Self destructive Meltdown

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My teen is going thru a self destructive meltdown and while we're proud of ourselves finding a better balance in dealing (or not dealing) with this while he's amping, he's provoking even more. He's acting like his abusive step-father he's been removed from, but the words and behaviors are coming out like a clone.

While he's been doing a good job balancing his school, friends, Asperger social group and his school activities, he is now asserting that he will now fail his grades, quit his groups and school sport and do whatever he wants whenever he wants. We are not reacting, and realize ultimately he will pull out of this and we can talk. He may actually do damage do his grades and quit his activities - I guess that's the downside. And although I realize these are not life ending issues, I still find it difficult to experience him sabotaging himself time and again without being able to help him. While his Asperger group is of some help, it really is only a social group and most kids are younger. I think they end up having him look after the younger kids most of the time, which frankly is one of the things we've worked so hard on - to get him socializing with kids his own age.

I just cannot find a true Asperger counselor for teen boys in the East - Phoenix area and I'd give my right arm for one here tonight!

It's not enough to have Asperger/Spectrum disorder, but also abusive parenting for 15 years. Ugh!

So sorry to hear you're having struggles. Wish I had experience to offer you.

Have you tried bringing your son to WrongPlanet? Maybe he'll find some help here on the kid's board.

It sounds like you have to work your son on multiple levels usually a variety of protocols. Having AS does not, after all, prevent a child from having "normal" anger management or coping issues, and while there may need to be some adjustment to the protocol when someone with AS has issues that aren't related to the AS, they remain issues that need to be dealt with separately.

In my experience, if something is generated by the AS, being understanding and patient gets the best results. But if something is generated from a different source, being more of a traditional strict mommy works better.

Here's my thought: meltdowns are immediate. A meltdown cannot create a plan to self-destruct grades at some point in the future. You'll get a lot of angry talk in a meltdown, but someone in a meltdown is lashing out, not planning. If your child is creating plans that he has the ability to follow through on, then it's not a meltdown situation.

Sorry you have are having difficulty with the counselor situation. Perhaps your son would do well in a group that is age appropriate but not AS focused. My son did an anger/stress management series years ago that proved quite helpful to him even though it was not AS specific. He went to the first meeting on a trial, and found it productive, so he stuck with it. Sometimes you just don't know what will hit home and meet the need.

Maybe I'm way off-base, but just to toss this thought out for you to evaluate yourself... it sounds like maybe he's overstressed. Like, he's been trying hard, getting tired, and instead of push himself until he burns out and maybe doesn't recover, he's decided to quit, because he can't do it anymore, but instead of communicating "I am exhausted and cannot currently do the work required to keep up good grades and such things, and absolutely need a vacation" he's miscommunicated so you think he's saying "I'm just gonna goof off and not do what I'm supposed to because I don't care and I just want to have fun."