Anxiety, rigidity and finding the right help

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I've been posting to Wrong Planet very sporadically over the past few years, but I've been reading/learning here for about 5 years now.

I need some help and suggestions for my younger son Colin who will turn 7 in a month. He currently qualifies for an educational DX of Aspergers but is being re-evaluated because of his compliant behavior in school and his very social tendencies. His ADOS score definitely puts him on the spectrum. From one member of our IEP team, "You don't want this label to stigmatize him.......but he has issues with eye contact, pragmatic and conversational speech, very black/white thinking, rigid routines" Yeah.


He's in first grade now. Last year, we had some major routine schedules that all happened at the same time (I started working full time, Dad started working 5 days a week instead of 4, he started going to aftercare a few days a week) and his behavior at home became pretty violent - mostly towards me. His biggest trigger is my tone of voice - even if I'm not angry, if I change my tone of voice at all he goes into fight mode. We pretty much attributed this to his inability to understand/comprehend emotion in himself as well as in other people, and his inability to determine why my tone of voice has changed and not being able to read body language. Every change is voice tone is perceived by him as me yelling and he yells back. If I push at all (get ready for school, put your shoes on, etc.) he will bite, kick or pinch me. Once he is calm again he will deny hurting me and not even remember why he was angry or that he was angry at all.

When we talked to the school psychologist she said that this sounded like anxiety or a panic attack. She hasn't observed this happening herself, since it primarily happens at home.

I've gone the route of changing/controlling how I talk to him, but I'm obviously not perfect and it still happens and I trigger that fight/flight response. I've started concretely explaining why I'm talking differently, "I'm talking a little louder because I'm trying to give you a sense of urgency that we should leave now if you want to get to school before the bell rings......"

Last year we had bell anxiety - the kids were offered a reward of getting to watch a movie if they weren't tardy to school. For the last four weeks of school, every time he heard any of the bells in the morning he would freeze and say, "I'm not going to school today." and become physically rigid and not move. He had a great understanding teacher who would often meet us at the front office, "Oh, you're just in time! Come with me and we can walk together!" but every day for me was a countdown for school to be over for the summer.

For the past few weeks we've been having school avoidance issues. He was sick for a week (walking pneumonia) and had a hard time getting back into school. He would get dressed, ready to walk out the door and then, "I don't feel good, I have a stomach ache, I have a headache....I'm not going." At first I would push back, "You have to go! I have to go to work. You have to go to school or I'll get in trouble...." and he would resist even more. It is definitely more likely to happen on days that he goes to aftercare, but not exclusively.

For now I'm a support bridge - if I walk him to the classroom in the morning and return at lunch time (10am) that he willingly goes to school. It's something we're going to gradually fade out, along with trying to foster some emotional connections at school, using his interests (science, animals). He's very selective who he forms relationships with - he dislikes one of the school counselors because she asked me to leave him, crying in her office one morning. He probably won't talk to her ever again.

We decided to seek counseling - but he won't talk to the counselor. For many reasons, I know this is not the right counselor for us - Even though she seemed very understanding of spectrum issues at our first two meetings, by meeting three I got the "He's manipulating you, he's just doing this because he knows he can control you, you have to be the one to make the decisions for him because you're the parent" talk. So I'm not supposed to let him be a selective eater "Make him eat whatever you chose to make for dinner..." , I'm not supposed to let him decide what his body and mind are telling him to do to decompress after being at school all day "Too many video games, you have to limit that! You have to help him be more flexible, not give in to his rigid demands." One video game in particular is his main special interest.

I'm very well versed in the intricacies of ASD and I know this kid so well. Yup, he's capable of manipulation, just like any other kid, but I know that's not what's going on. His rigidity and routines help him cope with his very different system and I feel like as a parent, it's my job to support and help him learn to negotiate this world, not to try and change his very core being. But I don't know what to do to help.

Based on what you are saying, I think the last thing he needs is less help at school, which what I am guessing a re-evaluation to "avoid the label" would result in. Many aspies are social, they just aren't necessarily very skilled. Many of them also are compliant at school and let loose at home where they feel safe. This is not an unusual thing. If he is crying at school, has issues with tone of voice, and you have to walk him to the actual classroom in the morning and pop in at lunch to get school avoidance issues handled, he needs help at school.

