need to calm down and stop trying to dominate people I meet. She was the first human being I've ever met in my life, so naturally she was also the first human being I fell in love with.

Yesterday, I went to this so called "team" of therapists. Not only were they super empathetic, I could tell that they actually understood everything I had to tell them. To put it mildly, they were blown away. They had never heard of a similar occurrence. They told me that what I had to say was not only interesting, it was fascinating and exciting. I'm going to see them again tomorrow, I feel like they have both the inclination and the ability to help me a lot.

After my session, I went to a fine restaurant and had something I've never tasted before. The waitress was really nice, she kept looking at me and there was this... "thing" in her eyes when she looked at me. I'm not sure what it was, but it was powerful. She was cute. When I was done eating, I found that I had left my wallet in my car, which was parked a few miles away from the restaurant. I explained it to her, she laughed and told me to go get it. I could tell that she trusted me. I made sure to give her a big tip when I returned.

After my meal, I went hiking. I walked straight up a mountainside overlooking the town. Even on the top of a f*****g mountain in the middle of nowhere, I met new people. I connected with them, and I felt like they connected with me. I met a woman who had forgotten her asthma medicine, I empathized with her and told her I had also forgotten mine (which was true). On the way down, I met a young couple who were obviously lost. I told them about my own shortcomings with navigating and getting lost, and we helped each other down. I actually made them laugh a lot. And I'll probably never meet them again. How strange.

edit:

I almost forgot... Now that the forums software trusts me, I can add pictures. Here's that graph I mentioned earlier:

Oh, and Muna... About your thoughts on anger. I think you're right.

Having calmed down a bit, I recognize that I have the full spectrum of human emotions. And having observed the way our mental health system works in practice, I'm feeling quite angry. There are people going through unimaginable suffering every day, and the people who are supposed to help them have no f*****g idea what they are doing. And they don't really care. Society as a whole still scoffs at the term "mental health" and people go around thinking they're 100% sane when in reality they are simply passably normal. Professional therapists and psychologists perform by-the-numbers diagnoses with no real understanding or intuition about what they are doing.

I see injustice everywhere I look, and it makes me incredibly sad AND incredibly angry. Wherever I perceive injustice, I know now that I will not waver and I will not yield until I have set it right. I think I'll start by reforming the various types of social integration programs that my home town offers to patients with Aspergers. If people will not listen to me, I will simply move on up the food chain until I'm heard. I'm still fearless, and my convictions feel very real and very powerful. So forgive me if I sound manic, but I'm determined to change the world into a better place.

Sorry odd2k ,i got distracted.i now realize you were spilling your soul and i go and make a comment about emodicons,i guees i can be a dick sometimes by focusing on my thoughs ,i should have said nothing like i normally do.
I envy your willingness to go out and get help,i feel like its too hard.
I agree with many of your views on the system and it makes me angry when they(the supposed profetionals) use medication as a first resort,its the easiest solution for them and the wost for the people as it teels us"its your fault"that its simply my brain misfiring .i always felt they maybe even purposely reversd the cause and effect to make more profit.
I couldnt really tell if the comment towards me was sarcastic but i took it as such,it was like a mild punch in the chest,though it was my fault
I wish i could give you something a little more constructive for your situation all i can think of is to keep going,the answers are out there they just need to be found.then Understood by self and others and then managed (no meds)knowledge really is power

I actually wasn't being sarcastic, I literally laughed when you started asking about emoticons, it was just so unexpected. It is, after all, a typical trait of Aspergers to focus ones thoughts inwards. I can relate 100% to that. Without meaning to, I made you feel bad, and now I feel bad for making you feel bad. Funny how human emotions feed on each other like that (Please don't feel bad for making me feel bad because I made you feel bad, or we'll never get out of here alive... Phew!).

And don't beat yourself up about your ability to help, right now I feel like I have a thousand times more capacity to help others than I have a need to be helped myself. We all need help though, and I value every insight I can get from you guys.

Thanks for clearing it up.it actualy made me smile today.i e always hated that loop of bad feelings.i dont know why it automatically thought it was sarcasm,i guess ive always been a little paranoid that way.
Thanks again

(I'm not sure if anyone reads these, but it's cool keeping a diary for once. Having like minded individuals read and comment on it is beyond cool.)

Ahem... Dear Diary.

Today I went and talked with the so-called team of experts. They more or less agreed with everything I had to say, and are having me transferred to a team of super-experts.

Afterwards, I had lunch. I complimented the burger flipper on his fast performance (I've never seen a guy make a burger that fast), we laughed together at the absurdity of the compliment.

Then, I located the highest mountain top around these parts (about 500 meters above sea level, or 1650 feet for you yanks). It's in a national park way in the middle of nowhere. I drove there, and started walking. There was no cell phone coverage, so I had no map, no compass, no contact with the outside world. I had expected being able to browse the net, so that threw me off quite a bit. Now, the nature trail is supposed to be in season, but we have been having a lot of snow, ice and sleet lately. It was, to put it mildly, a risky experience. I encountered broken/rotting bridges, I had to jump across rushing rivers and balance on blank ice on the edges of precipices. As I made it further up, the tracks in the snow became more sparse. At one point, there was a single pair of tracks of human foot steps ahead of me. At this point, I was facing like half a meter of snow and I was not even half way up, so I decided enough was enough, and I turned back. I don't consider that a defeat. Had I kept going for the top, I would have let my mania get the better of me. And that would have been the most terrible defeat of all.

