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PixieXW
Deinonychus
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Age: 27
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08 Jun 2012, 12:20 pm

Well earlier this year and at the Moment I have began to question my sexuality and this lead me into a very scary place. I didn't sleep for days, researching on the internet and panicking everytime I saw another female, asking myself if I liked her. I began to notice an attraction to females but with absolutely no desire to really be with them, it felt do wrong to want it and I hated everything. Now that I've kind of accepted that this may be true the horror has disappeared. 
I was led to researching HOCD and found I had a lot of the symptoms other than I had never been attracted to boys and I was, all of a sudden, to girls. I'm not sure if this is HOCD or not any help would be appreciated on this too! 
Then I discovered POCD and wow it was so obvious, like being hit by bricks. In the past I have convinced myself that, a plane will drop bombs on us, that I had cancer, was having an allergic reaction, had been stung by a wasp (which I am extremely allergic to) ... It goes on, I had always managed to talk myself out of these things and the next day or few days I'd be back to normal again. I have noticed this getting worse over time but wondered if I could self-diagnose it might help me. 
Does it sound like I have POCD? 
Or HOCD for that matter? 
Any help appreciated!
Also if I do have it, should I tell my Mum what I've discovered, I'm really bad at talking to her and have managed all my life so far to contain the situation. 


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WerewolfPoet
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08 Jun 2012, 7:18 pm

From the short amount of information that I've read on the internet, your symptoms seem to point more towards HOCD than POCD, though it may be possible that you have both of the disorders, or perhaps even just OCD in general.
What it really seems like, though, is some sort of anxiety disorder; I'm thinking GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), myself, but I do not know you.
Best of luck and comfort. :)



OddDuckNash99
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08 Jun 2012, 7:52 pm

While your general fear of being attracted to women is similar to HOCD, there are some things that don't match an OCD profile. First off, when you have OCD, you aren't able to simply "forget" about these fears/concerns and feel "normal" again. You cannot "talk yourself out" of the fears. It is an ongoing, constant battle, day in and day out. (I have "pure obsessional" OCD, a condition that is a misnomer, because virtually all of us have some sort of hidden, mental compulsion. And let me tell you, full-blown OCD is a miserable existence.) Secondly, you haven't described any sort of compulsion, other than searching on the Internet for the HOCD-type fears. And you didn't seem to get any sort of relief from the searching, and you didn't describe Internet searching for thinking you had cancer or a disease.

Finally, if this is really HOCD, you would know 100% that you were heterosexual, and your brain would be sending you doubts about your clear-cut heterosexuality. (Similarly, gay and lesbian individuals with this type of OCD have doubts of their sexuality and worry that they may be attracted to the opposite sex.) OCD attacks those things which we believe in the most and hold most dear. In HOCD, you would NOT actually be attracted to the opposite sex. You would simply WORRY that you found a woman attractive or would be seeing graphic sexual images of you and a woman in your mind. If you do NOT find the idea of being sexually intimate with a woman "totally opposite of your personality" or "disgusting" because it is not what YOU want in your life, OCD probably isn't the answer.

I recommend talking with a professional and sorting all of this out, especially as far as your sexuality goes. A professional could help you better figure out if you do have a form of HOCD or if you are actually a lesbian or bisexual. If it's the latter, hopefully, they could teach you to fully embrace your true sexuality, so you don't view it as "morally disgusting." Which it's not. When I was younger, I had some HOCD obsessions, but with me, it was the case where I found the obsessions disturbing because I have always known that I'm straight. I always have been fully accepting of homosexuality- the fear was that it was so "not me," and it scared me that I was getting these thoughts and images that weren't my true feelings popping into my head from out of nowhere.


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Helinger: Now, what do you see, John?
Nash: Recognition...
Helinger: Well, try seeing accomplishment!
Nash: Is there a difference?