Teaching Delayed Gratification and Waiting

Post Reply New Topic

I just read this article (it's really short, give it a look) http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000142 ... 73816.html
about parenting styles, and found it pretty interesting. It's mainly common sense, but it made me wonder how I could apply some of the basic ideas of teaching delayed gratification to DSS.

Obstacles I am concerned about are DSS not understanding quantity, either of time or rewards. Any tips?

I'd seen this article: I found it interesting, in light of the recent posting about the horrors of how the French deal with autism: http://www.wrongplanet.net/article424.html

I don't really see any parenting techniques in this article that make any more sense than anything else I've seen. My son interrupts me at the dinner table, not because I am a bad parent who isn't firm enough, but because he has autism and doesn't have the theory of mind skills to pay attention to other people. He will learn, eventually - he's already started to understand, but it isn't going to happen faster if I say "non" with more authority.

Wow, that is horrifying. Scary.

Anyway, I'm not really looking to be more firm or say no more, I'm just looking for tips on how to encourage patience.

I hear you: that marshmallow-test movie scared the crap out of me.

We've had success by using money: we bought DS a cashbox, and divided the bill containers into spend, share and save, just like all the financial planner websites suggest. To improve DS's social skills, we have a much broader definition of "share" (e.g. "buy your friend an ice cream cone," but not "buy your friend a video game so you can play it at his house.) He has shown surprising ability to connect saving with getting better stuff, which is the key to beginning those impulse-control skills.

I was a very patient child, however I generally didn't get as excited about a lot of things as other children. Additionally, I was generally a natural rule follower. I only recall defying my parents once when tempted with a culinary treat. To punish me, my mother made me stand in a corner. I enjoyed it so much she had difficulty getting me out of it, and she never attempted that as a punishment again.

Impulsive desires change by the moment, whether it is something a child wants to eat, say or buy. What I have done is find opportunities to show how their wants change (ie, you really wanted x, but we waited any now you don't want x anymore) and how society is set up to punish people who act on impulse or lack patience (credit cards, premium prices for new products, etc.). My children don't always see clearly through their desires, but they understand the value of patience.

That's an interesting article. I have to agree that having good waiting skills certainly takes a child a long way in many different situations, not just at cafes etc. And that is something my child finds harder than most of his peers. I might shift waiting in all its forms up my list of skills to focus on in the next six months.

We use a visual timer to show how long DS has to wait for something (we try to use it for positive and negative things, so that he doesn't associate the timer with only 'bad' things like baths!), and when he is interrupting a conversation we again use a visual cue with the verbal one - we hold our hand up with the palm facing him and say wait. Waiting for his turn with a toy is really hard for him, he can't seem to shift his focus to anything else while he waits, so we are currently teaching turntaking by using games that involve some gratification even when it isn't your turn - eg spinning a child around in a parachute, he gets to hold the edge of the parachute while he is waiting to be the one in it, playing with a wind up car, he still gets to watch it even if it wasn't his turn to wind it, etc. And also by playing really quick turntaking games like Connect 4, lotto and so on.

I'd be interested if anyone has any other tips - the money one is good, but a bit beyond my child at the moment (he is nearly 4 and all money is still 'treasure' to him!).

That excerpt kind of reminds me of titles on the cover of Cosmo at the supermarket, "Why all French woman look stylish: You can too!" ;or "French women are thin, you can do it by adopting their diet, too!" My BS meter is going off on this one. I will be amused to see if any WPers who live in France post on this thread.

I am not saying that you can't help work on patience, but yes, some of it is the temperament of your child. If this woman's observations even reflect reality amongst "middle class" French people, I would not be surprised if it is because parents whose children do not behave that way, keep their kids home out of embarrassment. I didn't take my child places he could not handle, either, although mainly for his benefit so he would not be overwhelmed and as courtesy (not embarrassment!! !) to others in the case of restaurants and such.

As far as the "cry it out" stuff the article mentions, I can tell you definitively this never would have worked for our child. He had "colic" (probably as the result of an immature, ASD nervous system, digestive issues et al) and would cry inconsolably, even when we were in the same room, right next to him. We tried leaving the room, I think once, and quickly realized he could have kept crying for hours. Cuddling him helped better than anything else.

I am sure the advocates for this method would say we were not persistent or did not try hard enough or whatever. I don't care. I held my son, when he needed it, and really most of the time because he was crying a lot. Yes, my son has issues with self-regulation and impulse control, but I don't see any of it as not being rooted in who he was, even as an infant. Meantime, he is incredibly snuggly and affectionate, now and I do attribute that to us being there physically when he needed it.

