How to not be creepy?

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Okay, to preface the question in the title, I'm a female with AS and I have the tendency to become obsessed with people. I noticed this in college when I'd get a crush I'd obsess to the point I terrified myself. It's really disturbing to realize that you're becoming the creeper from a horror movie, or something of the like. Not that I uhhh let it get to that point. So, my obvious solution was to avoid my crush at all costs and then wait for him to move or whatever. It's worked out pretty well as a solution, so far, but it doesn't actually end up getting anywhere, and kind of turned me into the queen of mixed messages.

The problem is that I want to have a relationship. I'm at the age where all my friends are starting to get married, and start families, and I feel like I'm missing out on something. I really want to try dating. (I'm super curious.) But I'm terrified of becoming obsessed with the guy I'm dating and coming off as totally creepy. I don't want to be creepy. I don't want to be so obsessive. But I am, so I was wondering if any of you had any solutions? Have any of the rest of you had the same problem, where you get obsessed with people? How did you manage to keep from letting yourself get obsessed? Or, on the flip side, has obsession actually been beneficial in a relationship? (I feel like it wouldn't be, but I can...hope?)

I wrote a long and terribly incriminating account of a time I had a crush on a girl I met in a government program where they made us talk about feelings and friendship and s**t. Instead, I think I'll just say that you're not the only one in that situation.

There is a simple (well, maybe not too simple, but anyway) solution to this. You continue to be obsessive (and creepy), but direct your interest to guys that are too. The tough thing is to detect which ones are similar to you, but not in a bad way. At least for me, I found out by flirting with girls over longer time, and then I only considered further involvement with those that reciprocated in a good way. The absolute worse method is to do traditional dating as then you get crushes on guys that think this is creepy, and you have no way of avoiding that as the purpose of the traditional dating process is to "merge" social traits. Using some "happiness stims" towards potential guys might help as well, as that will weed-out those that are too set in their ways and won't accept difference.

I try to avoid doing "creepy" things with my hands (flickering, rubbing) and put on a friendly, but disengaged act - and go home to bite my carpet to shreds.
Well, it has become better with age. Rejection doesn´t make me that miserable anymore.
But, then - I am not into dating and all that. Never was, - be it a loss or a blessing.

Meh?creepy is a matter of perspective, how others look at you rather than how you look at yourself. If you're worried about it, then you're probably not perceived as creepy. It's perfectly ok to gravitate towards people you are attracted to. Just spend one-on-one time with people, see who you are attracted to out there who are attracted to you in return, and hang out. Won't take all that long for a relationship to form once you get to that point.

Bad idea. Neurodiverse guys that know how to interpret this have no idea you are interested since you go home and show your interest where they don't see, and the NT guys think you are compatible with them because you appear to be like them.

I´m not interested. Never was. I´m talking about social "traffic" in general.

What if no one that you are attracted to is not attracted tp you? No guy has ever asked me for a drink or whatever in my whole entire life

Perhaps a few would have loved to have a drink with you, but knew better than to ask.

Comes down to the same: Not interested/attracted enough.

How do you signal your interest? Do you do it at all? Or do you consciously try to control your behaviour around the guys you like? Or do you try to consciouly think how to signal your interest? Or do you just act as naturally as you can?

Because many guys, even those with AS, have learned enough to not approach if they aren't getting any encouragement. I use eye contact with girls to gauge their interest because the way they respond to my eye contact tells me a lot of how attractive they find me. If I sense no attraction, I certainly won't approach. It's really an easy way to gauge interest, whether the girl is neurotypical or aspie.

I haven't yet courted any aspie women, but my idea is that aspie women tend to stare their love interest or maybe consciously try to avoid staring at their love interest (because they are told it is inappropriate). Am I right?

Btw kudos to rdos for your ideas about neurodiverse courtship. I intuitively sense that they are right.

As people have said, you would ideally find someone who is tolerant of such behaviour in the first place.

It's hard to describe this, but the usual way to tell such a person apart from everybody else, is that they tend to have a lot more patience and a "longer fuse". I have also noticed that the people who back off tend to be insecure, but in a particular way: They tended to get offended easily, and were scared at the least thing socially, and gave a big crap about what everyone else around them thought of them.

You may not want to appear creepy, but it is who you are. You cannot change who you are. Creepy isn't a bad thing unless you harrass someone. If someone tells you to leave them alone then you leave them alone. As long as you don't hurt anyone physically or mentally and you leave them alone, then you are not a bad person.

Too nice, looks creepy.

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http://www.dontbecreepy.com/tips

^^ Not sure if 100% troll site or just 90% troll site or 85% but here you go.

Whoa, I was not expecting so many responses. It's really nice to know that I'm not alone, or at the very least you guys care enough to lend some advice. Thank you all. <3

I feel like a relationship where a guy and I just obsess over each other would end in disaster. Buuuuut I honestly have zero experience. So who knows.

I thought the purpose of dating was to get to know people? Er, in a different way than friendship? Or am I totally misinformed? I don't really have any stims, it's something I stopped doing a long time ago because I realized it was...well, weird. Are there any other litmus tests I could use?



Well, I think there are some things that are just creepy because otherwise horror movies wouldn't have the market they do. And I know, sort of, what is socially acceptable and what isn't. What isn't socially acceptable is usually considered rude or creepy, and I don't want to be either.

Do you know the difference between gravitating towards a person you're attracted to and the start of an obsession? I'm always terrified of becoming obsessed, because I know it's wrong, but I also know that my friends (NTs) talk about boys all the time. They worry about what they're going to wear, what the guy might think, ect. Which sounds kind of like an obsession, but I'm pretty sure it's not, because it's socially acceptable. Where is the line?


Yup, well, that's what I do. I would imagine everybody is slightly different. I stare until I realize I'm being inappropriate, and then I hide.


Let's be "never asked for a drink" buddies. <3 I guess the alternative is offering a cute guy a drink...but I've never had the courage to do that either.



This actually made me feel a lot better. Thank you. <3


Hahaha, it might be totally troll, but it gets the point across. Thank you. <3

The simple answer is to hang out with people you're NOT attracted to.

I ended up married to someone I "found attractive" but was so far out of my league as to not even be playing the same ballgame, i.e. I'd never even consider asking someone like her out. I'd always told myself to just forget about it, attractive or not, because it just wasn't going to happen. We just started hanging out together and found there was much more to each other than we ever imagined. Getting there was a matter circumstance, but that's going to be different for everyone. Hiding from a creepy ex-bf is not exactly the single best way to hook up.

A lot of times it's the people you find UNattractive at first who are sort of diamonds in the rough. You never know you'll ever be attracted to them until you give them a chance.