mild aspergers and relationships

Post Reply New Topic

hi im new to here and would love to hear what you think here goes my 18 daughter has just started dating a really nice young man who has mild aspergers.he is very high functioning has lots of friends,works very hard etc and i would very much doubt many people would suspect he has aspergers.
hes a real sweetheart kind,caring but hes way over the top in the fact hes so smitten with my daughter,he txts phones all the time and basically tell anyone and everyone how much he adores her where ever they go.hes met all her friends and hes made so much effort to get on with them and they all really like him,he also keeps telling them he promises to look after her and hes going to make her really happy.the reason why im concerned is the other day they went out in a group of friends his and hers mixed,my daughters friend just before they wanted to go home asked to speak to my daughter in the toilet was nothing important just girly gossip and she was only gone about 5 mins but when my daughter and her b/f left on their own he burst into tears he had got the idea in his head my daughter was going to dump him. my daughter reasured him the thought hadnt even entered her head .she has told me how much his over reaction shocked her but its not put her off him. i will be honest im a bit worried before everyone jumps on me i have a brother who has aspergers but its much more severe than my daughters b/f,so i do have experience of aspergers but in my brothers case he is very much a loner and happy being that way he has never dated nor would he be interested in doing so.

A... my daughters not that long came out of a long relationship and had a really rough time with her x b/f ,im wary this new b/f is way over the top which at the moment shes enjoying.but hes so obsessed with her im worried that shes just an obsession that he made trade in for something else. in other words im not sure what hes feeling right now is genuine.

B... im worried for the b/f like i say my daughters just come out of a long relationship.i know my daughter and im not sure how she will cope if he gets upset over silly things she can be very straight talking and blunt sometimes and has little paitence for insecurity. being as i have a brother with aspergers i see this young man as being vulnable and that concerns me.

what i wanted to ask is there any adults with aspergers that are in or had relationships,how do you cope in relationships and what do you think about my post.any advice would be appreciated.

I have a similar diagnosis and all I can say is living under the mental weight of having to think about all those things that are just intuition to other people is very taxing and stressful. I could see myself getting pent up because I am unsure if I can trust someone. I know ultimately that in a relationship I only know as much as they are willing to tell me.

I have the very concern about obsessions you described in A. I'm not sure at all if it is more worth trying or if it's not my right to roll the dice with someone else's feeling like that if mine are not at stake. I know that I've hurt people in the past without even noticing and I have that fear that I'll do it again. So I think if I can understand the situation from that angle he might too.

Regards,
Eldanesh

Hmmm.....ASD aside, I'd be kind of concerned with anyone who seems like they're making long term plans with my 18-year-old daughter so soon in a relationship. Promising to "look after her" implies that he has some long-term goals for their relationship already - that doesn't seem appropriate to me.

As far as his obsessive behavior, some Aspie men have been known to go full throttle when courting a woman. They put a lot of energy into "locking down" the relationship, and when they believe they've succeeded in "winning" the object of their affection, their behavior changes. Some Aspie men have been known to make a woman their "special interest" and pursue them rather relentlessly. If the woman is receptive, there's not necessarily a problem - until the obsession changes, and they're suddenly no longer "in love" with the lady involved. Heartbreak ensues.

I don't know if your daughter's bf is engaging in either of the behaviors I've mentioned. I don't believe you mentioned how old he is, but I'm assuming they're peers. If he's more than a few years older than your daughter, that's another reason I'd be concerned with his behavior.

My suggestion is that you and/or your daughter read through the posts on this forum, and do some research on ASD. There certainly isn't one kind of Aspie (clearly your brother and this young man are quite different), and I really don't know about this guy's character - his family, his background, prior relationships, etc. Those characteristics are at least as important as his neural status in determining if he and your daughter might make a good match.

this is the thing my brother is quite classic aspergers he has the most amazing photographic memory,has his fads,has no social skills,no friends,he is more or less agoraphobic and happy in his own world. my daughters b/f is 19 and she is 18, knowing he has aspergers i can see some traits but clearly he is so very different to my brother.i know this boy has had one long relationship before which lasted for over a year. thanks for answering is good to get others imput, i guess only time will tell but i am going to talk to my daughter about she needs to always make things clearer to him.

