Feel ashamed of my poor finances

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I got hired out of grad school, only to be fired five months later. Now I get some work as a freelancer (I do video production). Money comes in in fits and starts, and I'm continually searching for part time work to fill the gap.

But I feel so ashamed of myself to not be making more money. I live at home, and don't have much overhead (which my parents constantly remind me of). This only makes me feel worse. I want to be on my own. I want to be making enough so I can live on my own and pay my own bills, and be able to save up to buy new gear and maybe travel a bit. Not to mention, not having much money or my own place means I'm work less than f**k all to any woman. Who the hell'd want to be with poor schlub who lives with his parents, and has no immediate prospects of advancement.

Worse still, I'm afraid this will all force me to abandon my dreams, and get some awful job that slowly kills me, all for the necessity of living. I don't know if I could do that. Living and working just for the sake of living and working? If that is my lot in life, I'm going to kill myself now.

I feel like such a unredeemable failure...

Brianruns10, I certainly know about being underemployed with a marvelous potential and a degree, but not being able to bring the job and the degree and that potential all together in one package.

There is a certain balance in life to being frugal. Having little 'overhead' is actually a blessing, as we are not as compelled to 'keep up with the Jones' or demonstrate our 'worth' through material accumulations. I think of the monks and academics doing well in a zen appreciation of only having and using as much as necessary actually suits me better as I make my way though life.

That being said, it is really a pain to have to struggle to make even that happen. Working temp jobs, counting every nickle, watching others seem to do it effortlessly just depresses more. And attracting a mate, well, let's just say your options are considerably reduced.

But Brianruns10, it is NOT forever. I have been through several cycles of when I had the right job and the right apartment and the right friends and all the trimmings and then either slowly or quickly, rotate to living in a tent in the woods, eating from a cache of food scored from the local church food pantries, cleaning other people's houses for gas money, if I had a car at that time, or learning to do everything on a bicycle and a wicker basket. Just knowing I can take care of myself one way or the other is a real blessing in my life. It ain't pretty, but it is do-able.

My heart goes out to you, Brianruns10, but nothing is forever. really.

your friend,
Merle

I have definitely had jobs I hated but had to keep in order to pay the bills.

But, having just last year received a Master's degree, I finally have a job that I don't hate (teaching at a community college - which anybody with a Master's can do). I have hope that one day, after I get more used to the difficult parts, like lecturing, that I'll actually like it. At the moment the pay's not great, but if you stick with it you get awesome retirement plans.

So don't give up hope.

Merle said it all well.

Personally, and after being endlessly up and down for many years, I finally got my "dream job" at 57 ... and now I am physically unable to work more than a few hours a week. So, I am going to have to walk away from an upside-down mortgage I could never possibly pay off anyway and move to my mother-in-law's in another state where I *might* be able to find a part-time job doing whatever somebody might be willing to hire some old crip like me to do. But, at least my overhead will be much lower there!

Any woman worth being with wont care where you live or how much you make, she will care about you and what kind of person you are. I have to agree that having less money is actually a blessing in disguise. When you have less money you are "forced" to take in all the little things, which are at the root of it all, the big things. I understand your want for independence, maybe once things do pick up a little for you you can find a roomate that you are comfortable with to grant you some of that independence your after without the higher cost of living alone. Life is always worth living.

What I would reccomend is getting a job in a government agency. Then you don't have to worry about getting fired if you screw up. I find that being free of this worry unleashes your creativity, and makes you more productive and happy.
Of course, getting a high-paying job in a corner office will be hard without serious connections, but even in this time of 10 % unemployment, there are still surprisingly many state jobs available working with society's rejects ( mainly because people don't want to do them)- ret*d people, prisoners, juvenile delinquents, mental patients etc..