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Cassandra Syndrome

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semota
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23 Dec 2013, 6:53 pm

Laura242424 wrote:
I'm NT and I've been with my HFA husband for a few years and I find the Cassandra concept REALLY helpful. The parts of me that are pure NT and to which my husband doesn't sympathize are parts of me that I neglected for too long .... like, I'm naturally a person who cares too much about what other people think of me. I tend to act nicer in public than in private, etc. My logical AS partner easily convinced me that that didn't make sense: the person you live with should get your very best, and strangers aren't really thinking much about what you're wearing or how you're acting and so on, so you might as well ignore them. I really tried living that way, and whenever I showed signs of being 'superficial,' he called me out on it and I agreed with him and tried to act differently. But I was miserable not admitting to myself that it DID matter--a lot--to me what other people thought of me. That's just how I am, just like not being superficial is just how he is.


Your problem is not being an NT but being a woman socialized in a patriarchal society. Patriarchy drills women to adapt to other people and to base their confidence on other people's approval and opinions. In fact, most AS women I know have the same problem as well.



Feralucce
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25 Dec 2013, 1:09 am

Verdandi wrote:
Laura242424 wrote:
I don't see how it's insulting to say that Cassandra Syndrome is mostly caused by AS people. It's just a fact. If a person just IS seven feet tall, they're going to make it hard for people to see over them in a crowd.


This isn't comparable. Now if they made up some kind of disorder in which people who aren't seven feet tall are afflicted with because they're around people who are seven feet tall, then it would be comparable and just as insulting.


I disagree... (being 6'9" - 7 feet in my required diabetic shoes)... there is a set of specific reactions that I get from normal sized people... perhaps there should be a name for it...

on a different note, however... I have experienced what Cassandra Syndrome is describing in my life... people do not believe that I am capable of the things I am... or that I know myself as well as I do... and will tell me so... constantly...

But I do not think it has ANYTHING to do with Autistic Spectrum Disorders...I think it is directly tied to pov problems... if something is so far outside someone's own frame of reference, they are unable to conceptualize it or understand it... That lack of understanding causes cognitive dissonance... as a defense mechanism, to minimize damage caused by a dissonant event, they end up disbelieving...


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semota
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26 Dec 2013, 7:16 am

Feralucce wrote:
But I do not think it has ANYTHING to do with Autistic Spectrum Disorders...I think it is directly tied to pov problems... if something is so far outside someone's own frame of reference, they are unable to conceptualize it or understand it... That lack of understanding causes cognitive dissonance... as a defense mechanism, to minimize damage caused by a dissonant event, they end up disbelieving...


maybe that's the reason my complaints and personal experience connected to aspieness were belittled and subject to disbelief.



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26 Dec 2013, 11:33 am

Every possibly... When I was undergoing diagnostics for my mixed bipolar, I explained that under times of stress, I was afraid I would hurt someone, badly... He told me that it was because I was afraid of it that I was not capable of it... I almost took a letter opener and pinned his hand to the desk. My Significant Other saw my twitch and grabbed my arm... At that moment it was logical to demonstrate the violence I was capable of... but the NT did not believe that I was capable of it until I started to move to do it...

It is not their fault... Neurotypicals tend to communicate in exageration and hyperbole... They cannot conceptualize of someone that is capable of extremes that they would only use as a descriptor for the mundane... so when confronted with a thought process or behavior that seems to be of that caliber or nature, they suffer cognitive vapor lock.


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bryanmaloney
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26 Dec 2013, 5:03 pm

Laura242424 wrote:
Point taken, Who Am I, about the pain of the miscommunication. The "but" is this: my husband is the only autistic person I know, and from what he says and what I see, he doesn't have the same type need to be understood: he needs what he says and believes to be understood, but doesn't need "real time vibe syncing" (I don't know what else to call it.) The problem is that "vibe agreement" is far from just intellectual: the need for it is a separate appetite that my husband doesn't have, and to go without it I really find to cause deeper problems than pure hurt--kind of mind-messing problems. There are many many things that cause more pain that all this cassandra stuff I've been talking about, and overall it isn't actually that big of a deal in my relationship; it's just something that's unique to my present relationship, and interests me a lot partly because it's so hard to explain.

'cassandra' has nothing to do with sex, but "vibe syncing" sure as hell does... maybe I'll try that topic next, maybe a new thread: "Resolved: the absence of "vibe synching" is the main difference between having sex with a NT and an AS person"...


The alleged "cassandra" crap has nothing at all to do with any real pathology caused by the AS person. It has to do with the NT being self-centered, weak-minded, and unsuitable for any form of human companionship, whatsoever.

Did that feel good? Did you enjoy reading that? Does it sound fair? Does it sound accurate? All I did was flip the whole lie over so that NT gets blamed instead of the AS.

Oh, but let me guess, whenever there is any disharmony between NT and AS, it is 100% the AS fault, no question possible, since the NT is always perfect, pure, and better than God.



bryanmaloney
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26 Dec 2013, 5:05 pm

Nonperson wrote:
I would worry that my husband was in danger of developing this but, judging from the website, it seems men are immune. What a relief!


Of COURSE men are immune! Aren't you aware that women are the ONLY ones who can suffer in a relationship? Men only CAUSE suffering, we never actually experience it.



queensamaria
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27 Dec 2013, 7:03 pm

I never even heard of that syndrome. I'll look it up later.


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31 Dec 2013, 9:12 pm

for sure, differences in needs are a very real cause of problems in the long run of relationships. one or both partners can suffer depression off the back of this and i don't fully understand why cassandra needs her own syndrome, except to fit in (or compete, i'd hazard a guess?).

i mean seriously, the more people i talk to about these things, the more i hear about the changes in pace of relationship. one of my close female friends husband of 10+ years is just a lot less out-going and social than her and used to get moody if she went out without him. thankfully she has 'womaned up' lately and hangs out with the friends she misses as well as making hubby time...
i get to see more of her and her husband gets a more cheerful version of her back. surely this is a win-win situation?

the 1st couple of the above links i looked at for cassandra's syndrome read very flakily. SAD is real, depression is real, emotional impact of hurtful situations is real and perfectly legitimate... why the need for a new or specific moniker?

deal with the specifics of the situation and you will eventually feel better (or move on, dammit).