possible aspie but missing a few symptoms...

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I'm sure you guys get tired of people coming on here and asking, "Do you think I'm an aspie?" but I'm just going to ask anyway. I'm a 19 year old girl, and until just recently, I thought I was just "weird." I had heard of Asperger's before, but I had no clue what it really was until my parents started watching the show Parenthood and there was an episode where the parents had to explain to their son that he was an aspie and what that meant. I didn't think anything of it, but several months ago, my sister (who is 31) told my mom that the boy on the show reminded her a lot of me.

I've done a lot of research since then and taken several of the online tests, and I'd be completely convinced that I'm an aspie except for a few things. I've read that aspies lack nonverbal communication skills. I'm pretty much the opposite of that. I rely very heavily on facial expressions to convey what I'm saying to people and to understand what they are saying. This is one of the reasons I refuse to talk on the phone. (I struggle with auditory processing and filtering out background noise too.) If I can't see the person as they're talking, I find it very hard to fully understand what they're saying, and I fear that if people can't see me, what I'm saying will be misunderstood. Also, I have no problem understanding sarcasm or being sarcastic (although I do sometimes have trouble deciding whether or not someone is being sarcastic).

I seem to have almost every other symptom except those things, but I know those are some of the main things that are looked for. But I wonder if the fact that my family uses sarcasm pretty much all the time and uses a lot of facial expressions could have caused me to understand those things better than someone who grew up around people who weren't very expressive or humorous?

I've known there was something different about me for a long time. I've always been socially awkward. Even when I was in kindergarten, I could only have one friend and I got very upset if that person wanted to be friends with or play with anyone else. Around the end of 4th grade, I started to stick out as a little odd, and then I was the bullied outcast in 5th and 6th grades. I preferred talking to my teachers anyway. I could never understand why people wanted nothing to do with me, especially because I tried so hard to fit in and be like everyone else. I tried to act like a girly girl just to be "normal" even though I am a tomboy at heart. In 8th grade I started homeschooling, and that was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I never went back to a school, and now I'm even doing online college. I am rarely comfortable around people my age. I just don't feel like I'm one of them.

It's not that I don't enjoy socializing; it's just really difficult for me. Making friends seems like rocket science. Carrying on a conversation with some people often feels like pulling teeth, and many times I almost panic if a stranger starts talking to me. People don't seem to understand that I don't enjoy small talk; it stresses me out. There are times I just need to be alone with my thoughts. All of my friends are somewhat odd, except for my best friend. She is just incredibly patient with me and we share many of the same interests, so it makes it easy for us to talk to each other (I have a hard time talking about anything outside my areas of interest). Before I was friends with her, I was a complete loner. I only interacted with my parents and a few of their friends and I was literally terrified of being around people my age. I've grown tremendously in social skills in the past 4 years because I watch my best friend and try to imitate her. It has helped me a lot and now I can function okay in most social situations. I used to just sort of look at the ground and my mom did most of my talking for me. I've been training myself to make eye contact since I used to have adults get on to me for being disrespectful when I didn't. It's just not natural to me.

But anyway, I am aware that being an aspie means much more than just social difficulties. Reading the list of common symptoms was like putting together a puzzle of all the odd things about me. The whole "special interest" thing really got me. I've always had these random obsessions that I become completely absorbed in. I've wondered why most other people didn't seem to do that. I also memorize random facts. I freak people out at how well I remember dates. I can remember most phone numbers without needing to put them in a contacts list, and I have some license plate numbers memorized. When I see words on something like a sign, I have to do something to them. I count the number of letters in each word and mentally put them in groups of three, or I read them backwards. I learned to fluently talk backwards from doing that. (Taht si yllautca ytterp nuf.)

