Getting the right mindset : Developing Assertiveness

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Getting the right mindset : Developing Assertiveness

Since everyone isn't aware of how our mindset can hinder us in relationships, in our approach or in any situation, we will explore more of what it means to truly change your mindset and it can have a direct effect on your confidence.

1. You evaluate your qualities or sense of self belief in a black and white view without realizing rational factors, this can effect your self esteem and core beliefs and have an overall effect on your confidence.

For example, you experience a failed relationship, you could respond in two ways.

A. "My relationship has failed, I'm a hopeless boyfriend or girlfriend, I'm a failure at relationships"
B. "My relationship hasn't exactly gone to plan but many relationships don't work out, I can take this a positive learning experience to learn from my mistakes and this is simply a stepping stone to an even better future"

Do you see the contrast in both statements and how they have a direct effect on how someone will feel based on their thought pattern? Never try to force yourself or anything into absolutes and let go of those exaggerated expectations that something is either black or white, realize that shades of grey do exist.

Here's a another scenario.

A. "She has rejected me, I'm never going to be successful in dating, this has knocked my confidence for my next approach"
Note: This not only makes you less confident in your less approach but it also makes you show less value in who you are which can come across as unattractive.
B. "I've been rejected, not every woman has 100% identical tastes and not every woman is going to fall head over heels for me, it's not a big deal, what can I learn from my approach?"

Do you now see how option A can lead to a negative spiral and seriously effect your confidence? Do you see how one is based on emotion and the other is based on rational and logical thinking? Start to approach situations with a more logical outlook and discipline your emotions.

Performing option B not only gives you a firm basis of positivity but it also allows you to be kind and understanding to yourself. As you continue to practice being kind and understanding to yourself, you will notice that it will develop subconsciously and you will treat yourself better, this will make you value yourself more and give you confidence in every aspect.

Sometimes you simply have to realign your mindset and take on a more positive attitude to see a change in your situation. Remember it takes time to change negative core beliefs and to become assertive. You can even create scenarios for yourself and try to come up with A or B responses to see the effect they have on you.

If you have any contributions or more scenarios in which people can apply rational thinking, feel free to post them here. If anyone else has any tips on developing assertiveness, I'd definitely like to read them.

Sounds really good as is. I'm learning about this kind of stuff in my college courses. Going into Human Services.

Awesome post, Wolfheart. Very well thought-out. I reckon this should go in the Essential Love & Dating Advice thread.

It is very difficult to shift mindset like that, and sometimes you might not even want to — self-pity has a certain masochistic appeal, and people with AS are maybe more susceptible to getting caught in a rut.

Interesting. I used to be more of a B thinker for many years, and not just with relationships but also schoolwork/friends/hobbies/etc. And slowly but surely ive come to realize that the A thought style more suited the lack of results curve

Great post wolfheart! I noticed that quite a few people on these forums seem to have the "A" mindsets, so hopefully this will be able to help some people out!

What has being in the A thought style achieved? It has put you in an even more negative state because you place your self worth on achieving those results or exaggerated expectations instead of viewing it from a rational perspective. The more you perform the A thought pattern, the more you start to subconsciously think that way until you build negative perceptions of yourself, making it more difficult to build confidence and self worth.




Thanks, it isn't easy to change negative core beliefs and focus on the positive, it does require discipline, determination and hard work but it can be achieved.



Thanks Kinme, I'm glad those skills are being taught at your college.

Two more scenarios.

Scenario 1 - Your boyfriend or girlfriend works overtime to catch up on work with a co worker of the opposite sex, do you respond by:
A. "They must be cheating, I'm very angry at this and I will start to be more questioning and suspicious towards my partners behaviour"
This will make you more paranoid, showing that there isn't trust in the relationship and jumping to conclusions over something that you don't know the truth about, basing your judgements on emotion instead of rationality and fact.
B. "It's nothing, they are working over time and I'm convinced they have a platonic relationship, I shouldn't worry as I trust my partner otherwise I wouldn't be in this relationship"


Scenario 2 - You arrange a date and the person you arranged it with rearranges the date, do you respond by:
A. "They haven't turned up, I'm a failure at dating, why wouldn't they make time for me? They must dislike me"
Only later to find out that they were busy that day and that they do turn up to the rearranged date but when they do, you are concerned about validation from them so you become concious and anxious about your imperfections, you appear less confident or fun on the date.
B. "They probably had an important appointment come up and it's nothing to worry about, if they do flake or show disinterest, I'm not going to take it personally because it's their loss for not realizing what a fun person I am"

Feel free to post other scenarios that you could be more assertive in. As you start to practice being assertive, you will realize it becomes easier and easier.

