I think my boyfriend has Aspergers and I need help!

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Hi-
I just joined this site and I am hoping for any feedback I cant get. I am not very knowledgeable on this subject, but have been doing a lot of research online, and have spoken with a therapist over the phone. ok- here goes. I believe my boyfriend of 8 months has Aspergers because-
He needs his alone time and is very blunt about it
He will tell me when something is bothering him and does not seem to have the "filter" that most have and things he says seem insensitive.
I need to be very direct about my needs, and I feel a huge emotional disconnect.
He doesn't seem to need a lot of physical affection.
I have to initiate sex
He suffers from extreme social anxiety
He has a few friends- all that he has had forever.
He is the most loyal person I have ever met.
He over analyzes messages ie; text. and will go over and over with me what an appropriate response would be, even if its just a friend asking to grab a beer.
These are some examples. He agrees to meet my friends and attend social functions, even though I know he doesnt want to. I have told him that I feel like he shows a disinterest in the relationship and we should break up, and he insists he doesnt want to. This has led to a lot of confusion for me. He has agreed to see a counselor with me, which just shows me over and over he doesnt want to break up, but I am having such a hard time with the lack of connection, enthusiasm, intimacy, compliments... he has not been diagnosed and I dont know how to approach this. should I find a therapist for couples counseling that specializes in Aspergers from the beginning? do I go to a "regular" couples counselor and hope she recognizes/refers or what do I do?! please help. He is 37, never marriend and I am first person he has told he loves in 9 years.

There's a lot there. But one thing that stands out is he seems to be willing to work on things and work with you. That's really important. He can learn more and make some changes, adaptations to his behavior, but how much, and if that will be enough, I couldn't say.

I just used a similar quote on another thread here and I have to ask you if you think the two of you are the on same page? Is it possible for the both of you to get there, and if so, how? Counseling is brought up, but what else is there to help?

Bri, I agree with what's been said above: he is who he is. There are probably things he can do that make things easier for you, but it'll be a constant effort. In the end you have to decide whether or not this is someone whose behavior in a relationship is good for you. It's possible for truly lovely, wonderful people to be just wrong for each other romantically. If on the other hand you feel you can live with these issues longterm, without it being too much work, then...no problem. But if AS is the issue, you know, he's not going to get social, intuitive, and non-literal like you are. It's probably not even an issue of meeting halfway -- it's just, this is who he is.

Thank- I guess I just don't know if anything will change with a diagnosis. I don't think he is dping anyth in g intentional to hurt my feelings. But I wonder how successful relationships are b/w people with AS and without. I do love him. I am just wondering if therapy is a good steo. I don't know if anyone has brought up AS to him before.

If he's willing to work on himself and change/improve, have him read the thread in my signature.

_________________
No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

Bri82,
If you browse the threads you will find quite a few on the AS/NT question. I am undiagnosed but definitely AS and married to NT going on 30 years. Yes it can work and perhaps has the same chance of success as NT/NT if you consider the high failure rate for relationships/marriages.

But there are unique challenges. Basically our success was due to my wife beating the unreasonable stuff out of me. Just kidding. Well sort of kidding. There is a process. It may be different with each. With me the keys on my partners part were understanding, patience, and persistence. She's human and at times lacked one or another. But I seemed to make the most progress when those 3 elements were present.

P.S there are no professional psychiatrists or therapists here. Its just a forum of people with autism and some like yourself. So just take the advice given for what it is worth. You will need to ask a real doctor, etc, to get some answers probably.

Thanks to all of you. I am wondering opinions from all of you out there if you think he has Aspergers.how does such a thing get brought up? The therapist? I need guidance on how to handle the situation. Even if we aren't meant to be, I want him to be happy and be able to thrive with anyone he is with and himself and he has not been able to do this yet.

how did you meet him? what was it that made you fall for him (i think besides loyalty)

To Ann, and the OP as well. Aside from being on the same page, I do remember another very important thing that helped the progress the relationship I am in was the willingness of both of us to adjust our expectations. We have expectations based on previous relationships (the good and bad things usually influence these expectations) and we have to think about whether we can truly adjust and meet halfway. A partner demanding that I just simply meet their standard of normal isn't going to work. Likewise, I can't expect them to meet my expectations for normal either. You simply find a way to make things work, no matter how hard it is and hope the other is willing to do the same.

mfs- we met on tinder actually. After meeting him, I was surprised that he had the courage/nerve to ask me out for online dating. I found myself initiating the conversation, but he seemed interested. for the first few months, it was very hard. we were moving at a very slow pace, often times, i didn't know the next time we would see e/o. . it was funny, he asked me to fly a few states away to meet his family, but still didnt want to take the step of "boyfriend/girlfriend" which seemed odd to me. I told him I loved him first, and weeks later, he told me, but I questioned it for awhile.. I fell for him b/c we have so much fun together. He is kind, has an extremely dry sense of humor, which I liked at the beginning, but now it seems as if nothing is serious. he used to initiate intimacy, but now does not really. Its almost as if he has pulled back on that, but made leaps and bounds of being involved in my life, hangs with my friends, and is getting more consistent about time spent together. I do often wonder if he thinks I am attractive. I am not overly confident, but get hit on pretty often and am considered by most men to be pretty attractive. I don't think that most women would necessarily find him attractive, but he never really calls me pretty or compliments me.

Bri - i guess its surprising that he took the first steps, but not as much if the contact was made online. I would consider myself lucky if a girl messaged me first on Tinder or OKC nowadays, then i try to take things from there. Aspies communicate better online, text messaging. How often do you text/facebook message him online?

I just hope your relationship does not turn into more of a "mother-son" with benefits type relationship because he doesn't know what to do in some situations and needs guidance

Actually, gray/white hair on a woman could be attractive. I, myself, am hoping to eventually get white hair.