xmas gift situation (and more)

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I think a bit of background info is needed to explain...

But I've been in love with a person for almost four years now... and that in and of itself is a bit of a situation. This person knows how I have felt/feel about them and because we work together we could not date in the past (and now). However, over the past years they have treated me like they like me-- like a gf-- in every way except anything intimate--we never even cuddled. But at some point, they started acting weird and I asked him if he was seeing someone, and he said, "no" and gave me a whole shpeel about how I'm the only person he even spends time with. Things kept getting weirder with him and random girls at work started looking at me weird... I don't know everything from that to he became less available... All sorts of signs that he was in fact seeing someone.

Then I start hearing things from other people at work about him hitting on random girls and flirting with them and chasing after them in very unprofessional ways... And yet he always denied any sort of involvement in those sorts of things. I could even give lots of specific examples of him lying to cover up things... I don't know... But he always finds a way to bend the truth somehow.

This is where things get more complex. I feel bad for doing this but on some levels I am glad that I did... I looked at his phone one day and saw several sex text messages to and from both girls and guys (not that that bothers me). They were very explicit and many of them involved checking with schedules and my guy thanking the other person for performing particular acts and expressing the desire to do them again... I have known guys who use hookers and these messages were very reminiscent of those kinds of messages though I am not sure that's what these were. One message was from a guy saying that he had bought tickets to come see him (the guy im interested in) and that he couldnt wait to suck his dick again.

After finding these on his phone and in light of the work situation... i just stopped hanging out with him. I didn't tell him what I did and I still helped him with things in his personal life (meaning outside of work) when he needed help. But I was really sad over the whole situation and just felt the need to be alone. It had been stressful for me to be in this situation to begin with. To top it off... One night during this time when I stopped hanging out with him... I came home one night and--this will sound weird, but at the time we lived in the same apartment complex area, real close to each other actually-- and actually happen to see him f*****g someone through his window because it was night time and he was dumb enough to leave his light on and window open. My heart just broke, I almost collapsed right where I was and spent the whole night just crying.

But I didn't hang out with him or say anything about any of this to him. All the while, things seem fine at work and are good between us. By this time, it was getting close to new years (last year) and he asked me if I wanted to spend new years with him. Being the idiot girl that I am, I still wanted to, but I wound up telling him no but that I would if things were different... We didn't spend new years together (I had a wonderful new years btw)... But when I got back, he told me that he wanted to get serious with me and was ready to move on with his life and spend it with me.

Being the idiot girl that I am... I accepted. But if you can't tell, it gets worse from here on... Our period dating was quite laughable and very short-lived... mainly because I confronted him about all this stuff early on. I really care about this person and was willing to forgive them anything they did when we weren't dating... But when we "did" date, nothing seemed to change. He was still unavailable in many ways and something just didn't feel right. So, I happened to look at his phone one more time and saw a flirty exchange between him and a woman, with her last message being, "So where did you want to meet?" So that's when I confronted him about all this stuff (except actually SEEing him f*****g someone)... I told him about looking at his phone and aplogized profusely... And he of course got really upset and denied everything claiming I either made it up (being the gay stuff and that woman asking him where to meet) and he said that all he did was cyber chat and he threw it in my face that he's not even had sex the few years that we've known each other (LIE! But I didn't go there).

So that's where we still stand--A year later. My heart is still broke cause he's been leading me on for years and cheated on me when we did date... But he's not sorry in the least cause he claims he didn't lie to me or cheat on me and that it's all in my head. Things really aren't that great at work, he still chases girls around yet takes every effort to hide it from me... It hurts cause I hear it from everyone else... And we're back to not hanging out... by my choice. He offers all the time for us to hang out and he has parties at his place and invites everyone over, but I don't ever go (is that the right thing to do? i don't know, but my heart hurts too much to bear it). Half my friends know the situation, but most people at work don't know--I'm not really friends with the b*****s he chases after, so I don't know what's going on there...

But I'm just so stressed out about all this. I'm even in therapy now. I really want to hang out with him and spend time with him but I have morals and principles and I can't forgive him for something that he isn't even sorry about. He says he's trying to do the right thing and be friends but am I wrong in just not being able to bring myself to accept these terms?

And today he gave me a xmas gift. I've had it all day and still haven't even opened it. I don't know what to do. my idiot girl half wants to open it and gush over it and be happy he thought of me. Part of me want's to just return it with a note saying I can't accept it, blah blah blah. And i just don't know what to do.

