40+ Something L & D - Breaking Up (8/10)

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The purpose of this this is to facilitate discussions among 40+ something WP members about how to deal with a breakup (coping strategies to let go and move on seamlessly).

Several years ago I had ax ex-girlfrienf from waaaaaay back look me up. Actually came knocking at my door. thank goodness I was divoriced by then. Ironically the very next woman I dated was the one that I married. She lived in the neighborhood and saw "us" together" and knew that was it.

She wanted to thank me for the way I broke up with her. She was younger than myself by, what seemed to me at the time a reasonable amount of time, 5 1/2 yrs but she was just out of HS and well the conversation went a little like this.

"Its not that I don't like you, because I do. Its not just me or you its that you don't know yourself yet. I know what makes me tick and how I work. You haven't discovered who you are and just adapting yourself to me wouldn't be the right thing to do. You need to figure out who you are." .....

She admits that at the time she took it hard, didn't understanfd what I meant, but took my advise and went on a quest of self discovery. She actually joined the military and thats where she met her husband. She carried a teddy bear with her all over the world which she gave to her daughter. (she did eventually loose the bear, it was left at a motel on vacation)


I also had another "former" girlfriend recently look me up. found me on facebook. She didn't know how I would react and had thought about it for quite a while. To her I was just what she wanted but I didn't feel the same way. She did and still does freak out over everything, however we did see things the same way just didn;t act the same. Boy did that girl have a mouth on her, constantly screaming at her ex and refering to him as the "A hole" or "the idiot", And I didn't think it was right especially in front of her son. my mom did that to myself about my dad and it drove us apart. So much that we didn't talk for almost 10yrs< the whole time I was married

After my divorice I did talk to my dad, We even went on vacation together, just the 2 of us to Ireland, but that was when he was diag with ALS and died a short time after that.
kind of funny and in hindsight neither of knew it but we were/are both aspie. others didn't get us. wish I could tell him about what I've learned.

When it comes to break ups, my general rule of thumb is to take the necessary time off to heal and deal with residual feelings I have for my ex. In my opinion, jumping into a new relationship before you are "emotionally available" is unfair to both yourself and the new person you are trying to date. It's been my personal experience that rebound relationship never work!

Total breaks have been extremely rare in my later adult life. Worst case, it might be a year or so before we can see each other congenially again.

But in most cases, it's been more common for us to fade off. When practicing poly, there are fewer and fewer reasons to force a full break. And relationships which come to mutual conclusions, or which "evolve" into less contact over time seem to be easier for everyone involved to deal with as everyone feels as though they have some degree of participation and control.

In the cases where a full break is required, I concur that a grieving process is appropriate and natural as with any other loss, especially a sudden loss.