Great post, it's really useful being aware of how your thoughts influence your behavior.

I'd just add, don't beat yourself up if you're in the negative A stage; it's a normal emotional reaction. It's a process to work through it. If you're feeling depressed, it's hard to get yourself out of it and you might need to enlist some help (eg therapist). The good thing is this cognitive method shows you a way out of negative thinking.

Last edited by nomadder on 20 Apr 2012, 10:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Again, good second post to your series, Wolfheart!! Definitely worth getting stickied!! For me, it's tough to get into the line of thinking in "B", sometimes it requires me to lapse into a period of "A", though not to the extremes presented in the scenarios.

Thanks, I hope so .



I agree, it's difficult and cognitive behavioural therapy is wide topic which is a very complex subject, It's about getting in the right mindset and mood. It's about having the skills to overcome or deal with the situation instead of running away from it or dealing with it in an unproductive manner which can potentially ruin relationships or chances.

It takes effort to get going but once you start to practice the techniques and think rationally, it will become easier and easier. A rocket ship works on that same principle, it uses an enormous amount of fuel to get off the ground and only a minimal amount to maintain its trajectory.



Thanks, I found it very important to address self talk and not being assertive enough as a factor to some of the dating success troubles people face here. Of course, it depends on the scenario but viewing something in the right mindset is the first step. Just making that change in thought process can make great changes on the subconscious and our subconscious can even influence our body language and what chemistry we create in others.

I think self defeatist talk is one of the biggest obstacles and it's those attitudes which stop people from growing and being more positive or attractive towards the opposite sex or themselves.

I was actually talking about this sort of thing with an NT friend of mine about a week ago. I fielded a lot of questions from him, and one of his responses stuck out at me:



In context, he was talking about the same thing you are, Wolfheart: confidence in yourself that can also be displayed outwardly. Is that the kind of attitude you're referring to in your series??

The good news is that people that do think of Scenario "A" can eventually be able to think Scenario "B" as long as they are prepared to change their mindset.
Also, would surprise me if this does not become a Sticky Topic.

The best way to develop assertiveness, is to stop giving a damn about what other people (unless they're friends, relatives or romantic interests) think about you. It's easier said than done, but it can be accomplished; you have just as much right to roam this earth as anyone else.

Yep. I use certain techniques to lose a care for a thing when faced with disappointment. Oddly enough, what works best for me is attempting to summon up and experience that care to some phenomenal degree/intenisty. I tell myself to "care so much it blows your mind!"

Invariably, it falls well short of blowing my mind, which is the point of the exercise: it puts it in perspective and denies its power.

The downside of this is, it works so well for me, that I can abuse it to not care about things I probably ought to.

Its achieved just as much as the B type of thinking. With the exception of stopping putting the blame of my failures on others and rather on myself.

Exactly, you have to grow to be positive and assertive internally through self talk so that will be demonstrated in your actions. It's about developing enough confidence and value in yourself to realize that validation and your own worth comes from yourself and not perceptions, why give power to something simply because it demands it? why let a single negative event define you as a person? It's about becoming free from rigid thinking and developing understanding towards yourself.



Good point, you need to find your own sense of validation instead of living by what others think and I think relates back to self validation. Many people fall victim to this type of external validation, especially people pleasing nice guys, they instantly seek validation and I think it can come across as needy, sometimes you have to make a stand and realize your sense of validation, happiness and worth come from inside.



Great point, this type of thinking takes away the emotional power and confusion from something and allows you to look at it from a third person perspective in a rational and assertive manner. It's easy said in practice though, it's more difficult to practice it when you are on the spot, that's why it's great to practice until that assertive and understanding self talk becomes second nature.



Thanks I'm hoping that it will help certain people see that there are a better way and that you can change your situation just from having a different mindset or thought response to situations.