Being a Aspie myself i remember very well what is was like trying to date in High School and after that. Chances are he never really had a serious relationship before he started to date your daughter maybe he said that because he does not want you to think he is weird. I understand that I am 38 years old and I do not tell people I have never been married they react weird about it I have had 2 long term relationships they just never got to the marriage point for me. I think his behavior proves that your daughter is most likely the first real girlfriend he ever had so cut the kid a break for being excited chances are he never even got his hand up a girls shirt until your daughter came along and that is a natural thing for 18 year old guys to do Aspie are not. I was like that kind of obsessive at first he will calm down. Being in a relationship can provide a sense of normalcy that he maybe is not use to as a Aspie you spend most of your life painfully aware your different and you just have to learn to embrace it. He probably is the type of kid you would call a nice guy maybe to nice as some girls called me. I do not even tell people i have Asperger's some people at my job know but only after the fact i have been there 5 years and only a few know even though my Asperger's has caused some problems with my ability to socialize at work and get along with some people. Don't be so ready to label this kid.

My husband has mild asperger's, and I was his first girlfriend. He is very sweet, honest and tries hard to please. However growing up, he was bullied and often felt socially isolated, ( he was diagnosed in his mid twenties ) even though he is a very social social person, even more so than me.

I think having a significant other means so much more to him because it has been a tougher journey to connect and share emotional closeness.

His experience of emotional closeness, can be very intense and he expresses his enthusiasm about being married and in love to family friends and others. It can be a little overwhelming for me sometimes, but on the whole it is great to feel so loved. Yes, men with mild asperger's have alot to give.

But growing up and finding what suits in a relationship is a journey that cannot be rushed. , so this young man may just need some support around managing his emotions, after all it is his first time. The young lady too, should be guided and supported in a way that is pressure free.

artalis

I'm on the milder end myself. I haven't much luck in relationships but it sounds like the guy is in the initial obsession phase; like this girl is his new interest. I've been that way before but I've had learn to resist obsessing, over-thinking, and desiring to be with that person constantly. It helps to have something else to do, something else he could turn that obsessive side of himself to so he doesn't overfocus on her. Relationships have to have to equal amounts of interest and effort from both parties, if it's way out of whack, then that's when things become awkward or uncomfortable.

Just let him know he doesn't have to rush and relax, and to just let things happen as they happen.

Honestly, if she's just out of a bad relationship he sounds perfect for her. And if it doesn't work out long term, well, so be it. I wouldn't worry; it's their lives and if they do end up heart broken, well, that heals over time, aspie or not.

sallyfisher, How many 18 year olds actually end up marrying their boyfriend? Not many.

And even if she did he would probably be loving and loyal, so don't worry.

Just let them get on with their relationship.

Your daughter's bf does sound like he's a little bit obsessive, but I'm sure as time passes their relationship will calm down a bit. What's important is that they both care about one another. It seems that this guy cares a lot about your daughter, so I would think that that would be a big plus. I mean she could have dated the (pardon the French) douchebag down the street, the drug dealer on the other side of town, or multiple other relationships that would be unhealthy. But instead she has a guy who cares about her and is not likely to get her into any trouble. What more could a parent ask for?

My gf and I are both mild Aspies. We'll have been dating for a whole year come March 2011, I seriously care for her well-being and happiness, and she has the exact same feelings for me. Our relationship very well could have the potential to extend into marriage and beyond; we've already discussed the prospect, although I'm going to hold off on popping the question for at least a few years or so, until I finish college and she has a chance to stablize her life. If our relationship is anything like the one your daughter shares with this young man, then I say she's pretty lucky.

Your question really reminds me of my own relationship. I'm "mild" AS and I have been with my husband since I was 19 - nearly 20 years now. Your daughter's boyfriend sounds quite like me. I'm obsessive and I need a lot of reassurance. We have a great marriage but we do have to work very hard because it's much easier for there to be misunderstanings between us because I can't put myself "in his shoes" - I have to ask a lot of questions and he has to be very understanding of this, and very specific whern we are talking about feelings. I can get very frustrated and confused and it can be quite frightening if I dont understand what's going on. We're used to it but I'm sure if NTs listened to our conversations they might seem very specific and strange. I know it's hard for my husband to work around my needs, and I wish I could have more empathy than I do, but there are advantages too. I'm very loyal, he will never have to worry that I will stray, and I'm an open book, I won't decieve him.