I am very sensitive to sound, and pretty sensitive to light. I have to turn the brightness down as far as it will go on electronics, and almost everything hurts my ears. I have to wear earplugs to most events, and I still run and hide in my room when someone uses the vacuum. While I'm really sensitive to high pitched sounds and treble, I can't get enough bass. Everyone hates the way I set an equalizer. Being in large crowds stresses me out, and when I'm out in public, I often feel like I'm in a fog. Most people think I'm about 14. I wear jeans or cargo pants with t-shirts for everything, even church. I don't wear makeup, fix my hair, or carry a purse so I guess I look like a kid. I just don't see the point in all of that stuff. I don't want to date or get married, so what's the point in being "attractive?" I like the way I look without all of that stuff.

Also, my mom and sister say that I have a bad lack of empathy (but they say that about my dad too ). The problem I have is that I care about people, but I don't know how to show it. I work in the youth group at my church and I'll have kids come tell me some of the saddest things going on in their families. I really do care about them and I want them to know that I care and I'm there for them, but I have a hard time communicating it to them. I feel like most of them think I just don't care.

To top all of that off, I'm 19 and I have still never driven a car even in a parking lot. The thought of driving makes me cringe. I can't make quick decisions and my reaction time is terrible. I still ride around my back patio on a kid's kick scooter for fun. I feel like I'm at least 4 years behind everyone my age. The thought of having to live independently scares me to death. I wouldn't even stay at the house by myself for one weekend when my parents went out of town last month; I certainly couldn't have gone away to college at 18!

Okay, I know that was long (thanks for reading to this point!), but I said all of that to ask, "Is it possible for me to be an aspie while lacking the symptoms I mentioned earlier?" People have actually asked my parents if I'm autistic. I'm really curious and I'd love to know what you all have to say.

of course, it's possible. the criteria include communication difficulties. you don't have to have every last one.

Yes, the traits you describe are consistent with an ASD. The main question is whether you need help. If you do, then a diagnosis would be useful. If not, then it's not necessary or appropriate. Since you are having trouble learning how to drive and learning how to take care of yourself, I would say an evaluation is a reasonable next step.

Do you look at people's mouths, reading their lips in order to help yourself understand what they are saying? If so, this may be more of a sign of auditory processing difficulty.

Study introversion. If you like to be alone and socializing and loud environments exhaust you, you may just be an introvert. But not all of your traits are just a matter of introversion; the special interests for one are typically autistic.

By the way, since you do have some delays in taking care of yourself, it's likely enough that you would be better served by a simple autism diagnosis rather than Asperger's specifically, so that you can access things like occupational therapy, or hire an aide when you go to college. (You never mention not wanting to go to college, so I assume the major hurdle for you is independence rather than lack of desire). Newer diagnostic criteria just call it all "autism spectrum disorder" anyway. Just make sure that whatever therapy you get, it actually addresses the problems you're facing. Sometimes with Aspies they just stick them in therapy and assume that if they can learn to socialize better all their problems will be solved. Not so much. Quite a few of us need to learn things like how to cook for ourselves or how to deal with a landlord or how to buy furniture or... oh, any number of things. I'm thirty and still haven't managed to become completely independent. But then, my mom was in denial for my whole childhood, and I didn't get help until I'd completely crashed and burned. You're still at home, in a nice secure situation, and you can use that as a stable home base to branch out from. It's much easier to learn how to do things for yourself when you're not constantly worried about the consequences of not being able to do them!

I'd say if you have real suspicions and it is having an impact on your daily life then you should go get it checked. There are plenty of less well known symptoms that Aspie's can have. I didn't know most of the stuff I had lived with was part of it until during the assessment.

There were certainly things that you mentioned that line up with the criteria, however, they could be explained by other means.

I hope things work out for you.

I don't mean to be unkind here, but is it ever inappropriate to seek a formal diagnosis?

People have the right to know if they want to, even if it's just to finally have a name to call "it" by.

A diagnosis isn't appropriate for a young person if they might want to join the military, police, or other organizations, for which a diagnosis is a disqualification. Besides that, I never really saw the need to undergo a long, costly formal diagnosis.

