Wish I were dead

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I don't want to live anymore. The pain of feeling like the wrong gender is too much now, and is ruining my sense of self.

With my body shape, no matter what I do, I'll never look like a woman. Even my therapist and a few gender specialists have said so. They want me to lower my expectations - to live somewhere in between man and woman - since I could never pass as fully female.

If I can't be a woman, I'm better off dead. Living "in between" isn't going to help me feel any better.

I'm posting this here because I have nowhere else to go.

Why do you care so much about appearances?

Those "specialists" seem like frauds to me.

Unfortunately I have no advice to offer other than maybe posting in LGBT too as you might get a bigger audience with people who may understand at least some of what you're going through. The one thing I can offer is I've known of a lot of people live happy lives in a state of 'inbetween', maybe a change of town could help if there's no scene to go to?

Hope you get some help and don't do anything silly. There are people to at least talk to here.

edit: I meant the LGBT forum here on WP, if you're not already aware of it: http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum36.html

I'm so sorry that you're having this struggle and feeling so low.

You know, women come in all shapes and sizes, so unless they expect you to look like society's stereotype of what a woman should look like, then it shouldn't matter. Women who were born female, but don't conform to that stereotype aren't told that they have to live "in-between" so why should you?

Hugg Kittylover,

You are a woman if you know you are, and everyone will see u as a woman if know u are.

These people sound like they don't know anything, don't listen to them.

I've seen people who were born women have the bodies and faces of men. There is no specific "look" to a woman.

I think you might find comfort in the words of the poet Sonya Renee Taylor.
She wrote an uplifting poem entitled The Body is not an Apology.
Nothing can compare with her live performance, but for now this recording will have to suffice:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fA4Ymvf4Qek[/youtube]I could never say it better than she does, but I must reiterate the sentiment that we should NOT feel ashamed or apologetic of our bodies.
You can find people's experiences with this struggle for dignity with their body on the growing facebook movement: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Body- ... 7573156278

Before you do anything rash, I would encourage you to explore the help resources available at To Write Love on Her Arms,
a larger movement which promotes similar values of dignity and self-esteem: http://www.twloha.com/find-help/

Agreed. Obviously I have no idea what you look like, but there are women (and men) of all shapes and sizes. Some people find it a lot easier than others to "pass" as the gender they identify as, and they're lucky bastards lol, but that doesn't mean there are people who can't at all. I don't think so anyway.

Are you planning hormones/surgery? Because while they can't change everything and certain things will always be more masculine about you, evven hormones alone can do a lot. And it's often the parts of you that you'd least expect which are the parts that can be the difference between looking male or female.

And you don't have to live somewhere between man and woman if that's not who you are. In fact that would probably be more difficult, as society is geared towards people who are one or the other, not inbetweens. As long as you don't do it over-the-top (as in making yourself just look like a bad drag queen), then you can pass as female. You might not ever look as feminine as you'd like, but I'm sure you can look female.

I find it hard to believe any decent gender specialist would tell someone who identifies as a woman to just live life in between. That would be as good as telling you to just give up and live as a man imo, which is obviously BS.

Have you looked up tips on passing online? I'm sure there are plenty of sites for that kind of thing. How about talking to other transwomen and asking them what works for them?

Also, if you feel up to it, you could post a photo of yourself and ask for advice on your body type specifically and what would help. I understand that gender dysphoria can make that very daunting though, but it's just a thought

Yeah, maybe it was bad advice when I mentioned the 'inbetween' people I know, I do live near a very open area which allows for people who want that, which maybe the cases I was thinking about do. I think what many of the other respondants have said about body shapes is very true though, it's far from 100% of the population that fit into societies ideals of what we should look like. I hope you don't mind me using you as an example Volodja but you seem fairly small in your pictures, which isn't the stereotypical male bodytype, yet I know many lads of a similar stature. Being different from the norm doesn't stop you from living the way you wish to successfully either, in your lovelife or anywhere else.

I've been on hormones for 2 years 9 months, and they've hardly done anything. I'm on them through a doctor, too, and I'm taking a high dose. This contributes to my frustration.

I don't have a picture of myself because I can't even look in the mirror anymore.

Do you go to any trans groups? They are the best place to get advice on the best mix of hormones, surgery etc. Maybe your dr is not giving you the right mix? Ive known some people who were not having the results they wanted but when the dr adjusted their dose they had better effects.

This lady is a good therapist and tho based in the uk she does email therapy and msm.
http://www.positivebeams.com/

Women come in all sorts of shapes. Not just those you see in TV. There are plenty of them with broad shoulders, not much waist, flat chest, square jaws...etc. Most are controlled by genetics. The beauty standard nowadays are mostly idealized caucasian models. Many other races/ethnic groups have different ones. I'm bi and always consider large people to be more attractive in both men and women. Honestly if you're not a big pile of fat, you probably already look better than loads of women out there. I see large chunky women everywhere. Because of the way they act, the jewelry, the accessories and the dresses, they still look obviously women.

Hormones not working is not that uncommon, but it is also not a reason to become a statistic. You still have options available to you and killing yourself is not one of them.

I have known plenty of transwomen, even dated a few. Most of the people are right that women have a variety of body types. But facial structure is another issue. I know this may sound cruel, but have you considered facial feminization surgery? From what I can tell it is probably the one surgery that results in the biggest self confidence boost, at least from what I have seen.

Your body may look more female than you realize, but your face and its bone structure may be holding you back. I have seen my fair share of transwomen who opted for BA, when what they could have really benefited from FFS. Please don't take this personally, they looked like bad drag queens with boobs, their facial structure was still predominately male and that did hold them back in life. Those who had FFS just looked like women. The first thing most people look at is each others faces, the first thing you are probably looking at is your face. Do you really want to kill yourself over something that can be fixed.


Also with regards to societal ideals. Many of the women in magazines have intersex syndromes and extensive cosmetic surgeries and are frequently photoshoped. Societies ideal is based upon a genetic anomoly that results often in infertility, surgeries, and imaging technology. I am saying this as a girl who has an intersex syndrome.