A Parent with Resentment Issues

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Well, I hesitated putting this post out here, primarily because I don't want to be judged. I'm posting because I want advice.

I am a single mother of a 19 year of son with AS. He is completely dependent upon me, is considered disabled and doesn't work. He spends all of his time in his bedroom and only comes out when I engage him in conversation or when he wants to tell me about his next big idea or project he'd like to work on.

I'm exhausted. My son doesn't have any friends. While we do have a large extended family, no one has any interest in spending any time with my son. His own Dad refuses to do anything with him.

I hate admitting this but I feel resentful. I don't seem to have any social life anymore. My entire life is spent working, cleaning, and trying to give my son some type of social interaction. I feel stuck. This is not the life I want. I had hoped, at this point in my life, that I'd be remarried, have a nice home, and be financially secure. Unfortunately, taking care of all of my son's issues alone, has left me in a lonely and very financially broken place. Even just going on a date is hard.

What do I do? I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm starting to feel as if I'm becoming depressed by this. It's a huge emotional load to carry for one person. Am I just to accept this is how it will be? And plan to be alone and broke the rest of my life?

if you keep doing everything for him, then that's what he will expect, and then you WILL be stuck in that situation forever. He needs to learn that you won't always be there for him to do everything. He needs to learn necessity.

He's 19, can't you leave him at home while you go out and socialize?

I too worry about my son's future and he is only 7. Are there any support groups in your area? ASA has local chapters, as well as AHA, maybe you can find him some local groups to go to. While he is living with you, you can implement this.

Look into some support for yourself as well. You cant do this all alone, it is hard for sure.

Have you asked your son what he wants out of life, what he would like to do with his time, etc...that might be a good starting point for you and him.

good luck and thanks for taking the courage to post here. I know at one time or another we all have negative feelings, it comes with paretning any type of child!

I am so sorry to read that you are going through this.

Are you in the US? Each state handles things differently, but I believe that if your son had an IEP in school, he has the right to receive services from the school district until he's 21. If you can get him back into that, it will at least give you something - and they are supposed to be teaching functional skills like life skills and independence at that point.

What would happen if you left your son to his own devices? I know it seems like a big question, but the reason I'm asking is to see if we can't break it down into smaller chunks that you can manage. For instance, if your son is totally dependent on you, you should be able to qualify for some kind of support. If not, maybe you can take baby steps to get him to take more responsibility and give you some time for a life.

You've got to start breaking the dependence. He's 19, he's living under your roof, you have some control over him.

He may not like it, but life is full of things you don't like doing.

How disabled is he? Is he able to get a part time job or participate in a volunteer activity?

Now the other question, does he even want social interaction? It may seem difficult to fathom, but some aspies truly are happy with no social interaction.

How functional is he in terms of practical things? Can he do self help tasks, chores etc? Is it safe to leave him alone for small (or larger) amounts of time. If it is safe to leave him at home for awhile without getting someone to take care of him, that will open some socialization options up to you.

I would work on getting regular friends before worrying about boyfriends or getting married. I am not trying to minimize that this is important to you, but regular friends could help you more, I think, especially in the short run. Also if you have friends they could introduce you to men who would be somewhat vetted.

If you look for autism support groups that might be a good place, because the people there will get it, and you won't have to keep explaining things so much.

As far as the financial stuff, is it regular financial stuff or stuff relating to medical care and therapies or socialization stuff for your son? There may be posters who can tell you about assistance that you can get for that kind of thing. If it is for socialization and your son is not interested anyway, you might be able to scale that stuff down.

I dont think you are wrong to feel like that at all, it sounds like you are the only one there for him, and supporting some one to that extent is exhausting and of course you cant look after yourself when you are caring for some one 24/7. Its bound to affect new relationships too, anyone you meet will need to be willing to take on your situation. It doesnt mean its impossible though and Im sure things will get better.

As its been previously posted he needs to learn how to be independant, I think most 19 year old boys NT or otherwise would be totally dependant on their Mums if they thought they could get away with it so it wont be easy!! Respite certainly sounds like a good idea if you can get it, I would hope you would be entitled to something as you dont have the support of a partner or family and your own mental health is under pressure. Here in the UK we have a service where people can come to your house and help and I also know of a guy with AS in his 30s who has a flat provided as he isnt able to hold down a job or a relationship and cannot live a "normal" life but no one can rely on their parents forever so he needs to do something with his life however hard it is.

