Worried about a friend's emotional health - HELP!!

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Recently this lady and I have been getting quite close, and we started texting each other a lot, and the other day it became clear that we feel more than platonic friendship for each other. We arranged to meet so we could talk things over, and a few hours before that we exchanged more texts.....they were mostly about how long we'd been attracted to each other for and how we'd felt about not feeling able to do anything about it. But she talked about my dead marriage, and how she'd reacted to it, in a strange way - at first she seemed to be guessing details with remarkable accuracy, but she began to say things that just weren't so...she said that she didn't believe that "the baby" was even mine, which is kind of odd because my relationships have had nothing to do with babies since decades ago. And she used pretty extreme language to describe some woman or other - at first I thought she was having a go at my estranged wife, but she barely knows a thing about her.

So I texted her to say the baby thing didn't make sense, thinking that she'd just got the wrong end of a stick somewhere. Her texts suddenly stopped. She met me that night but seemed distressed for the whole time, and when I mentioned the baby thing she said she'd gone way too far with her texting and just wanted to forget the whole thing. Instead of having a nice evening together with our new understanding of how we feel about each other, we were completely stilted the whole time and I felt like a complete failure. She decided to go home early and wouldn't let me go in with her. I felt like she was rejecting me, and I felt as embarrassed and inhibited as I've ever felt in my life, but I think really she was just being quiet and withdrawn....and when she hugged me goodnight she hung on twice as long as she usually does, though I still felt like a clingy little nerd.

Anyway, as I looked back through our texts like a jilted lover, one thing really struck me - much of what she'd said was not about us but about somebody else - in fact it seems to closely fit what she's already told me about her ex-husband, though I know few of the details so can't be sure. Best guess about this mysterious baby is that she suspects her ex was lied to about paternity, to trap him in a relationship, and that wrecked her ambition to get him back.

I've never known anything like this. Is it a sign of some kind of pathological condition to confuse one person with another like that? Is it safe to ignore it or does she need to get help? She's got some Aspie traits but this seems like something else entirely.

I also thought she might be 2-timing me with her ex and had happened to hit the wrong button and sent it to me instead of him, but that's kind of hard to do by accident, and frankly I just don't think she'd do that....she's pretty honest. She seems to have trouble being specific about events, and often talks very generally about "people," so often all you can tell is that she feels hurt or attacked or ignored but you can't tell who she feels has been doing that to her, or when, or how, or why. I figured maybe she just didn't like naming and shaming individuals so was keeping it general to protect them from slander.

Please help. I'd love a relationship with her of course, but I'm more bothered about her emotional well-being, and I'm at a loss to know what to do for the best. If I push forward then I might just scare her (we both hate anybody trying to lead us), but if I give her space then she might feel I've abandoned her. The other problem about being too forward is that I'm not ready to commit to a relationship with her, I have reservations of my own, and I don't want to open up all the stops to "win" her and then find I didn't really want her after all.

I would talk about it with her again, maybe you missheard her, maybe she mentioned someones name to do with the baby thing and you missed it. Maybe she has a personality disorder.

The only way you can find out is to talk to her about it, you need more information to form a judgement.

Tell her you think youve had a miscommunication and want to talk about it.

she does sound a bit nutty.

i would recommend observing from a distance for a little while.

or ask her directly what you suspect - that she was talking about (or thought she was talking to?) her ex and you would like her to clarify what occurred.

^^ I didn't mis-hear - it was in a text message to me, she's never mentioned it before. This is what she said, verbatim:
It must have made that tragic bitchs year that you even looked twice at her. She was quite clearly out for what she could get. She had no interest in your friends or in you as a person. I dont believe the baby was even yours. You were stitched up. People like that only live throught other people. I bet

Talking about it was the last thing she wanted to do last night, and she didn't answer when I texted her after I got back home. It's almost as if she so deeply regrets sending me that "wrong" text that she daren't text me at all now. It very much smacks of the powerful embarrassment and sense of invasion I've sometimes known when I accidentallly reveal something deeply personal I was trying to hide, like when somebody catches me talking to myself and the subject matter is very personal. But equally, if she's been secretly pursuing her ex with text messages, that would be very embarrassing for her too, because it means I've discovered her doing some kind of two-timing.

But yes, I'll try to talk to her...maybe let her calm down for a day or so first, then send her a text. Right now I feel like she's scared stiff of me and will never speak to me again....but I'm assuming that's just my usual insecurity - I always feel like that about people I value when it's new and they do anything to suggest they might not want me around. I don't like the idea of asking her to meet me for a talk, as that's exactly what I did before and we seemed to get nowhere trying to talk, it was really embarrassing last night and I felt like a spineless jerk, with my mind going blank all the time. I could try to just tell her my thoughts via text, in the hope that it will reassure her that there's no need to feel embarrassed, though I tried that once with somebody else when we'd hit a problem, and she never contacted me again.

Personality disorder? Maybe, or some kind of cognitive problem.....meshing one significant other with another to the point where you can't tell the difference........smacks of transference, doesn't it?

