Can hardly handle NTs :(

Post Reply New Topic

Im starting to go into some depression due to the communcation issues Im having, im struggling so much to be understood that it's takig so much energy to do so and things just end up not being sorted out. NTs cant seem to understand me no matter how hard I try and im completely overwhelmed by them. And by opening myself up to them and still not being understand, it emotionally hurts, this is happening with my boyfriend and I..

When Im feeling this bad and this overwhelmed and this in need to get away from them I usually flee (go out into the Australian bush or desert alone and stay there in the caves, which is actually dangerous). Im trying real hard to stop myself from doing that and go vanishing for weeks. (It takes weeks when im this into the Asperger's and lack of able to deal with people to settle down). I need no stress till i can get my mind around some things.

i avoid trying to get close to NTs thou i do have two NT friends, one who has some Asperger's traits but i cant handle him right now so havent spoken to him for weeks.. nor my other friend for months. i do also have a NT boyfriend and that is where my current BIG issue is, so bad is the communication between us (thou he actually believes it is good ) that im wanting to break up with him. (but on the other hand i love him and actually need him so i have a real diplema).

Some of the things my boyfriend is doing which is distressing me
Its like he dont hear me when I tell him my issues (This hurts and is frustrating too, frustrating as I know he does care, but he just dont seem to understand it). He tries but gets things so wrong that he ends up making things for me worst.

For examples I told him that im not well enough due to my current stress levels to go to an appointment on Tuesday, an appointment which would add to my current stress levels.. so he goes " I'll drive you if you decide you are going".
Hence i then didnt feel like he's hearing or recognising my current stress levels.. im completely unable to deal with people right now and to go means even a little thing may set me off emotionally, Ive ended up jumping out of cars.. smashing car front window to try to excape when he once put the autolock on. I dont want to risk breaking a window in panic or ending up doing anything not good).

I have a person (one i think is an Aspie) who im wanting to become friends with online and i hope to take this friendship into real life. Me and this other have been in slow communication back and forth (in a NT site), we both avoid the site cause of the NTs and probably only go there once a week so it takes two weeks to respond to one another. Anyway my boyfriend is like trying to make me push myself onto the other to become friends faster. (I take a LONG TIME to become someones real friend as im too scared of being hurt and not understood). Cause i hadnt heard from the other yet.. my boyfriends is like "write again".... and im like "no i dont like small talk, i'd rather wait for him to respond"... so my partner goes on to tell me that his suggestions arent small talk.. but TO ME THEY ARE!! ! it isnt me nor how i communicate, nor obviously how this other ive been communicating too communicates. i dont want this one i want to become friends with avoiding me like he does everyone else cause my partner has made me act like a NT. My boyfriend dont get it.

Thirdly.. There is a NT who wants to be my friend in real life and wants to visit me along with her boyfriend (they are both nice people which ive met throu another). i told her i was sick so put off making a time for her to visit me (I was actually sick with a virus at time.. relieved i was cause it gave me a way out, i cant lie). i do like this girl but are scared to have her visit due to my lack of communication skills... i cant hold a convo so i need the other to lead the convo. . This girl has social anxiety hence im scared she will expect me to do a lot of the talking. i can see this meeting as a recipe for disaster as i know she will never want to visit me again if i just sit there and dont speak.. leaving her uncomfortable. If i did it and it didnt work out, i will be very upset as once again ive showed myself just how socially inept i are and failed (and not just that.. blown the chance to be friends with one i like).

My partner is at me in a negative way saying it's obvious i just dont want friends.. that hurts as it isnt true. He isnt understanding just how badly that will go if i dont have another around to take over the talking.

Then today i was telling my partner on the phone (im hardly even speaking to him too now, im wanting to withdraw from everyone so much), that i cant bear being about anyone or speaking to anyone right now. Then right after that conversation as he knows my tv isnt working ... He goes.. "why dont you get alan around or alans friend around to fix the tv today". Every word i said to him about how i cant handle being about anyone right now, obviously he hasnt understood. How can anyone be any clearer than specifically stating the issues which im doing but I stil arent being heard. (its nearly night and it's taken me all day to be able to even want to reach out to even communicate here at a AS forum.. i wouldnt go near a NT forum right now)

anyway.. im to the point now where i want to flee everyone (even my partner cause he's hurting me as he dont understand).. and feeling depressed over it all

He probably doesn't understand, and I mean that in the sense of literal ignorance, not willful or hurtful ignorance.

