Symptom or Core?

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First post here. I'm not much of an aspie I suppose, but can relate to the syndrome. I've come upon this through 'working' with an autistic kid - well, more like playing with him It has been surprising how well we get along and maybe that's just because I'm finally old enough to relax and have fun, or that I feel comfortable with him not judging me as a weirdo but we really do have a blast together. The surprising thing to me is he's really extroverted for a severely autistic person. My theory is autism is largely characterized by it's symptoms and perhaps the core is as 'simple' as the suffering due to over-stimulation and a messed up brain. All sorts of suffering could cause these symptoms. This is just one thought to hang some ideas onto, I know it's not that simple but hang with me.

What I see when he has a meltdown is something going bad in his brain and it's probably happening to a significant degree even when he's fairly calm such that it's really hard to be concerned about other people's feelings when it's so tough just hanging on and maintaining. Especially if people just see the person as behaving weird and pull away; screw that, you aren't in a position to be concerned about people - you have to focus on yourself. The stimming and obsessions are something that you can do to distract yourself and feel better. Other people can't help much if they don't know what you're going through. The neat thing is though, that this kid is getting lots of really supportive help from people who do understand him and are not critical, so he's good with people now. He really likes to be around people and have fun. Once you get over that awkwardness barrier, being around loving people is great for calming you down and feeling good. It is for me anyways, and it is for him.

What is going wrong in the brain, I don't know. Perhaps it's oversensitivity; that makes sense, not just sounds and physical stuff but overstimulated thinking or feeling or even an kind of a moral sense or perceiving reality too clearly, not able to accept the insanity of neurotypical human behavior. I don't get meltdowns, I've always appeared very calm but I am really very anxious, in a repressed kind of way or something. It's hard to put my finger on it because it's always been that way and I think this kid also has no idea how to explain what's happening to him because it's just the way life is and he doesn't know what neurotypical feels like.

Now maybe I'm getting back to symptoms when I talk about resenting neurotypical's acceptance of cruelty and lies as a matter of course. Perhaps that's just resentment that I can't fit in with people or even 'feel comfortable in my own skin'. That phrase sounds loaded with accusations of poor self worth and guilt but maybe it is as 'simple' as that suffering I described, where it literally is very uncomfortable to simply be.

Alright, I'll add some thoughts. And try to keep it in manageable chunks.

First, the thread title: Symptom or Core? is an inquiry as to whether some aspects are shared with folks who have other diagnosis' (depression would be mine, and mild inattentive ADHD) but more interestingly whether some of these symptoms are or are not core values. One example is AS folks very affectionate with pets, well that means there's no lack of affection, it's just messed up people who need to be avoided.

Let's just call the kid I've been playing with 'Joe'. He's 13 and we've been getting together 2 hours once a week (or more) since he was 10. I'm 47. He is sometimes capable of a semi-normal conversation but just barely though he is very verbal, a lot of that is repeating movie or TV lines or things people said around him which he liked the sound of and may or may not understand. Fav games around that are acting out the scene and he's very specific in his direction and how I enunciate the words and gesture my hands, etc.

I was married for a decade but didn't have kids and never really played with kids at all before, even when I was a kid almost. One of my parents has pretty much the same brain as me (wrong planet type), although there are of course differences, and we both can pass for neurotypical, superficially, though introverted and reserved, and really don't like parties or group activities with strangers one bit. One sibling who was pretty psycho, who maintained complete control over me in a rather psychopathic manner, although in retrospect perhaps that forced me out of my autistic tendencies. Sibling was extremely demanding, socially. Sibling had their own brain issues so I don't blame them now. One big issue I recall was the demand: "DON'T COPY ME!! !", which sounds like a pretty normal bicker point but it was really a difficult one in my recollection; sibling would get furious, so I did learn to stop that and to interact with people although maybe I would have rather not.

Back to the theory; possibly the very early appearance of this discomfort/hyper-awareness causes the a-social symptoms. 'Joe' was a complete basketcase a few years before I started with him; just one tantrum after another and no more than 2 word sentences. He's really sweet now though. Odd as all getup but very affectionate and fun. He struggles a lot with school and communication but is not stupid; he's plenty intelligent as our 'acting' sessions prove, just cannot wrap his brain around so many things NT's take for granted. He is developmentally delayed on many fronts and still like a 3-year-old in some ways. Like an adult in some and like his real age in quite a few, now. I watched him doing some reading comprehension homework recently and wow, it was difficult for him to maintain concentration. He is very aware of other people's moods. He can tell if you are not really into it that day. He likes to get a rise out of people and can tell when he's gotcha embarrassed But he also lacks lots of social skills and makes a mess of things unintentionally. He wants to be a comedian/performer when he grows up

Alright, this is getting long again...

Just to link things, here's some more on my situation in another thread:
Getting Diagnosed At 40 - Having problems -Advice please!! !