Needing advice on how to have the "Big Discussion"

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My darling Aspie 15 year old girl told her father the other day that a boy at school asked if she's had her first kiss yet. Our daughter asked how old she should be for her first kiss, and how old she should be for "making out". Wow. I would like to know how other parents handled discussing sex with their Autie teens. I'm hoping to, of course, educated my daughter in the whole process, so she won't get caught getting asked to do something she's not ready for. And, of course, I want to help her understand the emotional end of sex. Up to this point, she's only shown superficial interest in boys other than as being friends. But her girly hormones are kicking in, and she has age appropriate friends, and I'm sure they talk among themselves. I want her to get accurate, true information from me, really to empower her so she won't go into her first encounters with boys being a total innocent.

Any ideas here?

I've taken the same approach with both my AS and NT children: answer what they ask, and create an environment in which they feel comfortable asking. Beyond that, what to say ... hm, mine aren't as old as your daughter, yet.

I think answering her current question will naturally lead you to everything else, for it doesn't have a simple answer. Be honest about things you have done, and how you've felt about mistakes you've made, but of course there is no need to give out details. My mom's life was very different from mine, but she always shared it, while clearly accepting that things were different for us. That all helped us feel comfortable talking to her about what we were experiencing or concerns we had.

The biggest difference my son's AS has made in our conversations to date is that I've felt compelled to let him know that his lack of understanding on personal boundaries causes me concern when it comes to dating situations. He knows that my "joke" is that I may never let him date. He just doesn't hear what other people around him want - he only seems to know what he wants, in many situations. Until he improves on that, I consider dating to actually be dangerous for him. He's a boy, you know. Fortunately for us, he is behind the curve on having any interest in it, and most of the discussions we do have tend to be about his friends and the things they are doing and thinking, so information is getting to him in advance of his personally needing it. It is common for Aspies to mature slower in this area, so hopefully we'll all have the time we need to get it right for our kids.

I really like books for this type of thing. There are a wealth of them out there, discussing sex, sexual health, choices etc. Maybe find one that is in line with your own values and age (maturity) appropriate for your daughter, then buy a copy for yourself and one for your daughter. Then you can have a little book club together, stopping to discuss periodically as you read (unless she still likes to be read aloud to, then you could do that). I find a book to be a nice, neutral way of teaching & learning what can be a tricky subject, and it opens up a lot of discussion that you may not have thought of covering yourself.

My daughter found the best book ever for this and other big topics. It is The Six Most Important Decisions by Sean Covey. This book takes a very common-sense approach to tough issues.

I didn't know parents still talked to their kids about sex. With television, media, and pop culture being so uncensored these days, most kids hear about it on their own, and at a very early age.

My parents never talked to me about sex.

With any luck, we're sitting with those kids when they see those images and have a chance to put it in proper perspective. It is much better to get the truth from people who will impart values with it, than from the media where it can be misunderstood.

Of course, my kids have no interest in media that breaches their innocence too early. Gotta love that.

You don't have to be interested in it to be exposed to it. It's everywhere.

It can be avoided or, if not, ignored.

So your kids have never seen a TV commercial for birth control, erectile dysfunction, PMS, or even tampons?

Ignorable, yes. Avoidable, no. Maybe 20 years ago, but certainly not these days.

I never had a discussion like that. Cultural osmosis and availability of information got the job done. An interesting difference in culture.

Not often, given that they rarely choose to watch anything other than PBS or Disney, and when they do, if they have a question, we answer it. There is no loss of innocence in knowing that women give birth to babies and that every month a woman's body gets ready for that. And most little boys discover that a certain body part will "pop up" at a very young age, and so get told a basic explanation of why, as well. It's science. I'm talking details on what men and women do in the privacy of their bedrooms, safe sex, and the nuances of relationships - THAT they aren't interested in (beyond knowing that it generally involves being naked). And they have been taught by us what certain terms mean - kids are natural mimics, and most parents will eventually hear their precious little one say something shocking. But the fact they say it doesn't mean they know what lies behind it. As soon as we give them a simple definition, they turn bright red and NEVER use the word again, which leaves me hoping there aren't still parents who just wash out kids mouths with soap.

I guess you and I have different definitions on what "the talk" means. To me, it means filling in details they may not be aware they need to know yet, after a lifetime of answering the questions that arise daily. Hopefully, parents haven't stopped talking and haven't started assuming that just because kids see it, they know it, because my conversations with my kids over the years have made it quite clear that they do not.

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I remembered last night that quite a few of these discussions come up when the kids are trying to figure out when things they type in internet games violate the word filters. My son, for example, could not figure out why a character dressed up as Santa would not be allowed to say, "ho ho ho." Too funny, isn't it?

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 13 Feb 2010, 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My parents had the discussion with me when I was nine. It's not a big deal and autism doesn't make it any different, except that there's a chance she might prefer to learn from a book on the subject.

Asperger's and Girls by Tony Attwood
Autism-Asperger's & Sexuality by Jerry and Mary Newport
** Best one! "What's Happening to My Body?" by Lynda Madaras

Personal note: When growing up, I read about the changes that girls go through and also the changes boys go through as well. (LOL) Keep the enemy closer!

WATCH OUT for predatory behavior EVEN among same age peers. It seems like predators sniff us(aspies) out very easily.

Same here. I got, at least the mechanics of it, from sex ed and the media.

Honestly fifteen is really late to start in my opinion. I have been introducing age appropriate levels of "the talk" since my son was three. I started with proper names for body parts and how no one should touch his except for the doctor. That way if anyone tried anything he would be sure to tell me about it right away.

He's almost thirteen now, and has a general idea of where things go, but still with the emphasis on waiting until he is an "adult". Giving them information does not make them more likely to go out and do things.