Adult Child Possible Asperger's

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Hi. I am wondering if I can get advice about my son. He's 22 and I'm sure he has Asperger's. Now that I know what I know, I can see all the behaviors he's had since he was a toddler. But now he's 22 and I have no idea how to help him get diagnosed without offending him, or if I can even get him to go to the doctor for it. I'd just accept this without diagnosis but he's not moving on with his life. He only wants to play video games. He can't keep girlfriends (he's only had 2), because of his inappropriate boundary behaviors. He's only had one job and walked out on it after a week because of a clash with his boss. He's in college though, he does well. He's very intelligent. But I really don't see him moving out and he has no desire to do anything but video games. Any advice on how to get him help? I want him to have access to programs for jobs or something.

People with Asperger's have notoriously rigid minds, so he could be like I was in a sense that he is in denial about having an actual neurological problem, I was like this up until a few months ago despite people constantly giving advice and explaining how others see me throughout my life, I'm 20 and I've only just caught on. As you said it might offend him if he's confronted directly and told to seek help, so maybe the best thing to do would be try and introduce him to some local Aspies, Video Games is a fairly common interest so he will have something in common with a lot to start with. After spending sometime with others on the spectrum he may start to see more correlations and similarities between their behaviour and thoughts and his. This will get him thinking and hopefully he'll do some research into Autism on his own terms/pace. He may decide he needs professional help with social issues as they are clearly affecting his life dramatically. Once hes had some time to think about himself and received help with social skills from a professional that deals with ASDs on a daily basis, then he'll have more confidence to go out and apply for jobs and maybe even forge some meaningful real life relationships.

I'm not going to say it'll definitely work, and it certainly won't happen overnight. But it will probably work much better then confrontation or nagging if your son is indeed on the spectrum, as these techinques tend to just cause more frustration and confusion. I wish you and your son the best of luck with overcoming his current problems and finding an enjoyable and fulfilling career path where his talents will shine through for the world to see.

My husband was diagnosed as an adult, and I can tell you honestly to this day that he refuses to acknowledge his diagnosis. He was 28 when he was diagnosed, just a year after we were married. Unfortunately, the psychologist/behavioral therapist that he saw was very wishy-washy. In an attempt to NOT offend him, she tried to make light of his aspergers by saying something along the lines of "You exhibit many Aspergers tendencies...." And that was ALL he heard. He heard nothing beyond that statement, and to this day he will tell you that "He does not have aspergers, just aspergers-like tendencies". We were both in that room when she gave the diagnosis. I heard her explain that he did have it, but he heard something different --- WHY? Because she was trying to soften the blow. She didn't want to "offend" him (i.e. she was afraid he'd melt down right there in her office).

Result? It's taken 10 years to even get him to a point where he'll even THINK about admitting it. He has yet to be convinced that he has this. He's never admitted it, based solely on the testimony of the psychologist.

Moral of the story? Don't try to soften the blow. I'm not saying be mean -- but you may have to be blunt, objective, and up-front. Most people with Aspergers think in "black and white" -- there is no grey area. Based on my experience as the loved one of the adult with Aspergers, I'd advise NOT to create a grey area where there shouldn't be one.

I would be as clear and concise as possible, leaving no wiggle room or loopholes. Language is very important here. Take it from someone who's spent 10 years feeling like she's beating her head against a wall...

I think acceptance will come if he wants help with things he has problems with. I do not think it would be welcome to give him an unofficial diagnosis even if you are 99% sure. The way I would handle it is if he is complaining about something (his social life, his career prospects, having to live at home etc.) and you slow walk him into accepting that he could use some counseling. Don't be specific about what you think it may be, just couch it in terms of getting help for what specifically hinders him.

In the meantime, I would find out who in your local area would be the appropriate therapist who can diagnosis spectrum issues (and other differential diagnosis that might be related) in ADULTS. This is not necessarily easy to do. You do not want your son subjected to someone who will imply he is lazy etc.

When you get buy in, you can take him and see what the professional says. If he has been undiagnosed, and is 22 years old, he will likely get very defensive otherwise, unless he himself had harbored these suspicions about himself. I do not think confronting him would be wise, because I think hew would get defensive, especially since he can very easily say you are not an authority. I am not saying you are wrong. I am saying the Aspie mind might not appreciate an unofficial diagnosis after 22 years, especially. If you can get a diagnosis from a pro it will be easier. Again, just make sure you vet the person very well.

If he thinks everything is fine, then I do not know how to handle it. He is not out of college yet, so you can see how functional is when he graduates. He may be more mature , deal better with authority and be better equipped for employment then. Also he may treat a job in his field (related to a special interest, hopefully) more seriously than a job at Mickey Ds. The girlfriend thing is not necessarily important (he may not care that much) but the boundary crossing probably should be addressed as it is likely to crossover or he might get into trouble for "stalking."

I fully accepted my own official Asperger's diagnosis at the age of 21, but I think several factors helped me greatly in that regard:

- I once told my parents I needed "professional help" because I knew that I was emotionally unable to handle various things that other kids do. So at that point I suspected something was "wrong" with me.
- I had a different label - "hyperlexia" - applied to me at the age of 10 or so. I exhibited 90% of its symptoms. So this meant from that day forward that I was used to having a "disorder" of some kind.
- I first learned about Asperger's sometime in my teens, and thought this could fit me.
- I see good points in Asperger's - I don't see it as purely a disability. Lots of people get in trouble by not obeying rules that are clearly spelled out, for instance, and being more rule-bound can keep me out of trouble. Plus I knew from a very early age I had certain talents that few others had.