I wish I could at least converse with people online

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Not only do I not know how to talk to people in real life, I can't even do it online. From PM on a teen forum:
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Tommy226: Hey, how are you? (:

Ezra: Doing good.

Tommy226: Thats good. What are you up to?

Ezra: Browsing my forums.

Tommy226: Thats cool (: you can be yourself dude, I don't mind... Don't second guess anything you say, I really don't mind... You seem kinda reserved...

Ezra: Do you know I'm autistic?

Tommy226: I know... It doesn't matter... You shouldn't be judged on that kinda stuff... Whether yo had it or not I'd treat you the same way, you just seem kinda reserved which is cute, but sometimes its good to rant a bit haha

Ezra: What I'm saying is that if I seem reserved or whatever you find different from others, is because that's how autism works. I'm no able to socialize in whatever way you are used to. That is me being myself. Most people take it the wrong way and think I am brushing them off or being rude or cold and distant or whatever. Not much I can do about that I'm afraid.

Tommy226: Thats okay. I appreciate the explanation, the more I know. Sorry about that... I shoulda realized that
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*sigh* I feel like an idiot and a jerk

You're not the only one. I find myself in the same situation too. I don't know how to respond or what to say etc. Because of this, I can come off as rude or arrogant to other people.

All I can say is: don't beat yourself up about it!

Why do you feel like an idiot or a jerk?

The conversation you give as an example in your post seems to have gone well enough- I can see no major faux pas or awkward breaks. You explained yourself and your autism very well in your messages.

I also often feel that my online conversations are as stilted and awkward as my offline conversations are. Especially in PMs or in chat threads, I often don't know what to say, or I worry about my replies being misinterpreted, or they actually get misinterpreted, or I just settle down at posting random non sequiturs. In threads about more substantial topics, I'm typically more of a 'drive-by' poster in a sense, although I do keep following most of the threads I'm interested in, but I often don't know how to carry a particular topic thread whenever someone has quoted me and wants to expand on what we are talking about. I tend to just make an observation, and never follow up on it with another post.

In casual threads, in chatrooms, and especially on social media, I find it even more difficult to say the 'right' thing at the 'right time'. But in recent years, I've lost more of my inhibitions and insecurities when it comes to how my message will come across to other people. I mean, that's important to me, but I know that other people make mistakes etc. in communication all the time, when they're not autistic, so that takes away part of my worries.

Excuse me for asking, but what about that conversation was problematic or would make you feel bad?

The guy was commenting on you being reserved, didn't realize that might be a consequence of you being autistic, so you explained it to him.
He expressed appreciation for the explanation and remorse for the misunderstanding on his part, indicating both that he understood your explanation and approved of your handling of the conversation.

This seems like an example of you conversing well, not poorly, and I'm sort of at a loss to understand what you think went wrong.

As you get older, all your practicing will add up and you'll be a master.

I'm sure those you PM won't mind - that person in particular seems fairly understanding,

You have all the time you need to reply, and if it's too difficult, there is definitely no shame in saying so. =)

First of all I didn't know what he wanted at all. Second I didn't know exactly what he meant by reserved or how he came to that conclusion. I've had convos like go sour before in PM and I usually just don't answer PM unless I know the person real well. I launched into the autism speech basically to shoot him down so I didn't have to try dealing with him. And made him feel bad of course. It's like "that's the last time he tries to get friendly with me" and I don't like having to be that way with others.

Now my friend Nick PM me because he wanted to start a sub forum they call a diary with me and my other friend who's the neurology student being co-owners. That conversation went fine be cause I knew Nick and what he wanted. It was basically like a business discussion. And it's like that is all I am capable of.

Ezra, I read what you wrote in your post and I thought you did great. I did not see anything awkward in what you said at all. If you would like to practice having conversations, I am sure we can all help you. I know I would be happy to help you practice. But what you said in your op was fine.

I didn't notice anything awkard either

Ezra. If you don't understand something, it's perfectly okay to ask the person to clarify. You can ask what the purpose of him contacting you is. You can ask him to clarify what he means by reserved. It's also okay to just say you would rather not talk right now. Wouldn't you feel easier just saying something like, "I'm sorry, I don't like to talk in PM. I hope you understand." Most people will respect your boundaries and if they don't, they are not someone that you want to deal with anyway, so nothing to feel bad about.

Ezra, I actually think you do pretty well online. You're considered "cool."

You've come a long way in a very short time. Your progress will increase exponentially, I believe.

After all, you didn't speak until you were 10, if I'm not mistaken.

This interesting. I just got this PM from a guy who PM me the fist time, before the guy I had the PM convo with. And what I'm probably going to do is send him a link to this thread. I want to be friends with others and chat with them. But I just feel like a cornered animal or something. This is just one of those many things I want to overcome. to just have an average convo like any other kid my age.

As usual, there's a certain part of that I don't grasp.

So this is what I sent him:



This is actually a teen forum that focuses a lot on mental and psychological disorders. So I think I'm going to start a thread about this there too.

Last edited by EzraS on 21 Apr 2014, 8:49 am, edited 3 times in total.

Don't respond to people who come on strong like that. They might be looking to exploit you in some way. Maybe not....but I'd be cautious because you are a young person.

Also: never be precise in where you are located. You could say something like Southeast London---but don't say the part of Southeast London where you are living.

You are not the only one....I tend to do that as well
Which is why I'm a loner at school..

This doesn't work for me now as an adult. But, when I was in high school I learned to turn things around, like there was a mirror.

"How are you?" "Good, how are you?"

You can actually proceed right to how are you without answering as mostly unless the person is a therapist they don't want or expect a real answer. This really worked when I was in school well enough to allow for conversations!

So if someone started talking about how a test went or a teacher or school, I learned I didn't have to say much of my own opinion and to invite the other person to talk. I overdid the interviewing style, now I overdo the talking. But the take home message is that when you can convey genuine interest, most people love to talk and feel heard.

Since in this case with this person, you've decided you don't really feel interested in a conversation, though, try not to be hard on yourself! Having a nice conversation with someone you don't want to talk to isn't an easy thing to do. It's sometimes kinder, sometimes not. But it isn't easy or straightforward. And since your strength and weakness in conversation is being transparently straightforward (IMO) go with what you're good at now!

Okay, you know what I think I'm just going with that. I never have this problem if it's a legit PM from someone I know who are sending PM about a specific thing. Some kids I know on the teen forums have gotten PM from creepers. So if I have to try and guess who they are or what they want and all that, I'm just going to do what you suggested. Thanks.

My favorite opening line to receive in a PM is: 'sup?

I usually just respond in kind with a: nmu?