tension with spouse over friendship

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For the past 2 years I have had a male friend who has been like the first real friendship I've had besides my wife for several years and it's been a cause of a lot of friction with my wife. I've done stuff with him about 3 times a year, no I am not partying every weekend, but every time she has ended up pissed off at me. I'm trying to understand what the problem is and I'm just not getting it. She may very well have some valid points, it's just like I can't wrap my head around it and make sense of what she is saying I think because it's a feeling thing and not a logical or rational thing. Anybody get into this type of situation and managed to make it work somehow? I just feel resigned about it, like I'm not happy about it, but I can't figure out a way to make it work and keep my wife happy. His birthday was a couple weeks ago and he had a birthday party I made up some lame excuse why I couldn't be there and didn't even bother to ask my wife about it. His wife is totally different from my wife they do not have anything in common, so that approach is not going to work.

That really sucks. Why does she have a problem with the friendship? Does she have a reason to be worried when you're with him, like have you done anything questionable?

Has your wife listed any specific things that you have done that have upset her?

A lot of times when women get upset with their boyfriends or husbands over issues with the boyfriend or husband's friends, barring the women has no jealousy issues, it's frequently because the man becomes a little irresponsible and disrespectful of his wife or their relationship in some way, and even positions himself as her adversary by making snide remarks to her in the presence of his friends. A lot of time the boyfriend's or husbands may not be aware they are acting this way. (I'm sure there are women that do similar things, but it's not applicable to the OP's situation).

Here are some things which might help if this is the case.
1. The tone you use with your wife, and the level of respect you have for your relationship with her, should not change in the presence of your friends.

2. Do not use your wife as a means of looking cool to your friends one way or another. (Think teenagers using their parents to look cool by being disrespectful to them).

3. Your wife should theoretically come before your friends.

Or I should say, your relationship should be such that your wife is both clear on your emotional needs, and knows what needs she needs to respect, and when (because you communicate this to her in a way she can understand) and likewise you should be able to do the same for your wife's needs. Sometimes spouses make unreasonable demands in the sense that they are both emotionally off base and simultaneously do not understand the needs of their partner, not in the sense that they are being illogical.

For example, it's reasonable for man to go watch a game or see a movie with his male friends a few times a month, if it's financially feasible and he has no other obligations at the time, and it would be unreasonable for a woman to insist her husband spend all of his free time with her.

I think I would just sit down with your wife, take her by the hand, tell her you love her very much and don't want her to be upset, and ask her to explain to you why she is getting upset.

Don't try to defend yourself during this process. This is entirely for listening. You will probably find that she doesn't really have a problem with you going out with your friend, and that the point of her anger (she is likely actually hurt and not angry) lies in an attitude you take on around him.


Or option B, she could be unreasonable, but I don't think you should assume that at this point because it will result in a fight that could cause permanent damage to your marriage.

does your wife simply not like this person? And thus resents any time you spend with him? (if this is one of those "well if they're not my friend too then they SHOULDN'T be YOUR friend either! *snort stomp huff*" routines, she's being completely unreasonable).

Complaining about contact a mere 3 times a year? WTF. Seriously. Even if she doesn't like the person, that's just insane.

Last edited by Shebakoby on 03 Mar 2011, 2:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

cdslashetc,

You can't keep your wife happy. She wants to own you body and soul and keep you on a leash like a dog.

The more you knuckle under to her the more she will dominate you. If you stand up her you will make her angry.

But perhaps this is a fight you must have unless you are content to be henpecked for the rest of your life.

Catch 22. If you DO give into her you might be surprised when she loses all respect for you and leaves you for a "real man".

I don't think it's as simple as my wife is just henpecking me. I think part of the problem for me is my lack of empathy. It's like a discussion I had with my psychiatrist about these times where somebody lists a series of events and from the other person's perspective, there is some kind of underlying theme that connects the events together, and I can remember factually what happened in a lot of detail, but for me it just seems like a series of disconnected events because the social subtext is absent. One thing that has been pretty consistent is that I grossly underestimate how long certain things are going to take, which seems to be a problem for me in general, for example I plan to go to a movie with this friend and don't think to check how long the movie is and add time for previews etc, the time I thought I was going to be home passes and eventually my wife calls pissed off that I'm not home. My wife says she feels ignored, like when I'm home I'm not really there either. I think I have become more self-absorbed in the past few years. I'd have to say it started with a World of Warcraft addiction off and on 2007-2009 and also worsening Crohn's Disease. But she also has some sort of problem with this specific person, she says she thinks that it is a bit irrational on her part she doesn't really understand why she has a problem with this person. She says she feels ignored and like I am making her the bad guy. The past 6 months things have really sucked at work, and I've been really anxious about that, and that's always there in the back of my mind. There was a day at work when something happened I don't remember what exactly and I was like f**k this s**t I left work early and went and hung out with my friend and came home late. I've got to remember what that was exactly that could be important. Another thing that is going on is our daughter also has AS she's 11 years old but needier probably than a typical 11 year old. I've been married for 17 years and known my wife for 23 years, I'm going to be 42 in April, so it's not like I'm young and just been married for a couple years and my wife is just a selfish b***h. Where I'm at I feel like I'm being pulled in a dozen different directions, that if I get one area of my life under control, some other area gets neglected, my wife says she feels the same way. I feel like I can't win, overwhelmed, that I can't possibly make everything work out OK. Plus on top of it all my parents and her parents just sort of announced that they are going to come visit, though not at the same time, like this is supposed to be some sort of wonderful treat for us, but it's not, to be honest it's an unwelcomed imposition. Thinking about it the time I spend with my friend probably is like a selfish escape, it's kind of like I can't make everybody happy so f**k everybody, I'm going to go be an irresponsible kid for a few hours because I can't deal with all this s**t.

