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Aspie Affection

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Is He Attracted to Me, or Not?
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Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: Oct 25, 2009
Posts: 44
Location: Out there

PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 3:22 pm    Post subject: Is He Attracted to Me, or Not? Reply with quote

There's a guy at school for whom I have very strong feelings. For the sake of brevity, I won't get too detailed, but I will say that we have A LOT (not everything, but very much) in common. We are both typically introverted, calm, unemotional (on the outside), and [fairly] mature. We both have similar interests (science, pseudoscience, and video games), similar morals, and similar goals for the future. We seem to think in a similar manner. We even struggle with similar problems. Unfortunately, all the similarities in the world wouldn't necessarily provide chemistry OR love between two people.

I am not sure whether or not I definitely have Asperger's, though I have severe ineptitude in situations like this. I cannot clearly interpret body language, facial expressions, tones of voice, or any other kinds of subtle hints. I do, however, observe his behavior to the best of my ability, and file it away in case it ever becomes useful. So, I was wondering, what do you think about the following?

[By the way, I'm not trying to diagnose, but it might be helpful to know that he seems to display some aspie-like characteristics. For example, he often feels VERY uncomfortable with any kind of deviation in his normal routine, and I've heard from one of his other friends that "he has poor social skills."]

Okay, so here is my list:

Things that I have deemed "Positive":
--When I walk into the lunch room, he looks up at me for a few seconds, then looks away. I usually try to look past him, like I don't see him. Once in awhile, though, I will smile and wave as I approach the table. When I do this, he smiles and waves back, as his face seems to "light up", for lack of a better description.

--When I talk to him, we maintain [for the most part] steady eye contact. Normally, I hate looking people in the eyes, but I forced myself to look at his. If I remember correctly, his eye contact with me often faltered in the beginning, but now we can usually speak to one another with quite a bit of eye contact.

--When he told me that he didn't even know what color his eyes should be considered, I said, "let me see" and spent a few moments looking deeply into his eyes trying to determine their color. He wasn't focusing on me, because his eyes can't focus without his glasses (he took them off so I could see his eyes better), but at one point his mouth twitched into a smile, before he ducked away and put his glasses back on. I think the smile is a good sign, right?

--In the past, whenever I have given him a high-five (which really isn't often), his hand has felt sweaty. I know that sweaty hands are a sign of nervousness, but I don't know whether or not that has to do with me.

--Generally, when I don't understand what he and his friends are talking about, he'll explain the inside joke to me.

--Sometimes when he's talking to me, his nostrils flare. I have read that nostril-flaring is a sign of attraction. Of course, I'm not going to base everything on that tiny detail, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to keep that in mind.

--During lunch and class, I think I see him looking at me, out of the corner of my eye. Of course, I could be utterly wrong, because I do not look to meet his gaze. For all I know, he could be looking into space, and I just happen to be right next to the spot he's staring at.

--He will usually laugh at jokes I make, even if they're not really so funny.

--A few weeks ago, we went to see a movie with some other friends, then everyone went to a restaurant afterwards. Sometime during the following week, when we were the only people at our lunch table, he said to me, "Remember when we went to the movies?" I nodded, and he continued, "That was really good. I mean, really good. And then everyone went the restaurant after it. I'm not really used to that, but...I would like to do that again sometime...I would really like to do it again..." I froze, thinking for a moment that he would ask me out, but no such luck. So I just muttered, "yeah, that was a first for me, too." I guess he wasn't really going to ask me out, but...why would he have said that to me? Maybe because he figured I'd have a similar opinion and would therefore understand his...

--I can't really explain it, but sometimes I just feel a strong connection to him, and I'll think that he might really be attracted to me. Some of our conversations are so...I don't know...just really good somehow.

Now, for the Negatives:
--His pupils do not seem to dilate when he looks at me. I know that pupil dilation is a strong, definite, hard-to-miss sign of attraction. No matter who you are, your pupils dilate when you look at someone you're attracted to. My only hope is that his astigmatism affects the dilation of his pupils. I think I read that eyes with astigmatism have a set pupil size for varying degrees of brightness, for optimal focusing. Here is the direct quote from a scientific abstract:
it was found that there exists an optimal pupil diameter that maximizes the RIC at each luminance level for each degree of astigmatism

I hope that’s true…

--When I invited him over my house a few months ago, he said he wanted to go and he would ask his parents. He seemed excited, but two days later, he had forgotten.

--Twice now he has told me that he would let me borrow a video game, and both times he obviously forgot. Even though both times, we had a conversation about the game in question. Yet he can remember to let a guy in our class borrow a game, after that had only been mentioned in passing. How does that happen?!

--When I had teasingly said, “I know, I‘m distracting you with my looks” he answered with a sarcastic “yep, that's right” and some nodding. When I thanked him for his sarcasm, he said, “I’m agreeing with you. Besides, I’m nodding, and nodding can’t be sarcastic.” But I knew he was being sarcastic, because I could hear it in his voice (sarcasm is one thing I can generally pick up on). Besides, if he really did find me attractive, he obviously wouldn’t agree with me out loud. Was he flirting/hiding his true opinion, or does he really find me unattractive?

Sorry this was so long, but I feel that details are extremely necessary. I can’t think of any more specific positives/negatives right now, but I’ll post more if I do.
So, what do you think about his behavior? Is there any point in pursuing him, or should I just resign myself to the inevitable heartbreak?
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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: Apr 20, 2009
Posts: 56

PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 4:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would say he is most definitely attracted to you. He has given you many hints, some of which you may have misinterpreted.

Besides, if he really did find me attractive, he obviously wouldn’t agree with me out loud.

Why not? That's a pretty straightforward way of hinting that he likes you.

"I would like to do that again sometime...I would really like to do it again..."

This was your cue to say "I would, too." And maybe you talk about when you want to do it again.

Ignore the pupil dilation and nostril flaring. That's clinical stuff and not what you should be paying attention to. You should pay more attention to body language.

I wouldn't take the forgetfulness personally. He might have just wussed out on going over to your house.
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Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: Jan 07, 2010
Age: 40
Posts: 88
Location: The Unemployment capitol of the US

PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 7:33 pm    Post subject: If he has asperger's probably Reply with quote

it took me until my 35th birthday to figure out the signs of females attracted to men. I am still trying to figure out what to say and do when the opportunities arise
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Joined: Feb 22, 2010
Age: 49
Posts: 1516
Location: Los Angeles

PostPosted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He's Definitely interested.

If you can find ways to give him opportunities to ask you, that would help. Be patient, but keep at it.

If you think he's looking at you out of the corner of his eye, he probably is. I remember getting caught doing just that in high school.

If you can suggest an activity you both could do, go for it. if you ask him to a movie or to dinner, even better.

Most of the negative things you mention sound like the sort of things a person might do to "not seem too eager" It sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of the situation.

Good luck,

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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: Sep 17, 2009
Posts: 55

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Women's mind games... Rolling Eyes
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Joined: Feb 14, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 400
Location: UK

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2010 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Him not coming round to your house is a major sign of him being a big p**** ... either that or you're a major tease. I wish I'd gone to girl's houses at school when their parents were away Very Happy
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