We work on self control and all of that, but it has to be in way that makes sense for our child. Sometimes a firm but gentle "no," works, sometimes we need to explain it, and sometimes we need to regroup. He knows when I say something is a health or safety issue, that it is non-negotiable. If he asks me why, I do not take it as a challenge or (an affront) to my authority, or a distraction from my "me" time. I take it as the curiosity of an intelligent person, and answer him.

Sorry about this rant -- I get a lot of cr** from in-laws who think you can smack good behavior into kids. In any event, the overall take away of the article of gentle, firm, consistent rules is fine as long you don't expect miracles and as long as if you see something is not working you have the flexibility to adapt.

If the author of the article did not get her kid to comply in four tries or however many, how long would she have tried something that was not working? I am sure that if it didn't work for her kid, she would have dropped it and would have had to write a book about something else. Some kids are more independent and would benefit from Laissez Faire parenting and others need the helicoptering for safety reasons or just to teach them what they need to learn.

Ok, now that my rant is over, here are somethings that might work. YMMV. We started out with immediate reinforcement because at first, that is the easier way to make sure the child understands what he is being rewarded for. After you see he understands you can try rewards that take longer to earn. I don't know how old your child is, but that means he has to understand time. If he doesn't understand time, yet, you will have to teach that first.

If he can tolerate noises you can use the count down feature of a timer or even the microwave. If he/she cannot handle the beeping noises, you can show him on a digital or analog (or both once he/she masters one) what 5 minutes looks like, 10 minutes etc. For days you can use a calendar and show him/her each morning it is a new day and cross a day off the calendar. When he/she masters this, show him when you cross off a row of 7 days it is a week, etc.

For quantities of objects you need to work on number sense, if he/she does not already have it. Show him what one of an object looks like and then two. Get on the floor with him and show him two "piles" : One with one thing, another with two of the same thing as is in the first pile. Ask him to touch the pile with two things. Then move up to greater amounts.

I didnt get to read the articles yet, but I would LOVE to encourage patience in my son. Example, we are driving inthe car. My son wants water. We ran out of water bottles in the car, but we are 5 minutes from home. I explain that we are so close to home and he will have his drink in a few minutes. He will complain, cry, yell and scream for water NOW!! ! What can I do when I am driving? It would take longer to go to a store to get it, as we are literally almost home.

He required INSTANT gratification for all his needs and wants. Teaching him to delay this would be a major help.

Why?

We get this too. I try to state in a matter of fact tone that I understand that he is thirsty and that we will be home in X minutes and I will get water for him then. Often times he will quickly figure out how many seconds are in the number of minutes I just said and will start to count (to 300 for ex. if I said we would be home in 5 minutes). If he continues to scream and yell, I tell him that I cannot stop the car right now because it is not safe. Then I try not to engage him anymore and just bear with it if he continues to put up a fuss. I have found that there is no point in trying to reason with him when he is in this state and the best thing I can do in the situation is focus on driving so we can all get home safely.

Because I can't imagine a scenario where my son, at 11, wouldn't eat the marshmallow. The implication of the marshmallow test is that if you aren't able to delay gratification as a child, you are in for a possible lifelong struggle, and I can see this as an issue for him. Of course, there isn't a suggestion of causality: while we might read into the study that we need to teach impulse control, the study is probably not a good measure of parenting skills or techniques.

Thank you for your reply. As ASD is a developmental delay, I just assume my child will develop delayed gratification in his own time and with support as he is developing theory of mind, self control, turn-taking, and self-soothing. I agree that the study has nothing to do with parenting skills or techniques and more likely has to do with temperament, personality and executive functioning levels.

There is a video of the marshmallow test, and one young girl on there, takes her marshmallow, calmly eats it, and nicely gets up and throws away the paper plate. There is no anxiety, no stress, and she is very calm and sweet. I thought, what if some kids are happy with one marshmallow now?

I still have trouble with delayed gratification and I'm 47! I was probably a holy terror as a child.

DS often does a cost-benefit analysis when presented with that kind of a situation (even then, he often doesn't succeed in controlling his impulses) I could see him deciding that a marshmallow right now beats two marshmallows later - but I'm not sure that illustrates poor impulse control. The TED video on this study implies that

That being said, I can see a situation where he would be unable to resist the marshmallow if the stakes were considerably higher, and I'd hate to be there for the aftermath.