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jdcnosse
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 13, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 613
Location: Tucson

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:31 pm    Post subject: how to become un-obsessed Reply with quote

My ex and I dated for 5 1/2 months. We're currently "taking a break," and as much as I hate this, it does make us both single, so she's free to date other people (like she's doing now). At the beginning, and nearly all throughout the relationship except for the past 2 months, we hung out/saw each other every day. Now, I feel like there's nothing I can do and no matter what I do or don't do, I make it worse. I've apparently let her become a "special interest," and now no matter how hard I try to not talk to her, or to give her the space that she wants, I can't seem to let her go.

The problem is that not only is she a "special interest," I know I'm in love with her still, and I know we both love each other. I'm not sure if she's in love with me still.

How do I keep my mind off her so I don't ruin what's left of our relationship/friendship? I have taken up a new hobby, cycling. lol Without any training, I rode my bike 17 miles because basically she wanted me out of her life for something she misunderstood, and I really don't want that so I rode there. lol

I also like movies, music, tv. I have recently been talking to someone else, and unfortunately they like me in that way, but I'm not really attracted to them. They're nice and a friend and all, but there's nothing there besides friendship...
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passionatebach
Velociraptor
Velociraptor


Joined: Nov 09, 2009
Age: 36
Posts: 427
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have had problems with "people obsessions" most of my life. The mark of a 20 year on and off obsession and myself recently bacame friends on Facebook and have an occasional conversation. Strangely, since this happened, the obsession about him isn't as strong as it was years ago.

The reason I think that this is the case has to do with the fact that I have found other activities and people to keep myself busy and to pull my mind off of this person and the obsession that I have had with him over the last 20 years. A result of getting involved with these activities is that I have found people to fill the void of friendship and acquaitanceship that I did not have years ago, hence the obsession with my best friend in middle school.

I was having a conversation with my parents this morning regarding obsessions and how they have all been over a person that was close to me at a moment in my life. I have learned over my 32 years that friendship is a temporary state that lasts for a few months to a few years, and then either person drifts away or into acquaintance territory. Things have gone much better with my middle school friend who was my default obsession when I incorporated this train of thought. I see him as no more or different than the people from church, co-workers or the people from my other volunteer activities.
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jdcnosse
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 13, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 613
Location: Tucson

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

passionatebach wrote:
I have had problems with "people obsessions" most of my life. The mark of a 20 year on and off obsession and myself recently bacame friends on Facebook and have an occasional conversation. Strangely, since this happened, the obsession about him isn't as strong as it was years ago.

The reason I think that this is the case has to do with the fact that I have found other activities and people to keep myself busy and to pull my mind off of this person and the obsession that I have had with him over the last 20 years. A result of getting involved with these activities is that I have found people to fill the void of friendship and acquaitanceship that I did not have years ago, hence the obsession with my best friend in middle school.

I was having a conversation with my parents this morning regarding obsessions and how they have all been over a person that was close to me at a moment in my life. I have learned over my 32 years that friendship is a temporary state that lasts for a few months to a few years, and then either person drifts away or into acquaintance territory. Things have gone much better with my middle school friend who was my default obsession when I incorporated this train of thought. I see him as no more or different than the people from church, co-workers or the people from my other volunteer activities.


This is what I'm trying to do. I've taken up cycling as another hobby to fill my time, and I've been trying to talk to other people more instead of her. I've found that it's quite hard to stop thinking about her, so that's why I have hide her from my Facebook home page or whatever that's called, so that I can hopefully ignore her at least for the next couple days, and give her her space that she needs.
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lotusblossom
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 3106

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know how you feel Sad

Im completly obsessed with my ex. Every waking minute is taken up by thinking about him and ruminating and lamenting. Its been a couple of months since I last saw him but Im still as bad as day one, its really painful and awful.

Ive tried doing stuff and trying interests but everything reminds me of him and all thoughts turn back to him.

Im sorry that is not helpful as I dont know how to make it better but at least you know other people feel the same as you.

people tell me time heals all, lets hope that is true.
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jdcnosse
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 13, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 613
Location: Tucson

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lotusblossom wrote:
I know how you feel Sad

Im completly obsessed with my ex. Every waking minute is taken up by thinking about him and ruminating and lamenting. Its been a couple of months since I last saw him but Im still as bad as day one, its really painful and awful.

Ive tried doing stuff and trying interests but everything reminds me of him and all thoughts turn back to him.

Im sorry that is not helpful as I dont know how to make it better but at least you know other people feel the same as you.

people tell me time heals all, lets hope that is true.