My guess at the situation is that she sent the text to the wrong person, because its content and context mean nothing to you. Its not hard to do, I've done it and I've been the recipient of miss-directed texts too. The text as it is, doesn't read to me as a loving or caring text that would make me think that the sender has affection for the intended recipient. Her behaviour in blocking the subject, being cagy and odd says to me she got 'caught' doing something she is ashamed off.....put that together, and I see a woman, not completely over an ex, sending a bitter message intended for him, to you - by accident. No hint of 2-timing to me there - but certainly a 'hint' that she is completely ashamed of her feelings toward the ex, and not sure how to handle herself. As a one off, I would see it as a warning, but not a complete diagnosis that she is nutty . (But I am an Aspie, so who knows if I am right!)

If I were you, I would want some straight answers, but I don't think I'd be looking for anything bad. I think it is reasonable to need some reassurance and explanation after receiving a text like that.

If I were her, I think I would need to feel very reassured, and have my self-confidence rebuilt before I could say much about what happened. If she has some Aspie traits, maybe you need to be fairly direct in letting her know how you feel - as in rejected and embarrassed?

As to pushing forward or giving space - can you find some kind of medium? Try to keep the momentum going, without going beyond your own comfort zone with the level of commitment in the relationship? I have a feeling I am not cut-out to be a relationship counseller

I agree with Sam, I think the text was meant for the ex and she is embarrassed that you got it.

Can you foresee some class of problem I may be at risk form, or is that just the general wisdom of giving a wide berth to the unusual? I somehow doubt she'll be making it difficult to avoid her, and it's quite clear now that hanging about with her can have a nasty sting in its tail, so I expect emotionally I'll be feeling more defensive from now on.


It's hard to imagine her ever tolerating the matter being raised again, after the way she reacted to it last night. Hopefully in time she'll relax a bit and decide that we need to clear it up.

It sounds like this girl is so secretive and afraid of something or other, that she may not be ready to have an intimate relationship at this time. Good solid relationships depend on both honesty and communication, and she is dropping the ball on both counts.

My best recommendation is to be honest yourself, and tell her that you felt something was wrong during your meeting, and you couldn't tell what was causing her discomfort. This should provoke some kind of explanation from her. If she remains cagey and secretive after that, you should count on the fact that she will probably never be a good communicator, that hiding things and possibly telling lies is her ordinary habitual behavior.

So by being kind yet direct you will either find out the truth from her, and your relationship can move forward according to what she reveals to you; or you will find out that she's got communication/honesty problems beyond what you can tolerate in a romantic partner. Either way you will become enlightened.

Certainly it could be that simple. Trouble is, I just looked back at one text - it begins about me, changes into a strange rant about removing evil women from a small organisation [that has no female members], and ends about me.

Then there's this one:
[ me] Yes and now it looks like were taking control back. It feels like the proverbial new dawn. Love you x

[her] It really is like a new dawn. I feel like the worlds a brighter and better place again. When you were taken away from us something in me died. There was I trying to be courteous and do the right thing by you and your ex wife and the next moment you are in the clutches of a lying selfish........

But I was never taken away from her, and she's never spoken to my ex, or seen her above once or twice, and I wasn't in the clutches of anybody AFAIK. So she's moved from talking to me (it really is a new dawn) to talking to somebody else in the same text. Unless she thought my text was from him.

She does have a strange tendency to wildly shift from one subject to another and to rant in terms which can be quite difficult to understand.......when that began to happen by text, I could usually divine some kind of meaning, even if it was just that somebody somewhere had really upset her, so I was often able to respond appropriately, without worrying if it made logical sense.....she knows she does it, and was delighted when she found that she could rant to me to her heart's content without getting the "logic police" on her back for it. Anyway I got very used to not worrying about the logic of it all, and didn't really notice much out of the ordinary during our last session, until I looked back today and realised that she'd thought she was talking to somebody else.



Yes I do sense I'm entitled to know.....let's face it I already know something's up. It's hard to read it as meaning anything other than her being still stuck on her ex, even if it's only in her head.


Well thanks for giving it some coherent thought anyway.....your ideas are helpful, Aspie or not. My reading of her texts is that she's still very attached to her ex. And thinking back, a lot of the reassuring things she texted to me may have been meant for her ex. It's even possible I was in the friend zone with her all the time, just responding to warm words that were meant for somebody else. I suppose I'll have to check back very carefully to see if she ever said anything nice at all to me that doesn't have to be cancelled.


Yes, I think that's wise. And you're right, I do feel very rejected and embarrassed. On the other hand, what do you think of just asking "do you still love your ex?"


Well, you're not doing that badly at counselling - at least it gives me some fresh light on the matter. I'll have to make an intuitive guess about when to talk to her next, and just hope it works out.

I agree there's a problem in her relationship-wise. I suppose I expected too much of her honesty...she's always so blunt and oblivious to the effect of what she's saying that it's come as a shock to see how carefully she's been hiding things. I guess her strange rants were very vague and nonspecific because naming names would have made it plain what was happening.


Yes that might be a way forward. So far I don't see any explanation that bodes well for her future as a responsible partner.