In the situation where your daughter was gone for 5 minutes - if that was me, I'd panic too, because if I haven't made arrangements, if I don't know what the plan is, I panic because I don't know what's going on. So my husband and I make very specific plans all the time. For example, if we're out and I go to the bathroom in a shop, and we arrange that he will be standing in one place waiting for me, if he gets distracted by something on a shelf and moves 10 feet away to look at something, I go to the initial place and he's not there - I panic, and when I start to panic, I don't always remember to just look around and see if he moved a bit. It sounds ridiculous writing it down, but in the moment, my focus narrows and I panic.

Anyway, I've rambled, sorry! But I guess I'm trying to say that people like me can have long term, happy relationships This boy sounds lovely. Whether they have a short or a long relationship, it's great to feel adored and your daughter sounds pretty sensible too.

xx

Don't know if this will help, but I actually had a similar experience with my last boyfriend, who I'm pretty sure had AS but was not officially diagnosed with anything. Also a smart, nice, hard-working guy, he wanted to talk on the phone or on instant messaging all the time, even if we didn't have anything to say, and he was clearly a little obsessed. One night, we were talking and I was called away to have a really important conversation with family. I told him something to that effect and that I wouldn't be able to talk for a little bit, but I'd call back in a while. In the middle of the conversation, he called and I didn't pick up. He called back again, and again. I finally picked up and told him I couldn't talk just then, and I would call him back. Turned out he didn't understand what was going on and thought I was dumping him, and couldn't understand why. So he freaked out, called me some more, and called our house in a way that made my stepmom think he was an insane stalker. He had never acted that way before and, like your daughter, I was unnerved.

The reason he was so clingy and reacted in this extreme a way was that, like many people with AS, he was mistreated and ostracized all thorughout his childhood, had never had a girlfriend, and thought he was unlovable. It didn't help that his parents, who were a real case, treated him as the least favored child and everyone in the huge, close-knit family pretty much ignored him. It was a REALLY BIG DEAL that he had any girlfriend at all, let alone someone he actually liked, so he got clingy. He was, like some people with AS, rather rigid in his thinking, but he was a good person and not in the least dangerous. By the way, we were able to break up without any drama a year later when we both realized we weren't right for each other. (I actually delayed breaking up with him for several months because I was afraid he would overreact again if I did).

Hopefully, your daughter's boyfriend is like this guy. If so, he's completely genuine, and he's not likely to stalk her (unless wanting to be in constant conversation with her counts as stalking). It'd be more likely that she'd hurt him than vice versa. If she's playing the same role I was in this relationship, then she probably appreciates the attention, likes feeling needed, and enjoys the fact that she can see in this boy something that no one else has been able to see. Odds are the relationship won't last, and I hope your daughter won't put off breaking up with him to keep him from reacting that way again.

Have you talked to your daughter at all about your concerns? Since she seems very attached to him, she might appreciate your worry that he might get hurt?

Honestly. Mosiac probably has this right in some respects.
If anything I would not interfere and try to let this play out as much as possible, your daughter needs to make her own mistakes and I think it can be rather cumbersome when parents meddle to much in romantic relationships. Your daughter being blunt is probably going to be helpful, in some ways for somebody on the spectrum this is good.

Either way it will be a learning experience for both, which is what most young love is.

I would not worry to much about the stalking thing, he doesn't seem the type from what you have written. He seems a little damaged, but that is the case for most of us. If anything the relationship will help them both, even if it does not last.

It sounds like you're doing a good job of raising your daughter.

Yes, this young man need a lot of assurance. But understanding his background, I hope you can understand why. He's probably had so many people stab him in the back that it's a wonder that he has any back-bone left. Encourage your daughter create reasonable boundaries, and then have her be direct with him about what they are. He needs boundaries and will function better if he knows exactly what they are. In fact, having well established and defined boundaries can go a long way in building trust.

I hope this is a start.

Speaking as someone who has mild Aspergers and has never been in a relationship, he's probably just thrilled that he's even got a girl interested in him.

Things aren't easy for guys like us. People react negatively to us and, has been mentioned, stab us in the back.

It sounds like the relationship is healthy, except for the obsessiveness. And that is an Aspie trait, and something your daughter will have to deal with. She's the one in the relationship with him, not you.