As far as picky eating goes, we take a gradual approach to this. He doesn't like combined foods, so we give him a deconstructed version of what we eat minus sauces, which he only likes on pizza. If he won't eat it, we encourage him to at least touch the foods and maybe try a bite (but not too pushy on that) then if we need to, we give him something to supplement, so he is not hungry. I don't think that any of our issues are b/c we did not get all authoritarian about this. I am not going to play chicken with his eating b/c he really won't eat foods he hates, and I don't want to starve him out until he does, as he would be way too hungry, if it even worked at any point.

Video games tend to be a controversial subject. My son plays primarily educational games and they especially help him decompress. I have noticed that this year, now that he is homeschooled, he plays less of them on his own, due to lower stress levels. Some kids do get riled up by them, so I would proceed based on how you think they affect him. If they calm him, I would not worry so much.

I would focus more on getting the school to change the school environment so he is less stressed. If he will not tell you what about school is stressful, I would insist on being allowed to come in to observe. It won't be the same as being invisible as his behavior might change a bit with you there (as might his classmates') but it may very will give you good insights nonetheless. I learned more that way about what the heck was going on at the school than by any other mechanism.

Yeah, the counselor's priorities are out of order. This child is under tremendous stress. The counselor's issues and your goal to help him learn to negotiate this world can only be addressed very gradually over a time when your son is not under so much stress.

So, they want to drop his dx because he is compliant and social? Do they know you have to be a support bridge to get him into the classroom? He will be stigmatized worse if not supported well. Not that I know what kinds of support will help relieve that stress. For my son, I might try to have him go early to school to do something enjoyable while waiting for the other kids to come. At our homeschool co-op, my son likes to go early and wander around to get comfortable before co-op starts. He needs freedom and to be left alone.

I'm just so sorry for you. Your son needs so much understanding from everyone around him and you seem to be the only one who understands him. I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than to keep the first thing the first thing. De-stress before you try to address any other issue. Try to get the school to understand that he will be forced to get worse if he doesn't have the environment to be comfortable.

I just wanted to say I can relate to your post. I am new to this site and still learning a lot but just wanted to reach out. My son is going to be 6 and in kindergarten so they are pretty close in age. His Dad and I went back and forth where to send him to kindergarten..public vs. private school. In the end, we chose private school. I couldn't imagine not being able to walk him to/pick him up from his classroom door everyday, or lunch time in the noisy cafeteria, bells ringing, etc. Last year he never wanted to go to preschool. He would come up with excuse after excuse. As the year went on and I observed his interactions with the other kids I realized already in preschool he was being isolated and made fun of. One morning while dropping him off one boy said to the other boys "oh, he is here, don't let him play with us". I left there crying that morning. But my son hadn't told me this was going on. Maybe something is going on more that you are unaware of. Another thing you said hit home was the change in routine with you and your husband's jobs and him being at aftercare more. My son's dad and I are divorced. The mornings where I drop him off and he knows he won't see me that night because he will be with his dad, are usually our worst mornings. I really don't have too much to offer just that I can empathize with you. The picky eating, the video games, all of that. So far, I have to just tried to make the best decisions for him because I know him best. People will say I need to be firmer with him or not cater to him as much, but I just ignore them now...they don't know him like I do. As far as his bad days at school when he know he won't see me..I was going to cut back on work but it just wasn't feasible. So instead, I had my husband change his work schedule and he will pick him up from school and take him to my job so he can give me a hug and kiss. Just him knowing he will get to see me for 5 minutes in the afternoon seems to have calmed his anxiety on those days.
As far as the diagnosis/label, I am struggling with that right now. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS by a doctor. I haven't given the school that information. His current diagnosis on paper with the school is Developmentally Delayed. I am torn on whether I want to give them his diagnosis of PDD-nos. I get all of his therapies outside of school. He does have issues with transitioning and social skills at school and is still behind but for right now feel comfortable with the developmentally delayed label. After 6 though they can no longer have that be their exception....so I think I will cross that bridge when he turns 6 in February. Anyway, just wanted to say you are not alone.