I just effed it up completely. I deserve a dirt nap.
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Aspie score: 110/200, Neurotypical score: 89/200. Apparently I have Aspie and NT traits.
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lotusblossom
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 3106

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jdcnosse wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
I know how you feel Sad

Im completly obsessed with my ex. Every waking minute is taken up by thinking about him and ruminating and lamenting. Its been a couple of months since I last saw him but Im still as bad as day one, its really painful and awful.

Ive tried doing stuff and trying interests but everything reminds me of him and all thoughts turn back to him.

Im sorry that is not helpful as I dont know how to make it better but at least you know other people feel the same as you.

people tell me time heals all, lets hope that is true.


I just effed it up completely. I deserve a dirt nap.

me too, I hate myself so much Crying or Very sad
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jdcnosse
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jun 13, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 613
Location: Tucson

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lotusblossom wrote:
jdcnosse wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
I know how you feel Sad

Im completly obsessed with my ex. Every waking minute is taken up by thinking about him and ruminating and lamenting. Its been a couple of months since I last saw him but Im still as bad as day one, its really painful and awful.

Ive tried doing stuff and trying interests but everything reminds me of him and all thoughts turn back to him.

Im sorry that is not helpful as I dont know how to make it better but at least you know other people feel the same as you.

people tell me time heals all, lets hope that is true.


I just effed it up completely. I deserve a dirt nap.

me too, I hate myself so much Crying or Very sad


I can't leave her alone, and I just made a comment about her and her bf and she should get with me instead of him.
_________________
Aspie score: 110/200, Neurotypical score: 89/200. Apparently I have Aspie and NT traits.
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lotusblossom
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 3106

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jdcnosse wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
jdcnosse wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
I know how you feel Sad

Im completly obsessed with my ex. Every waking minute is taken up by thinking about him and ruminating and lamenting. Its been a couple of months since I last saw him but Im still as bad as day one, its really painful and awful.

Ive tried doing stuff and trying interests but everything reminds me of him and all thoughts turn back to him.

Im sorry that is not helpful as I dont know how to make it better but at least you know other people feel the same as you.

people tell me time heals all, lets hope that is true.


I just effed it up completely. I deserve a dirt nap.

me too, I hate myself so much Crying or Very sad


I can't leave her alone, and I just made a comment about her and her bf and she should get with me instead of him.

its so hard, I dont know what you can do. I couldnt control myself if I saw stuff about my ex dating, I think a person would need very strong will power to ignore it or say nothing.

its so hard and painful and difficult Sad
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passionatebach
Velociraptor
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Joined: Nov 09, 2009
Age: 36
Posts: 427
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I do agree with the statement about it taking time to get over someone, and then you don't totally move on from them. They ate like a trigger ready to be pulled at any time.

It has been probably 6-7 years since I had talked to my default obsession before. After he got rather terse with me, I was depressed about it for awhile. The next year, I got involved in the local political scene and through that, found a church that I have come to call my spiritual home. These events alone did not totally get me over this person, because I would talk about him and having a friendship with him with the people at church. In 2008, the city that I live in suffered a multi-billion dollar flood. Due to the activities that I am involved in, this got me overly involved in the recovery processes. I didn't have time to think about him. It also didn't hurt that I started a new job during the flood as well.

Even though the cards of dynamics have allowed him to come back into my life, due to the flood and the activities that the event caused me to get involved with, I don't consistantly think about him like I used to. We have shared a few congenial conversations on Facebook and once on the phone, but that has been the jest of it. I look back now and feel that I was trying for years to rekindle the close childhood friendship that we had with one another. I have come to learn that would be inappropriate.

I have another friend that I have been having problems with as well. Part of the reason that I moved on from my default obsession, was that I became obsessed with this person. I have noticed that the only way to get over a person is to obsess with another person. This person was the mayor of a bedroom community outside the city that I live in. His city was impacted by the 2008 flood as well. He was a childhood playmate of mine, so I thought it was my place to help him. I have to admit that I was a little obsessed with him and his community, so this along with stress probably explains why he got nasty with me. Even though that happened two years ago, I still cannot seem to get any e-mails, phone calls or letters returned from him. I am starting to move on from him as well, but it has been a hard process.

Unfortunately, due to the social difficulties that people with AS/autism have with friendships, we have the tendency to look at them as an end to all means. I have learned that I get along with people (even those that I was obsessed with), if I view them as an acquaitance than a close friend. People want distance in their relationships, and don't want to answer to you every moment.
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jdcnosse
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 13, 2010
Age: 25
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Location: Tucson

PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The hardest part for me, was when we first met and dated, we were together all day every day. Like I was her support or something. And now, she wants space. And is dating some guy. And I doubt we'll ever get back together because even though logcially I know it's bad to act this way, I don't know why I keep doing it.

