Parenting my adult Aspie - I can't take it anymore

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My 21yo son actually has HFA, but he's matured so much that I think he would be diagnosed with Asperger's now, so here I am. He so smart. I almost think that makes it harder.

Before I go on, I want to tell you that almost three years ago I had a heart attack at the age of 47, and my doctors are concerned I may be on the verge of another one if I don't get my stress levels under control. This last August, my husband and I separated (we will be divorcing) after 26 years of marriage, and my son and I moved into an apartment together. My son is actually my roommate, and for purposes of SSI, he is paying half of everything.

He is just making me crazy. It's been three days since he showered and he's starting to smell a little ripe. He won't take care of his personal hygiene. He won't take care of his living area (his room and bathroom). He won't clean up after himself, and I am constantly throwing away food he's left out all night. He won't take his pills. He won't let me talk to his regional center caseworker. He looks at porn on my computer.

He can't handle his finances - he is NOT paying half of everything, and so I have to carry him financially. He came close to being arrested this time last year because he was unwittingly kiting checks. It cost me $4000 to get him out of that hole. I can't exactly tell the landlord that my son can't pay his half of the rent. I can't tell the utilities that I'm only paying my half this month. He owes me about $1500, since I've been covering his bills since we moved out in September. He won't be accountable to anyone.

He doesn't drive so he either takes the bus or I drive him. That means when he works at his job until 10 or 10:30 pm, I have to pick him up because the buses aren't running at that hour. Whether or not I'm tired. Whether or not I'm sick.

We argue constantly. Even if I refuse to argue and I just give in to what he wants, he gets angry because I'm not arguing with him. He has absolutely no sense of time, so I am perpetually waiting for him. He also has very severe unmedicated ADHD. He hasn't taken his pills for his other stuff, including his lithium, in days. He used to have meltdowns that would injure me. Now he's always yelling at me, and frankly, I'm starting to fear for myself again. He has a good 6 inches and 70 pounds on me.

And I am not allowed to talk to him about any of this, or he pitches a fit.

My cardiologist says he has to go. The emergency room doctor says I may not make it through the next big argument we have. My chest hurts all the time, and I've been having palpitations that make me feel like I'm going to pass out. My hair is falling out. I just keep losing weight. To be honest, I'm seriously contemplating suicide, although if this goes on much longer, suicide will be a nonissue because I will have my final heart attack. When I talk to my mom, she just acts like I'm being melodramatic. My sister works for regional center, but in the early intervention unit. My son doesn't want to go live with his dad at the old house because his dad has his married mistress there. My family has never really believed that my son has these problems, so they just act like he's NT.

I don't know what to do or who to talk to who will really understand what's at stake here. I'm not going to do anything because I have a grandson whom I adore (my daughter's son) and a granddaughter on the way, and I don't want to do that to my kids. But I do know that this just can't continue. I'm already grief-stricken over my marriage, and I just can't take arguing with my son every day. It's literally killing me.

I am so tired of taking care of him. I can just back off and let him do what he's going to do, but I have to live here too, and I can't handle the degree of mess he's willing to live with, and I'm certainly not interested in living with any vermin that might be attracted to the mess. I've been taking care of him for the last 21 years, through the meltdowns and IEPs and going nose to nose with the school and regional center and my family and his father. I'm tired, and I don't want to do it anymore. I feel so trapped. I pray, I read my Bible, I pray. I still want to die and kind of hope I DO have another heart attack.

Can someone please help me? Can someone please tell me what to do?

turn him over to his dad for craps sake.

He's got to go, luv. I don't know how you want to arrange it though, obviously there are financial issues for you and he. What about his dad?

My son is *violently* opposed to living with his dad and his dad's married mistress. His dad is utterly clueless and is even a little embarrassed about our son. And my husband has gotten scary angry at our son.

I have a feeling there is no good or easy way out of this.

I think that he's got to go. He's got to learn to be independent. Are there any subsidized apartments, where he lives? If there are, he can live on his own, while hiring somebody $15 a week, to clean his place. It works for me.

My parents kicked me out when I was 19. I'm 50 now, I survived. I didn't pick up tidy skills until mid to late twenties. I was always clean (showered) though. He sounds awful and takes too much for granted.