I have to tell you that I experience the same exact thing with my DS5. He tells me that I'm "screaming" at him when all I had done is changed my tone of voice getting stern with him, or raise my volume a little. He even tells me that the teachers "scream" at Xavier (another ASD kid in his program) which I certainly know that do not do. He winds up yelling at me and also getting physically aggressive, or making his angry posture (contorted face, growling voice and sometimes hands up like baring claws). It is hard to penetrate him when he is defensive like this. And when he gets combative I get pulled into the negativity, which I am ashamed of. My son though, does remember his behavior but he justifies it saying that it was because I was screaming at him, and I'm the one who started it because I made him angry. There is nothing I can do to convince him that I have not actually screamed at him, even when I give examples of actually screaming to demonstrate, but he still spirals into his black vortex of angries and negativity whenever there is the slightest criticism, correction or sternness from me. Parenting becomes 20x harder than it should be. And I know it is off the charts of typical behavior because my other son does not react the same way when I parent him the same, nor do I ever see other kids reacting that way to their parents. It is disheartening and I'm also at a loss how to manage it. I am trying more and more to explain these sort of things to him when he is calm, to help the message penetrate better. He simply has a very difficult time regulating his emotions, especially his negative ones, and is hypersensitive to anything perceived as negative as it relates to him, depending on his mood. Even if he is hurting his little brother and I tell him several times to stop and then raise my voice, he gets angry at ME for yelling at him. I notice this reaction moreso after several "negative" interactions/frustrations/disappointments in a specific time frame, and then he turns into a volcano. Funny thing is, I was very similar as a kid, and my parents did not handle it well at all. I can say with confidence that I am much better than they were, but I still get frustrated and upset about it and don't really know what to do (although I can name several things NOT to do that certainly didn't work on me). If you find any techniques that help please pass them along!! !

I can so relate to your situation with how the way the counselor is approaching you. My step-mom is firmly in that camp with regards to my five year old, and my mom and sister both flip flop back and forth between thinking and saying this type of thing and then being supportive. Part of the problem is that mine can often state something like, "If I do that homework today, I will have a meltdown." And they think he is a horribly manipulative little brat who is planning and executing these elaborate plots to get his way.

What they are missing is that the day before I had been pressuring (gently I thought, but not gently enough) him to write his name. I had had him trace over my writing of it several times and then left the last line for him to fill in. He made a mistake on it, completely freaked out and went into a major meltdown. He was utterly miserable.

He was terrified that I was going to try to make him write his name on his own again the next day. He was trying to say I can't handle that--for all the his ability to put together great sentences like the one above, he cannot identify or articulate about emotions basically at all. Once I had him assured that I wouldn't do that to him again, he cheerfully did his homework.

To my step-mom (and I fear any counselor we see) that is just him completely manipulating me and winning. According to her I need to put my foot down, bust his butt, and force him to do what I say.

I'm stuck with my step-mom, family and all that jazz, but you aren't stuck with the counselor. I say replace her as fast as you can. Her attitude is dangerous to your son's well-being and she has the power to make trouble for you at the school, if she submits reports saying he is just being oppositional and needs a firm hand. (I can always smile and nod and proceed to ignore my step-mom when she is on that kick.)

Sorry triple post.

Last edited by Covuschik on 15 Oct 2013, 2:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yup, that's pretty much my experience as well, including being pulled into the negativity. And yelling, "THIS IS WHAT YELLING SOUNDS LIKE! IF I WERE YELLING, YOU COULD HEAR ME IN THE NEXT ROOM!" Not my finest moment, but I think he actually did understand. Don't be ashamed. It's a very human, primate thing to change your tone of voice when someone doesn't seem to be listening to you (along with repeating the same thing again a few times) and it's not something that is easy to change or control. Check out an animal behaviorist named Patricia McConnell book called _The Other End of the Leash_.

And trying not to sound annoyed, irritated, frustrated, ever? And, "You *made* me hit you!"is an all time favorite. When he was younger, he wouldn't remember hitting me at all and would 100% deny it - now he does remember and it's pretty much justified the same way as your guy.



I've been using some strategies that I learned about when reading about PDA - pathological demand avoidance syndrome, which do help some - we've at least been able to minimize the physical aggression this way but it still happens.

http://www.aettraininghubs.org.uk/wp-co ... th-PDA.pdf

I don't agree with the counselor completely, but one of the bestest things that my parents did for me growing up was not babying me and instead pushing me to do things outside my comfort zone, regardless of anxiety, rigidity, distress, fear, etc etc etc, as long as I wasn't going to die or lose any body parts.

The opposite perspective is more common amongst autistic adults talking about their childhood, but this was the one that worked for me.

The reason that my parents raised me this way was not that they wanted me to be normal, since they are not eggsacly normal themselves, but because they wanted me to learn things that I needed to learn to grow up and live on my own.

Thank you all so much for the support and understanding - it's why I love WP.net. I'm having trouble quoting anybody right now (mouse issues) so I might not address all of you directly.