What if you spoke to your Doctor about your own health and the stress you are under, you could try going down that route?

Glad you decided to post this as I think others may be able to identify with your situation. Hope you can find some help x

Many communities (in the US anyway, I don't know about other countries) have organizations geared toward helping individuals with disabilities get a job and move toward as much independence as their disabilities allow. These organizations can counsel both of you about how to help him develop some life skills and get him on the road to independence. From what I've read, you are in the middle of some of the most difficult years in an Aspie's life where it is often assumed, due to his chronological age, that he should be able to move out, get a job, start doing things for himself. However, he is still delayed and is not ready for those things yet. Many of the young adult posters on this site have described that they were more ready to become independent a few years later than their peers but were not ready at 18, 19 or 20. So, I would say, seek some outside help, try to start making little changes, as others have suggested, to give him more responsibility and hang in there!

He needs to be independent. I know he's your son, but you have a life too.

Like it was mentioned before, take baby steps, especially if he can manage on his own for a little while.

But you should also give yourself a break once in a while. Living like that isn't very healthy, for both of you. Aspies don't really require social interaction like NTs do, but he can still go out and do things. You deserve some time to go out and have a social life yourself.

Off topic: I can relate to the whole "Father wants nothing to do with offspring" thing you mentioned. To be honest, my dad is a bastard who couldn't give a single damn about his kids. (Not that I really give a damn about him, I stopped seeing him almost two years ago. He only talks to me on my birthday, but that's because his wife makes him do it. )

When I got diagnosed, he said this: "She's not Autistic, she just has a bad attitude."

That's what I love about this place. We get it. A page full of advice, and if you hit ctrl-F and look for the word "just", we're not using it on each other

I agree with the others, about looking for little things he CAN do that will advance some level of independence, while also trying to find some respite for yourself.

I also noticed in your intro (other forum) that you work from home. Personal thing: I found working from home to be suffocating. It sounded great, but I need to be out and I need to be with people. If you have the same needs, you will want to consider altering your work arrangement.

Solutions never come easily in difficult situations, but keep looking, and keep experimenting with small adjustments that can hopefully make things a little better.

I'm new here.

Are there in-house vocational rehab type therapists who can come in and train him on life skills?

Could he go to supervised housing and visit you on weekends?

Are there medications that might help him feel less anxious or help focus his thought?

Could a sitter be hired?

These are just ideas.

I would say that if he's ok enough to be left alone, you should go out. He's 19 and he needs to learn that if he wants interaction with others, he will need to learn to get that himself instead of waiting for you to instigate or organize it. If you keep trying to set up things like that for him, it will just keep him dependent on you. I would say to have him do for himself what he can do for himself, and start teaching him other practical things he needs to know. If he's not complaining about wanting interaction etc, then he probably doesn't want or need it, especially if he's not putting out any effort and you have to make him do it.

How functional is he? If he's high functioning and able to, I think he needs to learn to do for himself. Allowing him to stay dependent on you and not forcing him beyond his comfort zone into doing for himself and not depending on you so much is just enabeling him and reinforcing the behavior. That's if he can do more than he is. If he can't, then it's not. Lots of times, those of us with AS won't do something unless we are forced to. Especially if it means making a major life change with something like going from being totally dependent to starting to do for ourselves. He' probably won't just suddenly one day want some independence and gradually start pulling away. You are going to have to do that I think.

On the other hand, you have some aspies like me, who had a very overprotective mother (not due to AS, we didn't know what AS was back then, this was other issues and her own mental problems) and they will do anything they can to gain independence even if it means just taking off out into the world totally unprepared for anything. I think he would have already started with it if he was going to be one of those who want more independence.

It's probably going to be very uncomfortable for him to be forced to not depend on you for everything. The thing is, as long as you will let him, he very well may keep depending fully on you. I'd suggest working on practical things he needs to know in life and giving him more and more responsibility for himself and sticking to that even when it's hard to.

And for goodness sakes, you deserve a life too. He's 19! If he's able to safely be alone, then go out. He may get bored, he may get lonely but a few hours a week of being bored or lonely won't kill him. It might actually be good for him because it can be a catalyst for him to decide to do something for himself.

Again, my views are based on the idea of a high functioning guy who just doesn't have or want a social life. And thats ok if he doesn't. Nobody says you have to have one.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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