I wish I could just leave and never come back but I'm stuck here for a few more years. I wish I could move on and like someone else... but I have tried (am trying) and nothing seems to work.

I don't understand why he is like this... I think he doesn't like this part of himself and can't face it so tries to make it go away by denying his actions and trying to manipulate me into forgetting them.

I don't understand myself and it makes me have meltdowns and cry and really hate being this obsessive and unable to cope.

What do I do with this xmas gift?

run girl, run away from the bastard.

Oh sweetie....give the present back. I know your feelings for this guy are intense, but they aren't based on his behavior, or his character....are they? Because what you know of both (he's a liar, he's a cheat, he lives a life he's ashamed of, etc.) should not engender feelings of love.

I'm glad you've got a therapist, and I hope you're exploring the source of your feelings for this guy....maybe he's the actual representation of romance and love to you? Maybe he's your first crush/experience? Maybe you have a strong physical attraction, and wish he had the ethics and character to match? Maybe you have a strong sense of caretaking, and you want to fix him?

Whatever the reason, you've got to try to work through it. Honey, I promise you that if you give up on him, you won't be giving up on love, or on finding your mate. You'll actually be taking a huge step in that direction, because the one thing you know for certain about this guy is that he's not the one for you. Why indulge the side of you that wants to hold onto him by keeping the present? It's likely it will only feed the part of you that wants to hold onto him, and make it harder for the part that needs to let him go. Trust me - I know this is hard, but you've got to start separating from him. It's obvious he's not going to separate from you (cause it sounds like you're a really nice person) - you're going to have to do all the heavy lifting on this one. Good luck, honey.

It's heart breaking and hard to fall for someone like this. They some how have that charm that can be very addicting, hince why he has so many lovers. My daughter had a crush on a guy like that, they never went out, she knew what he was all about, yet he still had this charm over her, she was drawn to him, but never made that step probably because he was afraid of me.....good. but also because she refused to date "Players" and that is exactly what this guy is. Run far away from him. He egotistical,self absorbed and will probably give you an STD and blame you for it. You can be proud of the fact that you never became one of his conquest, because even though you have these feelings, you thought better of yourself then to let them mess up your life.

You'll bounce back, you're Sedaka the human spring

If you met him today you would probably not give him the time of day, you've got yourself obsessed.

Bad guy. This is the type of guy you find on reality TV shows.

Open the present and keep it. If it's positive, let it serve as a reminder of the good times and feelings you had.

But you must maintain the fortitude to know he's a bad bad guy.

I returned it without opening it and left a neutral note about how we haven't even hung out for a year, so I can't accept it.

He never said anything about it.

Today he asked for a ride to Enterprise so he could pick up a rental car to drive home for the holidays. I took him. We didn't say anything about it or much at all, really.

He knows why we don't hang out anymore... Everything I've mentioned here, we've had arguments about.

He just somehow doesn't think he's treated me wrong and isn't sorry... and apparently has no real friends to help him out with stuff like today.

I just really wish I didn't have to work with him. Will be sometime before I can just leave.

It does break my heart... even just realizing there's nothin to do about it.

He just somehow doesn't think he's treated me wrong and isn't sorry... and apparently has no real friends to help him out with stuff like today.


Remember what you just wrote, there is obviously a reason he has no real friends to help him out. He needs a character adjustment.

Which is also why I have said I haven't hung out with him for about a year at this point.

Good for you that you've been strong enough not to hang out with him despite constant temptation.

Can you ask your boss to work in a different area from him?

The more he is out of sight, the better. It will allow you line of vision to widen and encompass somebody/something new.

My daughters father was very much like this, I used to hear odd things about his behaviour off mutual friends and catch him chatting up girls and stuff. He always denied behaving inapropriately to women and said it was all in my head, though clearly it wasnt if other people had come up to me and said things.

I found it very hard to reconsile/deal with the lying, I could not understand how if he wanted to sleep with other people, why would he want a relationship with me. If I wanted to sleep with other people I would have ended the relationship or told him, I dont understand how if he wanted a relationship with me so much why he would jepordise it by sleeping with other people.

I just found it very hard to understand why someone would lie and work so hard on decieving me. I found all the not understanding and confusion really made me have a drive to understand it, I could not stand not knowing all the 'whys'.

In the end I figured that though he clearly did love me, his love was the sort I could do without. I think he probably wanted to have me and behave badly with other women too (have both) and he had little self control, integrity or will power. I have since then avoided all contact with him for 7 years, though I often still think of him.