Well, true to my impatient nature I jumped the gun and texted her last night:

OK I think I figured out why you didnt want to talk about the texts. Dont feel bad. Looks like you still love your ex...wish youd just told me. Take care. xx

She replied soon after to say that I was right, and apologised, and after a couple more reassuring messages I called her and we talked for an hour or so.....we never had such a reciprocal conversation before. It seems she wasn't actually trying to text her ex, but became confused as to whether she was talking to me or him. It seems she hasn't communicated with him for weeks, and he hasn't replied to her.

Assuming she's telling the truth, it looks like I did the right thing. I thought maybe she could have been texting him and lied to me about that, but what would be the point when she's already admitted she loves him? Well it hardly makes any difference, as either way it's obviously unsafe for me to have a relationship with her. So now we return to our former state of being just good friends, although I've seen many couples who relate worse than we seem to, I've been married to women when it's been worse. Sometimes I wish I were gay.

I'm going to have to be very careful to make sure I don't get sucked into something that's going to drag on for years without making either of us any happier. I have to be mindful that maybe I've just swallowed a crock of s**t, some kind of game to keep me interested, but if so it seems a very elaborate and insane game, and I can't honestly see much evidence of insanity in her, nor deceptiveness (and I have been close to a number of dishonest women).......forgetting who she was writing to is weird and worrying, but maybe I resembled her ex in some ways, and wishful thinking might have done the rest. I've not noticed her grip on reality being particularly weak before, though some of her aspirations and ideas seem strangely naive.

It's been unbelievably embarrassing......I told her about how much I've wanted her and now I don't even know if she wants me in that way at all. She declared first but it's no longer clear who she was talking to at the time. I do love her, but neither of us is ready for a relationship.

Thanks for your helpful comments......particularly the advice to reassure her carefully before getting her to talk about it. I took that to heart and it worked quicker and better than I'd hoped. I also made sure that she knows that it would have been better to tell me earlier.

Yesterday she sent me some more loving texts that seemed to be as much about her ex as about me. I challenged her fairly calmly and said that it's very hurtful to get wonderful compliments and then find that they're for somebody else. She was somewhat petulant, and seemed to be threatening to stop us meeting. but I gently explained that I have to protect myself from getting hurt, and she said sorry, things should be more normal from now on. I said yes we'll see how it goes.

So, does anybody out there have any idea what this is? I'm inclined to believe that she really is getting me confused with her ex......at least, if it's a deliberate game, I can't see what it would be designed to achieve.

that just sounds so weird and unhealthy. I would be very cautious if I were you about getting further involved with her. I can only see it ending badly.

Good advice........luckily the sheer pain of finding out those wonderful things weren't really mine at all has registered very well in the defense department. The term "won't get fooled again" springs to mind. And also luckily, I just bumped into another female friend I hadn't seen for some time, and we're hoping to pick up where we left off - it's not sexual and I don't want it to become that, but I'm hoping it will provide some kind of counterbalance to make sure my wacky friend doesn't get so important to me that I lose my grip. We aren't having sex, and even our flirting has been strangely demure and wholesome as a rule, so I think that should help us keep our heads above water.

I'll be careful. Thanks for your input.....it's hard to talk about it to friends in real life because it's so embarrassing, and I doubt that either of us would like it spreading around town . I think what haunts me the most about it is that she's even lonelier than I am, and I can't stand to see her abandoned.

I think I've found out the problem. She seems to be stalking her ex, and seems to show cognitive dissonance......i.e. when she's texting me she doesn't know who she's talking to half the time. It transpires I have the same forename as the victim. Looks like she fits the "simple-obsessional" category......so she may be capable of being emotionally abusive......oh crap! Don't want to condemn her until I've confirmed that last possibility, and I'm thankful I've been alerted to it. At least I'll stand a chance of withstanding it it should begin. Yet she's never bullied me, or caused me any grief apart from mistaking me for her ex when she's texting, and frankly after the first couple of days it's lost its capacity to upset me. I've seen her at loggerheads with another guy and her manner could have been described as abusive, though I feel it was partly justified and better described as vitreolic. I've known her for several years and there's been no sign of any violent tendencies.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalker_%28Stalking%29

She's been accused of stalking, which she denies. I don't know what my part in this has become.....there would appear to be some danger that she's in the process of transferring the victim's role to me. When I listened and tried to reply empathically to her "abusive" texts (rather than the stonewalling she gets from her ex, for obvious reasons), she seemed to stop the aggro. She doesn't deny trying to contact him over and over, and admits she's still obsessed with him, but she comes over more as the deserted partner who doesn't know why she was abandoned....I asked her if he'd ever complained about anything when he used to yell at her, and she just said "oh, that explains it," and that she felt she might be over the problem now, though she isn't. I suppose if she does become abusive to me and I have to shut her out, she might transfer the stalking onto me.

Interesting how the general advice on this thread was pretty much correct, even without the above diagnostic opinion. Thanks - I might have got quite badly burned there. I tend to forget about my own safety when I see somebody in pain.