wanting to be 'first' at everything

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Heya,

My 6yr old suspected AS son (we're awaiting dx atm) is obsessed with being 'first' for everything. This extends to finishing work in school (so he refuses to start some work now because he knows he is too slow to finish first at some tasks); getting ready for bed, washing hands for dinner, everything! He then gets very upset and grumpy if he is not first, sometimes these get as far as full meltdowns, other times they are a general grumpiness that lasts for an hour, and often somewhere in between.

Is there anything I can do to help him understand that he can't always be first, or better ways to deal with it when he isn't? I'm pretty new to all this, so any suggestions are welcome!

My son had this problem in pre-K when it came to being first in line. The teachers sometimes used it as a reward and let him be first in line if he managed to accomplish a certain desired behavior/task. It was also explained to him that other people also like being first as much as he does, and they also need to get a turn so everyone can have a turn at being happy, and it is a really wonderful thing to give others the same chance he gets. If he feels like he is *choosing* to do something positive for someone else, maybe he can feel better about it? This did work for my DS5 (when he was DS4). You can also explain that he can be like a "teacher" to another child by showing a good example of how to take turns with others. Good luck! I know it's not easy!

We had that too while our son was in public school. Sad to say, the only thing that helped was experience at not being first or being last, etc. Yes, there was often reluctance to do those things. It is part of the "perfectionist" thinking many of our kids have. Some things like racing and games, were too fun for him to hold out on too long. We did talk about not everyone being able to be first and saying things like, " There are 22 kids doing the same thing, what if all 21 who were not first did x or y?" I don't know how much that contributed, but we reinforced it a lot. It may have also been he had to grow up enough to understand. My son is 8, and he still likes to be first, but it is not as important. It seems like an ongoing, long-term project as opposed to something we could have handled quickly, at least for us.

Thanks, sounds like it will probably be long-term here too! I'll keep doing my best to explain it to him, and hope that one day it will sink in a bit...

P.S. Even though he has made progress, my DS5 is still not over this mentality, as he still wants to be "first" to get his vitamins or be served his breakfast in the morning (versus his younger brother). I guess it's part of the same thing, but I always have to remind him that I still love him just as much as his brother even if he gets his things second instead of first! I have thought it was a jealousy issue, but now I think it is still part of his perfectionism/rigid thinking. The only thing he is glad about is that he is not first to go to bed at night! I joke with him about that sometimes, saying if you want to be first in everything, then you will also have to be first to go to sleep! That shuts him up fast! LOL

dont completely smash the desire to be first though, having him wanting to be competitive in being the best at what he does is a good thing to an extent

It is, but it takes nuance and finesse. We had a first grade teacher that used it to very ill effect, and made it much worse in every single facet of our son's life.

Knowing when and how to apply is always the problem.

I couldn't agree more. I use it myself (with rewards included!) if I think the kids need chivvying along a bit to get done in time for something, or to finish chores etc. It's just that it is invading every single area of life at the moment rather than applying to just sensible things.

Oh, gosh. My daughter used to tantrum if she was not the first one up the stairs, the first one to brush her teeth, the first one to <fill in the blank.>

If I am to be completely honest, I think what helped most is time and an increase in maturity. She still has this trait at 8, but it is greatly diminished.

A huge breakthrough for her was when she came to realize that sometimes being "first" really didn't mean anything at all. For "first" in line, one day she realized that there was no particular advantage to being in the school building first after recess, and that technically speaking, the last person in line got a slightly longer recess

She had a similar issue with winning that did not improve until she had a firmer grasp on math. To her, she was fine with "I win one, they win one...I win one, they win one." To her that seemed "fair" and so she was completely at ease as long as she won half of the time, or maybe at least 1/3 of the time. When she was able to understand that "they" is not 1-one, but many ones, and in her class 22 other ones, she started to comprehend that in order to be "fair" she should only win once every 23 times, and that if she won more than that, then it wasn't "fair" to someone else because she took someone else's turn at winning. On an emotional level, this still doesn't quite jive with her, but on a purely rational level, it helps her get through losing a little better. At least she no longer outwardly tantrums, she just inwardly rants a bit in her head.

I'm finding it really reassuring how many kids seem to have this trait! And even more reassuring that it seems to improve with age, maturity and understanding. I'm hoping that he does start to come through it a bit before long, as at the moment he's having an 'if i can't be first I won't do it at all' phase, which is quite draining for everyone, including him.

Hang in there! It does improve.

You could focus on teaching and rewarding the concepts of being "patient" "flexible" and "a good sport". When he is in a good mood, you can practice these concepts by playing games, or just disrupting his normal expectations for things. When you play games, talk during the game about how you hope he can be a good sport by not bragging too much if he wins, or melting down if he loses, then try to win a few times and reward him for taking it well. If he must be served first at dinner, warn him that you want Daddy to go first today, and that he will get a special treat for being patient. Teach and reward those concepts when he is in a good mood, and his attachment to the concept of first should loosen over time.

Thanks EmileMulder. I've been trying to do something like this, but not very strongly/consistently. I will try a lot harder to explain and emphasise good sportsmanship etc. Thank you!

My son was this way: he finally allowed himself to be "last" instead. This is a symptom of autistic rigidity, and it's a tough one. My own son had his own self-worth very confused with being "first" and this caused an awful lot of anxiety and difficulty.

Rigidity is tough - it's one of those things that is closely tied to development. My son is a lot better these days - still struggles a bit, but can handle it better. Teaching flexibility is hard. Back when my son was really struggling with it, I googled it a lot - looks like the resources have vastly improved in just a few short years. Here's one thing I came up with that looks promising: http://www.childrensnational.org/files/ ... ity-LK.pdf

ETA: I looked over my old files and found this post, which I'd marked a while back as helpful for this issue: http://special-ism.com/stuck-stubborn-a ... -thinking/

I wrote this social story about being first and last. Please feel free to use it and adjust it if you need to. I found it to be helpful.

A Social Story About Being First or Last
Sometimes I get to be first.
Sometimes I have to be last.
Most of the time I am somewhere in the middle.

When I am first, I can make my friends feel better by not bragging.
If I was first last time, then as a good friend, I let someone else go first next time.
If there are many people, I may have to wait a long time to be first again.
I can see all my friends and classmates are waiting too.
Most people have to wait too.
As long as I get a turn, it doesn’t matter if I go first.

When I am last, sometimes I feel disappointed.
It is not nice to whine and complain about being last. It makes other people feel bad or mad at me.
If I was last the last time, it is okay to say calmly “Can someone else be last, because I was last the last time we played?”
Sometimes, it is good to be last. I can watch and see how to play or what will happen. I get to think about my turn. I have lots of space and no one behind me if I am last in line.
I can tell myself, “I am not last every time. Somebody has to be last. Next time, someone else will be last.”
As long as I get a turn, it doesn’t matter if I go last.
I will try and stay calm when I am last.

Thanks momsparky for the links and Eureka-C for the social story. They're both really helpful!! !