Why is this section of the forum so controversial?

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What is it about the Love and Dating subforum that causes so much controversy? I understand, this is a website for aspies, and aspies often have a hard time with relationships, but the way a lot of people talk about this section, it's like its some sort of hub for sexism and misogyny. Do guys really go on tirades here about how they deserve more female attention? Are things here as bad as people say they are, or are they not?

I don't frequent this section of the site a lot, because I know my chances of getting a girlfriend are pretty much slim to none, and I'm not even sure I'm mature enough for a relationship right now. I've had plenty of crushes, and I almost started dating one of them once (it's a long story though...), but now that I'm out of high school I can't see anything happening any time soon.

IMHO the aspies who are socially adroit/successful in life, don't wish to be reminded of those who aren't. it is as though they think of the rest of us as an embarrassment. and the ones who are treated in such as way will generally not take it lying down. therein is the controversy.

mmm. Obviously based on my opinion and observations, which are necessarily limited:
Well pretty much everyone who participates in this forum will at one point or another become ridiculous [myself included] by virtue of just being human. It may not be your general and established pattern of behavior, but it really seems that there is something about this topic/forum that makes people more likely to lose it .

I feel like it has something to to with the vulnerability of relationships as a whole- we also have to make ourselves open to criticism that we normally wouldn't... only since it is the internet and we don't know most people personally, we might also be on guard. There is a tendency to be overly sensitive regarding criticism about dating, physical intimacy, personal relationships- pretty much everything this forum is about. When people are sensitive/defensive, which i feel is pretty understandable in these discussions, [and I am too in this regard- more than with any other topic, I'm no different] it makes it more likely for their to be miscommunications. Also people are even more likely to be set in their ways if things are/not "working for them" in particular arenas of life- I feel like this might be one of them.

All of these factors likely converge to make this a particularly tumultuous area of the forum. I actually think it is to be expected to a degree, but I mean there should be a difference between allowing room for conflict and inciting it. it can be a grey area, depending on who is trying to define the difference. I REALLY don't think there is any particular demographic or "category" of person who participates in this section of the boards who can plead entirely innocent.

In my case, I miss social ques (or what others call hints) and try to figure out what people say versus what they do.

Because of my presence here.

I'm sorry, auntblabby -- I really like you a lot, I think you're a wonderful member and you always have deeply wise and caring things to say to people here. I really like you.

But in this post of yours here -- you are wrong. SO wrong. That is NOT it at ALL.

This place is a problem not because of the males being upset that they can't get a dating life but because they ATTACK WOMEN in the things they say about them.

Do you really think it's perfectly okay for a person to come on here and openly call women "gold diggers" "shallow b-words" "all the same" "misleading and a tease" and many more ugly thing???

There's a HUGE difference between people saying "I'm really lonely and so tired of feeling like I have no skills in this area of life" or saying "Women are all shallow b*****s who only want NT men with expensive cars and a career".

The latter is what many discussions here devolve into.

You think that's okay?

I like you enormously but here you are very wrong.

I think the problem is that the men are extremely frustrated about their lack of success in dating & say things out of their frustration that that others take too seriously. I've been guilty of that myself & called a misogynist by more than a handful of members but anyone who really knows me thinks I'm somewhat of a feminist & my 2nd girlfriend was one too. Yeah I've been very guilty about saying things out of frustration but some other members are also very guilty of calling out male posters they don't like a misogynist. It doesn't fit that someone who doesn't conform to gender stereotypes & wish they didn't exist, watches The Good Wife, is prochoice, pro birth control, supports pay equality, believes Hilary Clinton should of won instead of Obama, & actually donated money to Emily's List is a misogynist.

Because it's full of taboos.

It's because of the relentless, thinly veiled, attacks on men by haters that take every opportunity to "put words into men's mouths" for no other apparent reason than trolling for attention.

<<-- And because of men stupid enough to take the bait.

Notice that auntblabby never made any comment about the spurious topics introduced by BirdInFight though she has him portrayed as actually advocating for that behavior!
Classic NT sociopolitical maneuvering.