I get the feeling that he believes that by trying to make tasks easier that he will be able to help lessen or remove the stress. He might be seeing "stress dealing with people" as a symptom of a different stressor rather than being the primary stressor itself.

Not 100% sure, but that may be where his misunderstanding is--and if that's the case, I imagine his motives are coming from kindness but he literally doesn't understand and is trying to make you feel better based on what he knows makes him feel better when he's stressed. He might need it explained to him (sometime when you're feeling less overloaded) that for you it's fundamentally the other way around.

He will probably need it explained to him that it is not a personal thing against him, because he may leap to the conclusion that he as a person is being hurtful, when in fact giving distance to you when you need it (and please tell me if I'm understanding right or wrong) is a way that he can love you, even though it may be hard. In my own faith I would understand this as part of the sacrificial nature of love--of giving of oneself even when it's hard to give in that particular way.

_________________
Official diagnosis: ADHD, synesthesia. Aspie quiz result (unofficial test): Like Frodo--I'm a halfling? 110/200 NT, 109/200 Aspie.

I back what SoSayWeAll has said above... I was trying to reply earlier today, but couldn't formulate my words into a good post.

I do wish to add that, concerning your friend and her boyfriend you would like to meet and maybe start an off-line friendship with, don't feel ashamed in any way. Is she aware that you are autistic? If she is, since she has social anxiety disorder, there would be a fair amount of mutual understanding between the two of you since socialising is an issue for you both. Once you've laid that on the table, I imagine it would make things very comfortable for you. IMO, meeting up with someone you met online is a fairly big step to make to begin with, but if it feels right, you should go for it.

i'd agree with the others as well. it sounds like your boyfriend heard what you were saying, but there is nothing he can do to reduce your stress. he is probably at a loss as to how to help you. so he did the only thing he could, he offered assistance if you did decide to go. in the NT world, thats like saying, "if you decide to so something that is hard for you, i will be there to help you through it."

as for the friend you want to invite over, why not talk to her about it? even if its casual, just mentioning that you'd love to get together but that you have a hard time socially, so you'd like to do something at your house instead of going out. that makes it low key, you dont have to disclose the autism just yet if you dont want to. and its ok to plan the evening out, make a schedule so you know what you are doing when, and dont leave a lot of dead time where you'd have to worry about spontaneous chatting.

I am sorry yor are feeling this way, but I have to say, (because I am a mommy and use to giving advice ), your situation has nothing to do with you having a ASD and your BF being a NT! It has to do with Female vs Male. Every relationship on the planet goes through these things. Women think one way and Men think another, ASD or NT does not matter. Please do not say you do not like all NY just because you have an insensitive BF. Most women I talk to about relationships at one tome or another have these same complaints and wether ASD or NT, my opinion is, that men just do not understand women and I sure as heck do not understand men! But if it too much for you to deal with and do not feel that he is not even trying to understand you, I will give you the same advice I give my NY friends, leave him and find someone who will at least try to understand your concerns and needs! Good Luck to you, please do not walk away from life to live in a cave, instead, if it is that bad, walk away from the life you are living and find happiness else where!

It sounds like he's still interpreting your words from an NT perspective.
It is important for him to understand that you are fundamentally different from him.
I suggest your boyfriend read this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome ... y_b_text_c

It's ok to feel withdrawl from time to time.
You boyfriend needs to be able to support that.

It took me a long time to learn that a lot of nonautistic people don't understand that "dealing with people" means ALL people, of ALL kinds, in ALL situations. It doesn't just mean heavy socializing or other social chatting, it also means having someone around for a task. (At least sometimes it does.) So they probably thought you meant that having someone over to chat would be bad but having someone over to fix things would be okay. They don't get the extent of stress just someone's presence can cause some of us.