Bolded what I'm guessing is the problem. Your wife can't think of anything bad about this person. She really doesn't have a problem with him at all as a person and so can't understand why it angers her when you hang out with him. He's a perfectly decent person and she knows it. I think the problem is that she's jealous. You have a very small reserve of attention that can be paid to another person and you're using all that reserve on him. This must become especially aggravating if you lose track of time and spend more time with him than you had told her you would. It's as though you aren't willing to pay any attention to her but are willing to run over-budget for him and pay even more attention to him (spend more time with him) than you'd originally planned.

Find things to do with your wife and she will probably stop feeling jealous that you find things to do with him.

Yeah, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Also, my wife seems a bit insecure lately, I am not sure what is up with that. I guess having an SO who is an Aspie isn't exactly a confidence booster, emotional stroking is not something that comes naturally and when I try it probably sounds forced because it is. It's all very confusing to me and she doesn't seem to understand how I could be confused when it seems so obvious to her what the problem is. I'm like I'm trying to get it, but I just don't, and I'm beginning to wonder if I should just lie and say yes I understand even though I don't because "it's the right thing to say".

In a healthy relationship you build a life together but also have a life apart.

The guy goes golfing or hunting with his friends or is a Mason or something.

The wife hangs out with her girlfriends or takes pottery classes or gets involved with church activities or whatever.

As long as you are not "cheating" on each other then what's the problem?

As others have mentioned, there can still be some degree of neglect in a relationship that causes problems. There's more to sustaining a healthy long-term relationship besides not cheating. If a person feels ignored by his/her partner but then notices that said partner magically has ample time and interest for other people or activities, it can be upsetting. I agree that having a rich life outside of a relationship is good for everyone involved. The issue, though, is whether you're still attending to the needs of your partner / the relationship while you do these things. Neglecting your spouse or being disrespectful (i.e. never calling to say you'll be late when you've already agreed ahead of time to call) is a separate issue from having outside interests, and having outside interests isn't helpful to a relationship if you're doing them at the expense of your relationship. I guess it's an issue of balancing the two.

As with many things, it's not necessarily what you're doing but the way you're doing it that affects how others react to it.

My wife told me that she realized that it doesn't have anything to do with my friend just like Janissy said, that it is that we haven't been doing activities as a family, for the most part I'm either doing stuff with my computers or just moping, which is true. Depression has definitely been a problem, I'm on medication for that, plus I'm also anxious about getting sick or injuring myself and then having to miss work--which has happened on several occasions. Things at work have been tense because our biggest contract has been sort of in bureaucratic limbo for almost a year now, it's getting very close to finally being renewed, but there's been a lot of stress about getting billable work and to be honest the person who is supposed to be bringing in new work isn't doing a very good job, but that's not something that I'm good at either and not supposed to be part of my job. I remembered that the incident when I left work early was when I found out about a problem with the contract renewal process and called my boss to tell him what was going on, and of course he was really upset about it. Intellectually, I knew that he was not upset with me personally and he was just frustrated with the process, but I had a really hard time with that and had a meltdown, then went to hang out with my friend who had the day off because my wife was still at work. But I think my wife was kind of bothered that I went to someone else seeking comfort instead of her and that's where the jealousy came in. My boss knows that I have Asperger's and we had a conversation about that incident right after it happened and he assured me that it didn't have anything to do with me, and I said that intellectually I knew that that it's sort of my knee jerk reaction.

Imagine this. You and another guy need navigate a heavy, cumbersome, fragile and expensive object out of a house with narrow doorways, down a flight of stairs, and into a truck.

I've noticed that most men seem to do very well at this type of task because they can form the game plan in their head, imagine how the object should be manipulated, and properly communicate what they think needs to be done, which way the object needs to be turned, and what they are going to do next to the other guy. In other words, most men seem to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and intentions with respect to such a task, very well, and they are able to work as a team to load the object into the truck. If one person fails to communicate properly, and does not view he and the other guy as two components of the same system, then they will not be able to easily load the object into the truck.

Now imagine your wife is the other guy and the object is anything pertaining to your relationship with her.

You need to be sure to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and intentions, and any problems you might encounter which are pertinent to her or some aspect of your relationship. If you are about to drop a heavy object, you say to the other guy "wait a minute, let me get a better grip," or "wait a minute, I have to set it down for a second." You need to keep similar active communication channels with your wife with respect to your relationship with her.

If you are going to be late, and didn't intend to be, just call her. Tell her you are running late.

If you had a bad day at work and need to go out to wind down, call her and tell her "I had a bad day at work and it really upset me. I need to go after work to calm down because I don't want to come home mad and upset. I expect to be home by this time and if I'm not going to be, then I'll call."

Also be sure to get a status check from her from time to time. When you are moving a heavy object with another guy, you typically might ask things like "are you ready?" or "you got it?" when you are about to turn the object in some way, go down a flight of stairs, of have been carrying it for some time. You need to get similar status reports from your wife by asking things like "How was your day?" "Would you mind if (whatever)?"

I've found it's generally most optimal to determine the condition of another person before discussing my own condition. I've learned to do a lot of checking with other people in social situations or relationships, much as a blind person might ask "are you smiling or frowning?"





In other words, you need to communicate your thoughts, feelings, and intentions to your wife.

I think Chronos makes some great points here.

Chronos, that was a brilliant post. Very true and very perceptive.