Shining the light of truth and reason upon intentional and malicious deception is how controversial threads get going.

I think It comes with this website's territory. You are simply going to get a whole bunch of males who are unable to pick up on social cues and whom are unable to read a woman's subtle language (something that even normal people have trouble picking up on). Being deaf to this language will mean failure forming interpersonal relationships with women, and then having this drawn on over the years will mean that - A LOT - of grief is going to form. At this point the best thing such a person can do is to try and prevent resentment from forming, accepting that somethings are just not quite possible to reach, and then letting go of the thought of another person coming into your life... all of which takes a tremendous amount of character and sacrifice.

That resentment is what is sometimes espoused in these forums, which is very typical for such a long streak of failure. Having been in that position myself, I perfectly understand where it all comes from, because hateful language becomes VERY seductive at the point of total desolation. Dragging a heavy heart through mud and turmoil through the years is ripe breeding grounds for resentment. One rejection is easy, but it's that streak + time that forms the mathematical formula that would make just about anyone bitter.

Hmmm just read this... very interesting concept.

True that words were inserted into auntblabby's mouth. However, you've just taken one example and have come to the conclusion that it's how ALL those threads get started.

BirdInFlight however IS right (except it doesn't apply to auntblabby) that this is THE forum where women get looked at as the enemy by a group of men who won't look at their own actions.



That is a point well-made. I see the latter thinking is all too common in this forum, sadly. Nobody in this forum seems to take notice of the fat, poor, old, ugly couples that you see around you everyday. I assume they just all look at the media and a biased sample on dating sites, and judging by that, which is well...well out of touch with reality. And women are avoiding them on websites because of their own poor social skills, not because they don't have an expensive car or nice body. As I said, the majority of couples out there aren't rich or good-looking.

And I think this forum is full of such people simply because everyone else avoids this forum like the clappers.

this particular sub-forum is like a gonadal form of PP&R's contentious scorpions in a bottle, in that so many seem to have their stingers out for anybody else who is dissimilar. maybe it would be better if it were divided into two subforums- love, OR dating. just a thought. and to BirdsInFlight, I was not advocating any kind of geny.

I can't say how sorry I am you feel this way. You were one of the first people who caught my eye here due to your kindness, compassion and availability to others. On the whole, my life turned out much better than I had any right to hope when I started it and in between went through pretty much everything else... I don't need to be reminded as I remember too well and I feel no embarrassment for myself or you. No matter what I've got now, I'd never go through it again to get it... I know what you're going through if it helps even a little bit to feel less isolated and... discarded.

you are my "life progress hero" you give me hope

Are you starting to get the picture, mr_bigmouth_502? I have a feeling this will be one of those 20 pages by tomorrow threads anyway

The first thing I remember noticing about this part of the forum was the hostility and resistance towards people in long term or successful relationships and most constructive advice, especially the kind revolving around what you can/could do to improve your situation instead of how others could/should change to help or accommodate you Except for the obstinate Fnord who's now gone, no other happily married men have posted regularly here, at least that I saw. People's preference for quick, easy and short-lived fixes as what to wear or how to "fake" confidence, as well as the resistance, knee-jerk negative reactions or a feeling of helplessness regarding hard, long term effort and lucid introspection might very well be a reflection of rather specific AS challenges, just as well as a manifestation of the short attention span, instant gratification culture most of us live in.

Lately some sort of amok seems to have hit posters of both sexes and even I noticed really nasty accusations being made against very decent people. This forum seems to fill the role of "recycle bin" (as they do seem to be recycled ad infinitum instead of discarded) for all negative emotions and sexual frustrations, anger, loneliness, rejection, isolation, envy, hatred, bitterness, lost hope, false hope, longing, despair, pain and regret.

I don't have much time or interest for WP these days, but as an occasional observer I can say that the sheer absurdity and dramatism of some exchanges here can be fun to watch sometimes, though I imagine they can become quite devastating for those who get involved.