Where my problems start is a very difficult issue, I can remember when I was little I was just a happy, healthy-well almost- little girl. I knew I had Aspergers syndrome but that meant nothing to me, even as more things were added to the list, dyspraxia, ADD, type one diabetes, coeliac disease, anyphilaxic allergies, possible discalculus, it didnt mean anything to me till I started high school. It felt like being torn from my family. I loved my life at a school of only 56 pupils, which was the largest number of pupils in the schools history, I had only ever had two different teachers and adored them both. I had no enemies and was accepted by ever person in the school.
Then I came from fifty six to almost two thousand people. I had a time table and books, pens, pencils, sharpeners, medical equptiment to remember. I was given no help at all from the learning support department and was scared of almost every person in my classes. I desperatly tried to disappear and I was dying inside. I thought through suicide a few times, not wanting to be in such a cruel place.
I have never recovered from those bad times, I have a lot more friends now but i can no longer find that happiness I once knew. I became aware all of a sudden earlier this year of who I was. The year started off badly by a horrible surprise that I might be a lesbian. Something I had never ever considered for myself. I became incredibly scared and began to plummet back towards taking my life. I wrote letters-the way I often communicate bad things- to my incredible best friend and to my Mum, who showed my psychologist. They all seemed to have the impression that I'm not but I am so unsure it scares me- so much of me considers that I have to be but another part of me stubbornly refuses to be that way- I can't accept this if it is true and I know my grandparents will disown me of they knew. When I was five we wrote a thing at school about our future lives. I wrote I wanted to get married, have children and be a vet, all in the space of five months all of these have fallen apart. I know that lesbians often do become parents but I have been bullied and I know, no matter how much I have always wanted to have a baby of my own, I will never put a child through having two female parents.
I have always believed there is no reason for life other than what biology tells you, we're born, we reproduce and we die- that is all I have left in the world.
I have told myself a few times that if i turned out never to have a boyfriend then I could probably learn to accept like every other part of who I am but this is my biggest problem. I hate myself. I don't see there being any life without the person I was as a child. I want to be that person again, the one who didn't care about their looks, or hobbies or interests or sexuality. I want to be who I am but I have no confidence and no self-esteem and little to help me be this person. My special interest at the moment is on two of the characters from the twilight saga and to quickly sumarise Alice is very happy, live for the moment type of person and her husband Jasper is the opposite, he hates himself and thinks mostly about the past. I know I used to be an Alice but somehow I've lost her, I relate to Jasper so much more (I'm not sure quite how to take this considering I also find it easier to describe his wife through his eyes...) but I want to be Alice again. I want to be happy and not have any more suicidal relapses. I want to feel I have a chance of doing something worth doing in the world and that I can be who I am, I want to be able to explain myself to my friends and for them to know what I've got. I want to feel accepted by my own life.
Also my Mum has recently taken to saying I am too negative and that I moan all the time! I really get upset when she says these things and I WANT to be positive and happy but she can't seem to see that there is nothing for me to be happy about. As strange as it sounds considering it started the whole problem I am happiest when I'm at school I haven't had a day of hatred for a long time, I think this is because being my school persona is almost like acting, I love acting and I am almost certain this is what I am doing. I am subconsciously being someone else.
Has anyone else been to this horrible place and came out alive, or has any ideas how I can be myself at last? Or even just has some sort of comfort. I need there to be something, sorry if I've ranted a long time but I really need this help!
_________________
~Pixie~
Last edited by PixieXW on 26 May 2012, 1:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
26 May 2012, 12:18 pm