I think I need to like move away. Or pull an Alexander Supertramp. (reference here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Supertramp)
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Aspie score: 110/200, Neurotypical score: 89/200. Apparently I have Aspie and NT traits.
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curlyfry
come out from among them and be ye curly
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Joined: Jun 14, 2010
Age: 45
Posts: 1501
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have to remember she is younger and feared the relationship was becoming too serious for her to handle.
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lotusblossom
Phoenix
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Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 3106

PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jdcnosse wrote:
The hardest part for me, was when we first met and dated, we were together all day every day. Like I was her support or something. And now, she wants space. And is dating some guy. And I doubt we'll ever get back together because even though logcially I know it's bad to act this way, I don't know why I keep doing it.

I think I need to like move away. Or pull an Alexander Supertramp. (reference here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Supertramp)

I know how you feel there is something very attractive/romantic about Alexander supertramp.

Im going to get rid of my computer later today as I think thats the only answer, Im too lazy to go to an internet cafe or the library so it will stop me checking what he does online or checking to see if he has emailed me. I cant carry on as I am, torturing myself and making myself ill, so its better to have the inconvenience of no internet rather than keep doing this to myself.
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Mutate
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: May 11, 2005
Posts: 501

PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 5:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lotusblossom wrote:
jdcnosse wrote:
The hardest part for me, was when we first met and dated, we were together all day every day. Like I was her support or something. And now, she wants space. And is dating some guy. And I doubt we'll ever get back together because even though logcially I know it's bad to act this way, I don't know why I keep doing it.

I think I need to like move away. Or pull an Alexander Supertramp. (reference here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Supertramp)

I know how you feel there is something very attractive/romantic about Alexander supertramp.

Im going to get rid of my computer later today as I think thats the only answer, Im too lazy to go to an internet cafe or the library so it will stop me checking what he does online or checking to see if he has emailed me. I cant carry on as I am, torturing myself and making myself ill, so its better to have the inconvenience of no internet rather than keep doing this to myself.


I hate you for how you answer me on this thread (LINK). I feel completely utterly humiliated and useless by your answers there and how you see me. When ever i feel tempted to text you or mail you and feel sad or miss you, all i do is look at that thread (and remember the accompanying real life conversations and times) and remember how utterly utterly crap and worthless you can make me feel. You have a right to believe that men should not fight or stand up for their family, but i feel miserable and horrible, i wish you ever cared about that.
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lotusblossom
Phoenix
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Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 3106

PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 5:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mutate wrote:
lotusblossom wrote:
jdcnosse wrote:
The hardest part for me, was when we first met and dated, we were together all day every day. Like I was her support or something. And now, she wants space. And is dating some guy. And I doubt we'll ever get back together because even though logcially I know it's bad to act this way, I don't know why I keep doing it.

I think I need to like move away. Or pull an Alexander Supertramp. (reference here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Supertramp)

I know how you feel there is something very attractive/romantic about Alexander supertramp.

Im going to get rid of my computer later today as I think thats the only answer, Im too lazy to go to an internet cafe or the library so it will stop me checking what he does online or checking to see if he has emailed me. I cant carry on as I am, torturing myself and making myself ill, so its better to have the inconvenience of no internet rather than keep doing this to myself.


I hate you for how you answer me on this thread (LINK). I feel completely utterly humiliated and useless by your answers there and how you see me. When ever i feel tempted to text you or mail you and feel sad or miss you, all i do is look at that thread (and remember the accompanying real life conversations and times) and remember how utterly utterly crap and worthless you can make me feel. You have a right to believe that men should not fight or stand up for their family, but i feel miserable and horrible, i wish you ever cared about that.

Im sorry Sad
my intention was to make you feel better, Im not any good at that and always make you feel worse Sad

your right to not see me as I only make you unhappy, dont feel guilty you have to do the right thing for yourself. It will be easier for you when I stop coming here as I appreciate it must be upsetting for you to read me posting emo drivel.

Im sorry for all the many things Ive done which have upset you or made you cross, I wanted to make you happy and I was not any good at it, Im sorry.
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Mutate
Phoenix
Phoenix


Joined: May 11, 2005
Posts: 501

PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

dont get rid of your PC. i might post some critisism of you tonite and you wont want to be curious and sleepless about it. Cool
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