I think I might have found the help and support that we both need in a psychologist specializing in kids on the spectrum. She's (of course) out of network for all insurance companies, but my otherwise hands off (but very accepting) inlaws have very generously offered to help us pay for services. In the 10 minutes of talking to this Dr. I felt more support and understanding than we got in three 40 minute appointments with the other therapist.


It would be all to easy for him to fall between the cracks in the school system, something that I will never let happen. At our last meeting, I stressed the need for these behaviors to be understood for what they were, even if they weren't currently happening in the classroom. That this label that they considered so stigmatizing was a tool for understanding. He's very compliant at school - following those rules absolutely in a black and white manner. I'm sure that's where a lot of the stress that he can't articulate is coming from - holding it all together for such a long period of time.

Right now he receives speech therapy and has notes about priming for changes in routine (and a special note from his teacher of last year, "Colin is very attached to creatures of nature and gets very upset when something happens to them. " and that is his current level of support. Time to call another IEP meeting.

His rigidity is how he deals with this anxiety and stress and why would I want to take that only level of control away from him, just for the sake of a misguided, misinformed opinion of one therapist? Frustrating.

Wow, I completely relate! My perfectionistic son can't tolerate the slightest negativity, and yet blames and screams at me for even looking frustrated! Also the counselor thing... She dxd my son and decided I was the problem and I got the counseling. I thought she'd give strategies to help him (and she did some) but she had no idea what I was really dealing with.

I'm so grateful for Wrongplanet, so that we moms can recognize an ineffective counselor when we see one.

I just want to say, it only seems like babying your child if you are giving him what he needs for now, as long as you don't drop your long term goals. My son (and hopefully yours) really does try hard to push himself past his comfort zone. But he can only do that if we are somewhat near his comfort zone to begin with. We are light years ahead of where we were last Spring. I believe this is mostly due to putting things in place my son needs. Some of these weren't available to us last year, so we are very grateful to be where we are today. So now my son is able to work really hard toward long term goals of independence.

Covuschik quote: And trying not to sound annoyed, irritated, frustrated, ever? And, "You *made* me hit you!"is an all time favorite. When he was younger, he wouldn't remember hitting me at all and would 100% deny it - now he does remember and it's pretty much justified the same way as your guy."

You are perfectly correct. It is impossible not to react ever. Obviously you do the best you can because you love your son and that is all anyone can do. Meanwhile you are working on the other things which will help in the long run. Hang in there!

We did more of that with my older Aspie son, but that approach hasn't worked so well for the younger guy. Everybody is different.

What did work today when we transitioned from me walking him all the way to the classroom was me explaining, "Well, the rules have changed. They changed the rule and I'm not allowed to walk you to the classroom anymore, but I can walk you to the front door and give you a hug and kiss there!"

Of course he questioned this, "Well, who made that rule???"

"I'm not sure, but that's what Ms. B said. She didn't make the rule. I think it's a new school rule. "

He was OK with this, since he is an absolute literal school rule follower.

I'm not sure where I read it (maybe WP?) but yesterday I read somewhere about rules from "other people" being easier to follow for some kids than rules handed down from mom/dad. Since he's a rigid rule follower in school, rules work good for him. It's only when the rules change unpredictably or when he's already anxious that rules aren't followed rigidly.

So yes, I think its really, vitally important to develop the skills necessary to be able to function in an uncomfortable place/situation, but if he's having a full on panic attack when going into the situation, he's not going to learn those skills without some major support. It's not my intention to baby him, but to give him the understanding he needs now until he has those skill. I'm seeing this behavior as his only mode of communication at the moment instead of a conscious, manipulative action on his part.

I've learned this about my son too! I have been dedicating at least 10 minutes per day using Social Stories books I found on amazon.com. It helps that he sees that the rules are "universal" and they are not arbitrary rules that I made up from nowhere, just to make his life miserable. It is easier for him to digest, and I use the format of the books to remind him of the "right way" versus the "wrong way." Getting the reinforcement from the books AND from the school is extremely helpful. I noticed the most improvement when he went into his therapeutic Kindergarten environment and the rules were consistent and clear, so it got him into a better headset to follow rules at home too. He still is probably more difficult at home, but I'd rather deal with the issues at home if it means he can spend his energies on focusing in his learning environment. Consistency is key!! !

PS. The teachers at his school are currently working on him to not be the "class policeman" so much, dictating that everyone else follow all the rules. It is funny, but not funny. I want to laugh, but I .... OK, I'm laughing.