He is not an awful person, but I agree, he does take much for granted. He can be the most thoughtful, generous, sweetest affectionate person you can know. He's smart and funny (intentionally) and creative.

Emotionally, he is at the level of a junior high or high schooler right now. He's always been several years emotionally delayed. If he thinks he's caused my heart attack, it will tear him up, but I don't want to manipulate him with the threat of a heart attack. And even if it were to work, it would only work for a day or so.

He's at work right now, and my chest is already hurting just writing about this.

My 21 year old son needs to be reminded to clean himself up. He wouldn't be able to hold a job. He doesn't notice when he's sitting in the middle of a huge mess around his computer. He's progressing but he's just not finished growing up. He's a nice person but I can't expect him to act as though he's all grown up. He's not ready to start taking on adult responsibilties. If I tried to make him grow up too soon for his temperament, I think that both of us would melt down everyday.

That being said, it's possible that I'd be less mellow about the slow, steady progression of my son if my marriage were falling apart. That kind of stress, along with trying to look out for your disabled son's welfare by yourself -- I know you have your hands full.

The most realistic advice I've ever gotten came from other parents or the kids themselves. I'm pulling together a group of adult HFA/AS people and their parents to talk about everything we have in common and ideas about what we can do together to make life better for us all. Our first meeting is at the end of February. I've never lead a group before but I think I've been through enough that we'll all have a lot to talk about and things to work on.

If anything helpful comes up at the meetings I'll post them here.

Good luck to you.

Does he get angry with you when you do remind him? If so, how do you handle it?

I'm not sure where you live, but in NYC there are supported housing programs that help young adults like your son live and work independently. I'm sure you have already thought of this, but it is the only thing I can think of, other than telling him that he either has to follow some written and posted house rules, or he's off to his Dad's house.

Try Googling "supported housing" or "independent living", and your state (or country), and see if you can find anything - and soon, because if it goes on like this and you drop dead, you won't be able to help him at all.

On a positive note, I left home at 21, on money I earned as a waitress, with no college at all, and even though I was a slob at home, on my own I kept a very clean apartment. Then I worked my way through college and ended up getting two degrees, and I have been gainfully employed ever since.

I just have to smack my Aspie-ness down all the time at the office, but mostly, I pass for (eeew) "normal". So there's hope!! !

Best of luck!

We do have something like that here, but when he was going through the assessment and preparation for the independent living, everything hit the fan with the divorce. When they found out he was moving in with me for a year, the independent living contractor dropped him.

I kind of feel like, hey guys, I still need your help to move him out on his own! Please, for the love of heaven!! !

If I get angry at my son, his heart breaks and he shuts down. He won't do anything at all then. He'll just act numb. Then I hate myself for getting angry so I don't get mad at him. So he's never mad at me. He gets overwhelmed and runs outside with headphones on.

Right now he's going to school part time and doing well. He's taking on a little more at a time. It's slow but he's trying to understand himself. We talk about him and feel like we're putting together his life's jigsaw puzzle. The pieces are all there. They just need to be put into place and his life's jigsaw puzzle is huge but it's all making more sense.

You are getting advice from fellow aspies here and noone is excusing him. If there are Residental Treatment Centers in your area put him in one. And whether he likes it or not talk to his Regional Center Case Worker. You don't need to be put in an early grave, and we all know thats not his intent.But he needs to see you mean business, some tough love here isn't going to hurt him.

Can I put my adult son in a treatment center?? It's going to cost me about $2500 to get conservatorship over him in order to be able to commit him, and then I'd have to find one that takes someone his age. Even his case worker acknowledges that if he doesn't want me talking to her, she doesn't have to talk to me.

It was so much easier when they were young.

Can you try Legal Aid, or an equivalent, to help you with the process? Someone might do pro-bono work for you in this case if you can't get the dad to help.

If you got some other aspies together and rented or bought a house, they could all be room mates and share whatever funding they're getting from the state,( if your state has that) to pay for housekeeping. The SSI could pay for the rent.

Maybe this won't work or maybe it will It's just something I'm looking into for my son. If they're just roommates and it's not called a group home, then the neighbors can't make a fuss about it.