If a person does not feel their personal condition is a disorder (their situation has either resolved or is not disabling them)_ then seeking a formal diagnosis might be pointless. But if you feel you need help, then it's a good thing... It's sometimes nice to have a label, and to feel that one really is part of a group - being autistic can be awful lonely, and folks on the spectrum can spend a lifetime feeling like they don't belong...Having a dx changes that, of course,
Another thing is that females on the spectrum often present differently than males. It is very important to find a diagnostician and therapist who understand the world of Aspiegirls and female austists.

Then you can't actually claim to be on the spectrum, can you? You don't have a qualified person identifying your "condition" as autism, do you?

You can't actually say officially "This is what it is, what it's called."

As for it being "inappropriate" for some career choices, might that not be for a reason? Should someone hide what they are so they get what they want, even if it could cause problems for them and others down the road?

That sounds a little like the start down a slippery slope to me.

Perhaps you'd care to explain why you think I can't claim to be on the spectrum.

As far as being "qualified" goes, all I care about are the facts. I'll leave the pedigrees to people like you who are impressed by them.

How will understanding that we are on the spectrum without that official diagnosis cause problem for "them and others down the road"?

Thanks everyone for your input. I've entertained the idea of seeking an official diagnosis, but I'm not sure. Like some of you said, it probably wouldn't make much of a difference. I guess it would just be nice to have answers. I look at the people I grew up with and then look at myself and I know something is different. I just would like to know why. It's not so much that I can't take care of myself. I know how to do many things and I know I could learn to do the stuff I don't. I guess the fear I have in being independent (and especially in driving) is that I can't seem to make split-second decisions. When something goes wrong, I automatically just panic instead of thinking of what I need to do to fix the situation and then doing it. Somehow I don't think that would be a good thing if I were by myself! As for the disqualifications for certain jobs, well, those make sense. I know I don't belong in the military or police because like I said, I don't do well making quick decisions (something that is very necessary for those occupations). But anyway, it's nice to know that there could be a real reason for all of the things that make me a little odd.

Diagnosis = professional OPINION
Professional = getting paid.

Sethno-seriously rethink your statements please. People hide all sorts of things to further their careers, including the professional diagnosticians that you placed on a pedestal.

Have you actually tried EQ tests or facial expressions tests? Thinking you are good at something and actually being good at it are not the same thing.

Also, you may over time get good at reading facial expressions if you study them and learn about them - watching "Lie to me" seems to have rubbed off on me so in my Thirties I don't do too badly at facial expressions tests if they are multiple choice.

Take the multiple choice answers away and I get much worse, and this ability to do a test does not translate into real life skills much, because when I talk to someone I don't really take in what I am seeing it's like my brain operates only on one channel or doesn't mix the visual and auditory input together in a way that makes sense.

What determines then whether we are good at something? A test, or our real-life performance?

Actually, I can read facial expressions very well in quiet, pressure-free environments, just as I can understand sarcasm and such. It is in real-life application, where things get messy and move quickly that I have problems.

Bottom line: The important thing is how we function in real life, and not in a doctor's office or on a test. If you have a job and have to deal with the NT world on a daily basis, you will understand what I mean.

Not having a diagnosis doesn't mean you don't have autism. However, in my own case I found that getting a formal diagnosis opened doors to a lot of help that I previously wasn't getting. Also, it gave me a feeling of legitimization; which I didn't expect. The diagnosis gave me a sense of belonging, which I never had before.

I also feel the same way towards this statement.

Excellent point! I can use a more concrete example: Blood Pressure. When I'm in a unfamiliar situation (like a doctor's office) it usually registers as very high bordering on dangerous but when I'm relaxed it's usually at the upper level of normal. So called experts only clued in recent years that anxiety in unfamiliar situations can cause elevated BP levels above what they are in everyday life in about 10% of the population and it's known as White coat syndrome.

I understand exactly what you mean about dealing with NT world vs a lab or Dr. office. I'm fine at my current job working alone almost all the time but when I was a cashier my head used to spin uncontrollably and I couldn't remember any faces of customers at all even if they all knew me. I would NEVER be able to do that work full time.