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Friendzone dynamics
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hurtloam
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:06 am    Post subject: Friendzone dynamics Reply with quote

Has anyone ever had this happen to them with either a guy or a girl.

I've had a crush on a guy for few years. I never really got any definate signs from him that he liked me back. We weren't even close friends. I couldn't even say that i was in the friendzone at that point. Although my feelings for him remained, i gave up hope that he would return my affection, plus a few years back when our friends were young immature lads, they made fun of him, like jesting that he was going to marry me. That made him almost stop talking to me altogether. Poor guy is very shy, the guys were playfully winding him up, but think they unwittingly made him too scared to talk to me.

until recently. He's suddenly lost all his fears around me. Talks away to me quiet happily now. I'm getting to know more about him. He's really interesting and has a great sense of humour. I keep catching his eyes across the room. He will deliberately take a seat beside me, he sat with his knee pointing toward me which is body language for showing interest in someone. I thought maybe he finally liked me back, but then i found out from other friends that he is interested in someone else. I met her the other day and i was heart broken.

I'm angry because it seems that it's ok to talk to me now he's no longer available and i'm not scary anymore. Well it's not as scary talking to me an old acquaintance as apposed to tryin to impress the new girl. Plus no one cares if he talks to me. They're only interested in how hes getting on with the new girl. For the first time in years we can be under the radar and talk away, be seen together and no one will say anything to him about me.

The annoying thing is now that I know him better, i like him more. He's kind to a fault, interesting, intelligent, funny, oh and has lovely eyes, but i doubt youre interested in his eyes:)

Now I can see who he really is, i have to let him go... I hate this. He really likes this other girl. Ive never seen him so happy and carefree. It breaks my heart, but i wouldn't take this happiness away from him for anything.

I have officially been friendzoned.


Last edited by hurtloam on Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:30 am; edited 1 time in total
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Roman
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Obviously I don't now the situaiton, but there is at least one alternative explanation you might consider. *IF* he doesn't know that you like him (perhaps you were too shy to show any of the signs) he could have been afraid that YOU would reject HIM, and for that reason was too scared to approach you. But now that he has another girl, he is not scared any more since he is not available "to be rejected". I think it is even possible that he still likes you. But he figured out that IF you do'nt like him back, his friends will just assume he is with another girl and never suspect that he is a loser; but if it turns out that you do like him, then we might consider leaving the other girl and taking you instead.

I am not saying that the above is the case. Obviously I don't know him. I am just projecting my own weirdness on him. Basically, in my case, I am really afraid of being LJBF-ed. So being "friends" with a girl without being "In a relationship" with her is kind of a putdown from the pride point of view. On the other hand, if I am already in a relationshpi with girl A, then being "friends" with girl B will no longer be "bad"; after all, the reason I am not with B is because I am with A, so it has nothing to do with girl B rejecting me. So for that reason I can totally see myself being more friendly with girl B once I am "official" with A.

I don't know whether he is like me on this respect or not. In fact I never met anyone else who has the same reasoning I do; for all I know I might be the only such person. But I am just saying it is definitly worth considering.

I personally suggest you simply tell him bluntly that you like him and you wish you were with him, and see what happens. I know in the past it was mans job to approach the woman; but in this day and age some women do approach men.
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hurtloam
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Location: Just off Crown Circus

PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 9:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm I've always assumed he knew how i felt. I told his best friend's wife and i assumed she told him. She just told me to see how it goes. That was a few years back though. My sister knew he liked someone else round that time and felt that my friend and her husnand were making fun of me because i liked the guy, she thought that they should have just told me the guy wasn't intetested, but then my sister doesn't understand certain social dynamics and is often confused by the way people behave, so not sure if she's right.

Don't think me or the guy got over or fully understood all this stuff that happened 4 years ago. All i know is ive been told he definately likes another girl. Now he behaves like its suddenly ok to be friends with me. It's annoying. It hurts. if we'd had this ease of communication before new girl came along i would have told him how i felt. I was giing to telll him other day,but then i found out about her and that he had invited her out with us and our friends. Was an awkward evening, i didn't realise they were wanting to get to know each other and sat between them by accident. Then i worked out she was the girl everyone had told me he liked and moved seats as soon as i could. Argh!
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Roman
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hurtloam wrote:
Hmm I've always assumed he knew how i felt. I told his best friend's wife and i assumed she told him. She just told me to see how it goes.


Did you specifically ask your sister to "pass on the information" about your liking him? If you didn't ask her, she could have been afraid you might not want to. She might have decided you needed a space to say it on your own timing and, as a result, refrained from saying it for your own good; but, of course, it did to you more harm than good.

hurtloam wrote:
My sister knew he liked someone else round that time ...


If "someone else" that he liked is not the person he is dating now, you need not worry about it. Obviously, he is over that other girl given that he is now dating someone else entirely.

hurtloam wrote:
... and felt that my friend and her husnand were making fun of me because i liked the guy ...


There can be a number of unknowns at this point. If they were "making fun of you", they could have simply made up the fact that he likes someone else in order to see you suffer. Or it could be that they didn't approve of you and he saw it, so he started working hard to conceal his feelings for you by pretending to like someone else (just like he does now). I mean you really don't know what is going on behind the scenes, unless you approach the situation directly and find out. Perhaps your insecurities is what they were making fun of, that is also possible; in which case it would have all been better if you were to show that you are confident and know what you want.

hurtloam wrote:
she thought that they should have just told me the guy wasn't intetested, but then my sister doesn't understand certain social dynamics and is often confused by the way people behave, so not sure if she's right.


Your profile says "family member with Asperger". Is your sister the one who has Asperger? Just asking.

Anyway, if you are not sure if your sister is right, that is another reason to try to approach situation more directly.

hurtloam wrote:
Don't think me or the guy got over or fully understood all this stuff that happened 4 years ago.


So you said yourself "... or the guy ..." (see the words in bold). In other words, you admit yourself he might also not have understood what went on. If so, this could have been the reason why he tried to back-pedal in order to save himself some awkwardness. I think you should have been more direct in order to at least get him to understand your side. It could have given you a first step to go from.

hurtloam wrote:
... if we'd had this ease of communication before new girl came along i would have told him how i felt. I was giing to telll him other day,but ...


I think you should tell him anyway, at least in order to save yourself the energy of worrying and guessing. You can ask him did he feel things for you in the past? And admit to him that you did, but you were hiding your feelings. Even if he will still be with this girl, at least you will find out whether or not you had your shots with him and missed it versus there was nothing there to begin with. To me personally, knowing the situation makes me feel more at ease, even if the outcome is the same.

Plus also, who is to say, maybe if he trully liked you long before the new girl, he might regret the whole thing and try to "undo" it and be with you. Even though it is unlikely, just imagine how happy you would be IF this were to happen.
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hurtloam
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Joined: Mar 28, 2011
Posts: 1364
Location: Just off Crown Circus

PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 1:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well i think this whole problem stems from a lack of commumication and too many people making too many assumptions. Should've just directly talked to the guy in first place and it wouldn't have got this messy. I've been wrong before you see and thats why i've been playing detective, trying to put pieces of the puzzle together, trying to make sure so i didn't make a fool of myself again.

I checked the i have a relative who has it option because i only have 1 officially diagnosed relative, so that was the most truthful option, but i think me and most of my family are somewhere on the spectrum.
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