When I came home, I got the latest news read aloud second-hand to me. It turns out, some guy about my age went hiking in that area yesterday. He died. The national emergency service has issued a warning telling people to not go up there due to extremely dangerous conditions. Whoops... I wonder if that single pair of footsteps I dared not follow belonged to that dead man.

These days my head is just chock full of symbology and aphorisms, so here's some more: I feel like that trip in many ways symbolized the human experience. Had I told anyone what I was planning to do, they would have called me crazy and prevented me from going. I started on the same path others had followed, but I met obstacles that were obviously not there when these other people had gone. At times, there was no viable path, and I had to make my own. There was a non-zero chance of death, but the same could be said about any life experience.

I think my lesson for today is as follows: Don't be an idiot, always minimize the risk to yourself whenever possible. But the chance of slipping off a cliff-side is not the most dangerous thing in the world. Fear is the most dangerous thing in the world, if you let it control you. Fear is 100% lethal, it kills people from the inside.

My second lesson is as follows: I need to calm the f**k down.

Phew... I think I'll go play some videogames or something.

Be safe out there .climbing a moutain sounds like something i would do,i used to do it all the time when i went to my grand parents when i was young ,i loved exploring and still do.being among nature always comforted me.your 100%right about fear,logic cant always overule fear.
That foot step thing must have been freaky in hindsight,good thing you listened to your self and turned aroud.
I feel like i need a little context,are you the talkative type or more reserved and quiet.i feel like its the first one but not sure.
Yeah play some games ,relax a little.

odd2k,

I'm still so happy for you, and I enjoy reading about your adventures. Sorry I haven't wrote anything back for a few days. We've been super busy working on the trailer and I've been a bit beat up and tired. But really excited. Only two weeks until we move in!

I think you're really smart to trust your feelings about mountains. I've been stuck outside overnight without proper gear a few times, and even if you get out of it with mostly just a mild/moderate case of hypothermia it's no fun. I've seen other people get seriously injured in the wilderness. Not happy. So good for you for turning around when it started to feel dangerous. I'm glad you're okay.

One safety issue thing I've learned about relationships that I want to share with you so maybe you don't have to go through it: People who want to be your "everything" as soon as they meet you are usually dangerous. Healthy people keep good boundaries. Sick people want to box you in so you can't get away from them. Once a man insisted that I should be his girlfriend (like the-step-before-being-a-fiance, exclusive girlfriend) the second time we hung out. After a few weeks, he tried to make me move in with him. I realized saying no to this was my last chance to get away from him before I had no where to go. He was getting mildly abusive and it scared me. We got in a huge fight as soon as I tried to "slow things down". I ended up running down the street with a backpack on my front and one on my back and just fleeing from there. It was scary.

An example from my life about how being open to not being loved can lead to love: I find that if I decide how much I want to give in a relationship and then negotiate that it helps keep me a lot safer. People who want to spend time with me and get to know me, but who want me to be happy even if that means spending time with someone else, make the best friends. Even in all my good relationships (before I got married, now I'm 100% with my husband) I always had a clause that if the other person found someone he liked better than me, he should just tell me before our next date and then I would let go of the relationship peacefully and we could still be friends. I have had more than one man take me up on this. One broke up with me by introducing me to his new girlfriend. If I'm honest with myself I knew that the relationship, while fun for now, never would have lasted over the years. Even though I was going to miss spending time with him and knew I might be a little sad for a few weeks, I was happy for him because I could instantly see that she was a better fit for him than I was. They were engaged the last time I saw him, and I am very happily married now. To me this is an example of what good boundaries look like and how they have worked in my life.

I think there are multiple types of fear just like there are multiple types of anger. One thing I made for myself is the, "What's the worst thing that will likely happen?" test. Like above with moving in with that guy. The worst thing that could happen was that he would abuse me and try to crush my spirit. Living in a house like that is worse than loneliness to me. I wasn't okay with that possibility and I ran. An example of where the worst thing was serious but still okay: If I want to quit my job and I'm worried and try to figure out what the worst thing that can happen is, it might be homelessness. Can I live in shelters, with friends, and outside until I get back on my feet? Not fun, but sure. I'll make it. (In this case I found another way, non-job, long before I ran out of money. The worst thing never happened.) And I needed to quit for my growth and health. I needed the time to pursue other options. So I quit and it worked out better than I could have dreamed. I had some insanely fun adventures and met my husband. The worst thing that could happen was an acceptable possibility to me, but it may not have been to other people. So if I feel the payoff is probably worth the risk, and if it's something I really want or need, I'll try it. So I find that test is a good way to distinguish between smart (safety related) and crippling (don't wanna look silly or be uncomfortable) fears.

I think it's so far out that your therapists have never heard of this before. It's really cool that they want to listen to you. I hope you both learn from each other. Maybe they can do the same "social safety check" and "am I right to be upset about this?" that my husband does for me. And you can show them all the possibilities that you dream of and show them how simple good can be.

Last edited by muna on 13 Apr 2014, 5:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm not sure myself. All my life I've been the latter, and have lived inside my own head. But now I find I can be the former if I want to. I'm feeling quite confused these days.

Last edited by odd2k on 14 Apr 2014, 5:12 am, edited 1 time in total.